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“What did you hear? Did you hear about the lady who nearly knocked me silly with her broom before I could tell her who I was? She was a lot stronger than she looked.”
“I heard. And I heard about you losing a chunk of your pants to the Webster’s dalmatian and about how your ladder smashed a hole in Mrs. Humphrey’s French doors.”
Kent held out a hand. “I want you to know that I went back later that night and left a big pile of cash in her mailbox so she could have those doors fixed.”
“I know that, too. But that doesn’t mean you can keep doing this. I mean, you can’t count on every man with a shotgun being able to control himself when you hold up your hands and yell, ‘Don’t shoot! It’s me—Captain Nice Guy!’ Unbelievable. At least five people have nearly had heart attacks because of your antics.”
Kent sighed. “I know. It’s dangerous out there.”
She could hear what he wasn’t saying. “I agree, but only for you, not for me. In all the years I’ve been doing this, I’ve never been closely sighted by anyone except you. And you saw how fast I got away from you. Look, Kent, you seem to be sincere when you say you’re not screwing up on purpose.”
“Good, because I am sincere, and I’m not doing it on purpose to make a fool out of you … or the captain … whichever.”
“Okay, but you’ve got to stop right now, before you or somebody else gets hurt. I’m not joking around. It’s a serious situation.”
He leaned back in his chair, slowly sipped at his wine. “Maybe I should buy myself a bullet-proof vest.”
“And dog-proof pants?”
“Do they make those?”
“I was kidding.”
“Too bad.” He set his glass on the table. “Tell me something. Do I look like I’m in good physical shape?”
Phae rolled her eyes. “Oh come on.”
“Seriously. I look physically fit, right?”
“You know you do. That’s why you wear those tight shirts, to show off your muscles and … whatever.”
He grinned. “Nice to know you’re looking. But I do try. I’m not compulsive about working out, but I try to stay in shape. So I don’t get it. I’m fit and I usually get along well with animals. I’ve read my fair share of spy books and seen a lot of movies with ninjas and so on. All that, and I can’t pull off being Captain Nice Guy. It’s inexplicable.”
Phae couldn’t help herself; she laughed. “You thought it’d be a walk in the park, didn’t you?”
“Kind of. Maybe. I definitely didn’t think it would be this hard.”
“Don’t feel bad. You need practice, not books and movies. I didn’t step foot into anyone’s yard until I’d spent months out in the woods alone, practicing how to move soundlessly. My defense lessons helped me learn self-control and discipline. In my workouts, I focus on core strength.”
“Trust me, I’m well aware of how fit you are.” Kent gave her a sizzling look.
“Yeah, so, do we agree that you should stop trying to imitate me?”
“No. Even though I’m not good at it yet, I like it.”
“Then go practice in the woods and stay out of people’s yards.”
He shrugged. “You may be right. I was thinking that already. Also, I’ve been thinking that just because I’m no good at sneaking around yet, that doesn’t mean I couldn’t help you plan your capers.”
“Capers? What movies did you say you’ve been watching? Were they silent or talkies?”
“I don’t know what else to call it. So what do you think? I could help with the Meg and Leon problem. I have some good ideas.”
Phae nearly groaned. “Please. Don’t. Stay away from that one.”
Kent poured himself another glass of wine. “I heard they’ve been at each other’s throats lately, worse than before.”
She finally picked up her own glass and took a healthy swallow. “Yeah. And it’s all my fault. Uncle Leon blames Aunt Meg for what happened at the bar last week.”
“So I heard.”
“He actually believes that Meg took his truck and did the rest of it. It’s unbelievable. I tried to tell him that it was Captain Nice Guy who did it, but he won’t listen. He insists it was Meg’s way of trying to run his life. They’ve had a couple of big fights and I guess George Slinker’s sister-in-law is really putting up a stink about it down at family services.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. I’m almost afraid to try anything now. I thought I could try one more time at the tavern and put on a big show, prove to him that it’s the captain and not Meg who’s been harassing him.”
“That sounds risky. Why don’t you tell him the truth?” he asked.
