She returns with neither flower nor plate and drops into the chair opposite me. Her legs fold beneath her and she crosses her arms. She looks serene, but only a complete idiot would miss the hurt heavy in her eyes and the defiant tilt of her chin.
“What’s everything you think I should know?” she says.
I fix my gaze on my palms, rubbing them together. They’d rather be planted on her skin, pulling her into my lap and smelling the soft, warm fragrance of her skin. But right now, a table separates us, as well as my secrets have.
“My mom—” My voice cracks. I clear my throat and try again. “My mom was the sweetest soul. She had a way of making everyone and everything better just by being present. She loved Dad, supported him, and she was his life.”
The skin of my face tightens as moisture builds behind my eyes. I quickly shake my head.
“Her only weakness was her illness. Diabetes runs in her family. We all knew that growing up. There were times when she’d need days to a week to get herself back after falling ill. Dad made sure she had all the medical care she needed, and we boys were prepped on what to do if any crisis arised. Heck, even Landon knew at just eight.”
Memories float through my head, tugging at me. I focus on only what Maddie needs to know.
“He loved her very much and protected her.”
I exhale the air trapped in my lungs, still looking down at my hands. I’m not sure what I’ll see if I meet Maddie’s eyes. This could all mean nonsense to her.
When it’s eating me alive.
“We did love her too,” my voice breaks.
I was the oldest. I got to experience her the most out of all my brothers. I got to feel her love and care and scolding, and all the other great things that made her special.
And I took that away from them, especially Landon.
“Until I failed everyone.” The words suck the breath out of me. I entwine my fingers together to keep my emotions under control.
“I came home for the holidays and Dad promptly assigned me tasks to keep me busy at the company. It was a nice challenge, but I also wanted a break. So I took it on that Saturday morning. The previous day, Dad had taken Baxter and Landon for a weekend-long trip off the island for a school competition. They were to return on Sunday. Saturday was the only break I had from Dad’s pestering. So I tossed my phone and went to the beach. Something didn’t sit right but I chucked it up to guilt that I wasn’t working. I should have known.”
I bury my face in my hands, willing the thoughts to recede. But they are a part of me. I’ve replayed them a thousand times over the past years.
How I failed Mom. How I failed Dad. How I failed everyone.
I’m a fucking failure.
“I saw the calls when we got back to the car. I rushed home as quickly as I could but—”Deep breath. “The ambulance was already there. She was laid out on a stretcher. They were zipping up her body.”
Agony knots deep in my heart and pain claws up my throat. I swallow my tears with rapid breaths.
“It was all my fault. If only I’d done what I was meant to do. If only I stayed where I was supposed to, then she’d still be here.”
“You don’t know that,” a whisper cuts into my monologue.
My eyes lift to meet Maddie’s.
Her face is wet and her lashes carry beads of liquid.
She is crying… for me?
My heart collapses into my stomach. I don’t want her tears or sympathy. I want her to tell me I was an idiot, that I was wrong and foolish and failed everyone. And I deserve nothing good.
“Yet, it happened. Here we are.”
Her lips turn down. “You can’t keep blaming yourself, Chance.”
“Then who’s to blame? I should have been there for her.”
“No.” Her brows wrinkle, eyes softening. “The stupid genes that allowed her to have diabetes are to blame. The lack of a permanent cure is to blame. Don’t take that burden on yourself.”
