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Within minutes of Kiersten leaving her, Nadia had settled on the new bad, curled up on her side with the covers almost to her head. It was as close as she could get to cocooning herself from the world, and it was a comforting position.
Almost unconsciously, she kept her hand over her stomach, moving lower, to the edge of her abdomen where she assumed the fetus would be. She tried to open her senses, looking for some spark inside her that let her know there was another presence sharing her space.
She felt nothing, of course, but the exercise forced her mind to open to the possibilities. Until then, she had been debating the merits of an abortion. She wouldn’t have been so angry with Sawyer for making the suggestion if he had made it in such a way as though it weren’t a foregone conclusion, and the only obvious answer. She would have discussed the possibility, and she had strongly considered it for a brief second herself while she held the white plastic stick in her hand and stared down at the pink plus sign.
Bitter resentment had risen in her, directed at Sawyer, and at herself, for being so irresponsible, but a surprising amount had deflected to the tiny life inside her. Tears had gathered at her eyes, and Nadia had been angry—so angry that it dared to exist, another impediment on the path to pursuing her dream. She would never win the America’s Cup if she had a baby, especially as a single mother.
Now, lying in bed with her hand on her stomach, just inches away from where her child grew, Nadia accepted the inevitable. An abortion might make the most sense under the circumstances, but she couldn’t do it.
She’d always planned to be a mother someday, and without any other family in the world, it was too awful to bear thinking about eliminating the last person who would share her blood. Her own actions had gotten her into this mess—well, hers and Sawyer’s—and she couldn’t make the life growing inside her pay the price for her mistakes.
Somehow, she would make it work. It would take careful planning and probably more hard work than ever to balance the life of mother and sailor, but she could make it happen. Even if she never raced for the America’s Cup, she would have done something far more important, and that was give life to the baby inside her.
She was still in turmoil as she drifted off to sleep, but a cautious sense of hopefulness filled her as her eyes closed. It wasn’t what she had intended, and it was the worst timing ever, with the worst possible candidate for fatherhood, but she would make the best of it. In no time at all, Nadia suspected she would come to love her baby very much. Even more than she loved its father.
That thought made her eyes blink open briefly, and she wanted to deny it as hot tears scalded her cheeks. Unable to lie to herself, she accepted she still loved him. She was hurt by his actions, and wounded to the core, but her heart wasn’t able to turn off so quickly. It was going to be a rough adjustment from her old life to her new life, and she only hoped her heart would soon accept there was no place in it for a man like Sawyer Sinclair.
Chapter Sixteen
“What brings you in to see me?” asked Dr. Reynolds. He was a few years older than Sawyer’s father would have been, but he didn’t look like the fatherly type. His hair was still vibrant black, and he was fit and toned, with a youthful air. He had a carefree and easy manner, though he was pure competence underneath that veneer, and Sawyer had always liked and respected him. Dr. Reynolds had also been his father’s doctor, so he had been the logical choice to approach.
“I need to get tested.”
Dr. Reynolds rifled through his paper file, a surprisingly old-fashioned touch in a modern medical office. “I see. What changed your mind?”
“A series of unexpected events.” Every time he thought about Nadia pregnant with his child, sweat beaded his forehead. There was a slight rush of excitement each time, but mostly it was pure dread.
“I know you discussed this with the counselor before, and you decided you’d rather not know. I’m certainly willing to order the test for you, but I want to make sure you’re in a place emotionally to discover the answer.”
Sawyer scoffed. “I’ll probably never be at that place, but necessity dictates that I have to do this.”
“All right, Sawyer. I can set you up with the specialist, and you’ll have the results back in four to six weeks.”
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Sawyer shook his head. “I can’t wait that long, Doc. There must be some way to make it faster. I don’t care how much it costs. I’ll even buy you a lab and have you do it yourself.”
Dr. Reynolds chuckled. “I’m sorry, son, but this isn’t my field. I’ll refer you to someone at U.C. San Francisco. Miranda can make it happen quickly if anyone can.” The doctor wrote something on a pad of paper and handed it to him. It was the name Miranda Clark, along with a phone number. “I’ll call Miranda and let her know to expect you this afternoon. See what you can work out with her.”
“Thank you, Dr. Reynolds.” Clutching the paper, Sawyer fidgeted on the table as he waited for the doctor to leave so he could dress again. The idea of waiting weeks for the answer made him antsy and was unacceptable. He only hoped Miranda had the information he needed far more quickly than the timeline Dr. Reynolds projected.
Chapter Seventeen
Nadia refused to wallow in despair or get trapped in a cycle of fear about the future. Instead, she proceeded ever forward, as was her typical response to anything. Timothy and Hugo were amenable to rescheduling, and lunch with them had been more successful than the first dinner. She had learned a lot from the two men, and had also acquired a new position, at least for the foreseeable future.
Hugo was in between skippers for his private yacht, and though he could clearly do the job himself, he maintained he wasn’t available often enough to be the full-time skipper with his familial duties. Nadia suspected sympathy might have motivated the job offer after she’d mentioned her pregnancy to them in order to get their advice on what should be her next step. If so, she would be the best skipper he’d ever had to ensure he didn’t regret his compassion.
To her surprise, neither man had advocated giving up on competing. Instead, Hugo had suggested she train with the rest of his crew as long as she was physically able to do so. Once she had given birth and was back from maternity leave, he had invited her to join his racing crew at that time. If she chose to wait until the next America’s Cup, Hugo made it plain she would have a position then as well.
She had nearly bawled like a baby at the support from two men whom she barely knew, when she had received absolutely no support from the father of her child. Somehow, she had maintained a cool front, working out the details with Hugo after their lunch.
She would fly to Fiji in two weeks, where the Austania was currently docked, and where Hugo lived with his younger wife and baby. It was an ideal location for training and practice regattas, and she was already in mental mode to prepare herself for living in Fiji and mostly aboard the Austania before she got too far in her pregnancy to do so. At that point, she would relocate to Fiji for the birth and the first few months of her child’s life before returning to skippering or racing.
Part of her had a hard time believing the future she was setting up would actually happen that way, but she clung to her plan tenaciously, needing to believe. Someday, even if she had to wait twenty years until her child was grown, she would be on one of those racing teams. She’d win the Louis Vuitton Cup and the right to challenge for the America’s Cup. If dedication, hard work, and determination could win it for her, she’d have the America’s Cup in her hands.
She hated that it felt like a hollow dream compared to the life she’d briefly seen a glimpse of with Sawyer. It was miserable to realize the dream she had held so close to her heart all her life was now her second choice. If Sawyer had been a different kind of man, one who was eager, or at least willing, to embrace a level of responsibility and have a relationship that lasted longer than a blink of an eye, she would have been happy to pursue her dream part-time, to fit it into her life with him rather than building her life around winning the America’s Cup. It was bitter to know she had found something better than what she dreamed of, only to lose it before it ever fully developed.
At least one good thing had come from it, and that was the baby inside her. After three days of reflection, coupled with a certain calmness now that she had future plans again, she was enthusiastically embracing the idea instead of regarding it with dread.