“I told you. I tried and he wouldn’t listen.”
“No. I mean tell him that you’re the captain and that you’re the one who pulled that trick on him last week.”
“No way.” Phae took another drink. “The situation isn’t that desperate.”
“Not yet.”
She chewed on a piece of cold garlic bread. “I’ll think of something soon.”
“Maybe I could help,” Kent said.
Phae looked down at the bread and the half-empty glass of wine. Damn. She’d been consorting with the enemy. She tossed the bread onto her plate. “I don’t want your help, Kent. I appreciate that you’re going to stop trying to be like the captain. Now, if you’d stop all the other foolishness, my life would be complete.”
“No it wouldn’t. You need me, even if I’m only an irritation right now. I remind you there’s a bigger world out there and that you should be part of it. Only with me will your life be complete.”
Where did that come from? What could possibly make him think she’d be incomplete without him? Absurd. Something thudded in her belly. It didn’t mean anything, she told herself.
Kent pulled another package from his paper bag. This one was gift-wrapped.
He pushed it across the table. “Remember how I said I’d finally figured out that you aren’t a flowers and candy kind of girl? Well, I think this might be more to your liking.”
She eyed the gift. “Don’t tell me. It’s a pair of thong underwear to match that obscene dress you got me.”
“Nah. That’d be a gift for me. Go on. Open it. I promise you’ll like it.”
Phae knew she should refuse, but she couldn’t resist. Something about the combination of eagerness and confidence in Kent’s expression made it impossible to push the present away unopened.
She lifted the lid and peered inside. “What is it?”
“Guess.”
She pulled out a gizmo that consisted of some type of heavy suction cups strung together on a cord. “I’m afraid to guess.”
He waggled an eyebrow. “You have a dirty mind, Phae Jones.”
“It’s not my mind I’m worried about, buddy.” She pondered the strange straps and suction cups. “I have no idea what this is.”
Kent stood up and took the device from her. “Here. I’ll show you. I’ll put it on the fridge because it might mark up your walls.”
He stuck his hand through one of the straps then pushed the suction cup against the refrigerator. “See? Look how it holds. It’s incredibly strong and won’t release until you push this button here. See? Then it pops right off.”
“Okay. I see.”
“No you don’t. Look, these two go on your hands and these two go on your feet. Do you get it now?”
She chuckled at the sight of Kent decked out in the strange contraption, the suction cups on his palms and toes, the straps dangling. “No. I don’t get it. It’s the funniest looking—”
“Watch me.” He raised his arms and feet up and down. “Do you see now? It’s for climbing. With this thing, you can climb straight up a sheer face wall. Of course, the wall has to be smooth. But think about it. With this thing, you could head up the side of a building like you were Spiderwoman.”
Phae itched to try. “Let me see it.”
He handed over the devi
ce. Phae slipped the straps over her hands and Kent helped her with her feet.
She shoved a toe cup against the fridge. “I can’t believe this. I’m pulling as hard as I can, but it won’t budge. Do you think this thing would really hold me?”
“I know it will, but don’t try it on the fridge. You’ll probably pull it over on yourself.”
She popped the cups off and on for a while, practicing the process until she was comfortable with it. She glanced into the living room and eyed the bare walls.
“You don’t really think these cups would mark up the paint, do you?” she asked.
“I do. I’ve got all these circles on the walls of my room at Aunt Eugenia’s house to prove it.”
Phae grinned. She realized that he was standing next to the table with his paper bag in his arms. “Oh, you’ve cleaned everything up. When did you do that?”
“While you were experimenting. I’m all packed and ready to go. I went ahead and threw away the rest of the lasagna.”
“Thanks. So you’re leaving, then?”
“I don’t want to wear out my welcome and I promised myself I’d be on my best behavior. So I guess this is goodnight.”
She stood aside and he passed by her. “Yeah. Goodnight.”
He stopped at the front door and said, “Before I go, I was wondering if you’d mind if I called you once in a while. Just to chat and maybe get some advice about the best way to practice. Would you mind?”
