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Her hand slid off his head to his shoulder. Touched his jaw.
Before the illness, there were no slips. You never could have known so much about me, so quickly. Don't you think that's why? This sickness. . .
There was a particular urgency to her words he wasn't sure how to answer. "Well then, at least there is something about this damnable disease that is a blessing, " he murmured. But I think you're wrong, my lady. We would have known each other this deeply, this quickly, no matter what. The first moment I saw you, I knew I was meant to be with you.
When he lifted his face, her jade eyes were full of things that confused him as well as tore his insides to shreds. She lowered her touch to his unbroken arm, tugged.
Uncomprehending at first, he rose. She turned away, drawing him onto the bed to curl behind
her. Encouraging him to cradle her hips in the curve of his, press his back against hers and lay his head over the top of hers on the pillow. When she let go of his arm, he folded it under his head as she captured his injured forearm, bringing it across her waist so she cradled his hand and wrist against her breasts. She dropped her head and kissed the bandage and splint, nestled her cheek against them.
Sleep, Jacob. You need the sleep.
I need to care for you, my lady.
You do, Sir Vagabond. In ways I can't begin to explain. Obey your Mistress. Sleep. If you can bear my stench.
I would happily join you in a pig wallow, my lady.
The sense of her pained smile eased the knot of tension in his chest, helping him settle in behind her, nuzzle her hair with his nose and lips. She was silent then, for so long he thought she'd drifted off, but then her voice came into his mind once more.
Do you know Bran broke out the basement window that night? It was barred so he couldn't get through, but he charged the glass, rammed his head right through it. His skull and shoulders were bloody. He never stopped trying to protect me. . . You remind me of him.
"It's a good thing your husband is dead, lady, for nothing would have kept me from killing him. Even if I had to accomplish it from the grave by making a bargain with Satan himself. Some acts don't deserve the mercy of love. "
Like this? Her fingertips touched his arm. He pressed his face into her hair, breathing her in. "That's different. I will bear any pain to be near you, to serve you. "
"It's no different. What is it we talked about? Love is raw, not pretty. It's visceral as blood. " Another pause. "I'm glad you came back. I didn't think you would. Maybe you shouldn't have. "
"Carnal raped you. " Jacob stroked her temple, the gentleness in his hands in contrast to the rage he felt in his heart. "He hurt you. I invaded your mind without permission. "
"No. You're nothing like him. " Her fingers tightened on his hand. "And that night was. . . It's complicated in the vampire world, Jacob. You must understand that. "
"My heart does not tell me false, my lady. " He gave her words back to her. "I saw it in your eyes when you spoke to him. I even felt it when you clung to me in the woods afterward, my body inside yours. It was a betrayal that was soul deep, a wound inflicted on a part of you that will never heal. You're not allowed to act as if it's a crime worse than murder, but it is, because you must live with the violation forever. And for you, my lady, forever is longer than for most. "
"You make forever seem far shorter than I'd want it to be, Sir Vagabond. " Her fingers whispered over his bandaged arm. A quiet pause. "I'm sorry, Jacob. It doesn't make up for it, but I'm very sorry. "
Her voice was soft, vulnerable, and he couldn't hold any anger against it. "So am I. " He straightened the arm beneath his head and slid it under her neck, taking it across her chest to cross it with his other arm, holding her close.
"It will mend quickly, with the second mark, " she said quietly. "By the night of our dinner, it should be little more than a twinge. "
He fitted his fingers into the spaces between her ribs, feeling the fragile network of bone that guarded her heart. Would her heart press against those bars and reach for his fingertips, a cautious answer to the great emotion in his own chest?
Leaves fluttered in the early morning breeze, making shadowed patterns on the stained glass window on the north side of her bedroom. "I wonder if I can give you anything, " he said. "Even a thought you haven't had. "
She turned then, pushing him to his back, and propped herself up on his chest to look down at him thoughtfully. Her hair fell over her shoulders, and he gathered some of it up, spreading it out like a peacock's plumage, holding it like the skeins of time from the Fates' loom. With reverence and respect for the miracle it was, for the ability to touch and influence it in any way.
"Why do you think old people go to the park to sit and watch children play? Part of it is to remember things they might have forgotten with the passage of time. Time and memory are circular. Yes, you accumulate wisdom as you age, if you're open to wisdom and not hardheaded. " A smile touched her mouth as she gazed at him. He made a face at her, reading her expression well enough on that count. "But no matter how long I live, and how long you live, we will both look at the same flower and see different things. You embrace life with open joy and a fierceness I've never had, never will have. I'm drawn to that joy like a flower is to the sun. Something I sense I need to nourish me, give me a reason to keep blooming. "
He sobered, cupped her delicate face in his much larger hand. "My lady, I don't deserve such words. "
She shook her head. "I've seen things, Jacob. I've met Chinese dragons whose whiskers feel like feathers when they brush them across your face. I've seen wars begin and end. Seen people do so many things I didn't expect, and many things I did expect, and dreaded. That is why the Ennui does not affect me. Terrible things always outnumber the good, but the overall power of a single good thing is so much greater. "
Reaching down, she traced his lips with her thumb, bowed her head to rub it against the back of his knuckles. "Like this moment. "
Her hair tangled in his fingers. As he watched, she took the time to extricate it, making sure she didn't pull on it and hurt his arm. It was a simple, tender courtesy, as gentle as earlier she'd been brutal. Her quiet words stroked him. "Life is never as dramatic as we pretend it is in a normal life. But it can be intensely amazing, or quietly desperate, as Thoreau said. If you woke each day with a genuine awareness which allowed you to appreciate everything as if you were seeing it for the very first time. . . Or the last. . . "
She bent down, pressed her lips to his. Lightly, so lightly. Jacob, sensing her intent, remained still, absorbing the way that bare touch felt, spreading out over his skin from head to toe, her jade eyes so close, the slim line of her nose.
"We are so absorbed in ourselves. In each other's creations. " She whispered it, eye to eye with him. "An incredible movie, a book, a castle. . . We forget the amazing creations that were not ours--the sky, the tree. . . A man's lips. The feel of his body, of the life that courses through it. "
From the growing light in her eyes, she was finding her way back to herself, and he thanked whatever deities there were for having prompted him with the right question to ask.
"Ah, a woman's body is so much more amazing, my lady. " Moving his touch down, he cupped her breast, his fingers passing over the nipple, kneading. He didn't have the strength to follow through on it, but he liked being able to do it. She didn't seem to mind either.
Twisting her fingers in his hair with whimsical intent, she held his face still as she coiled the strands over her knuckles. "Do you believe in other lives, Jacob? That you get more than one life?"
He stilled. Had Thomas told her? He couldn't tell from her expression and he thankfully didn't sense her in his mind, seeking his reaction, since he wasn't sure of it himself. "I know there are a lot of people who do, my lady, " he said carefully. "I'm not sure I'm one of them, but I can't say the possibility isn't there. "
She nodded, propped her chin on his shoulder. "If I could choose any life, I would choose to be a creature in the forest. Moving through each day as part of what goes on there. Nothing earth shattering, nothing more dramatic than the daily search for food and survival. "
"I think you would miss having your hair brushed, my lady. Your hour-long baths. "
He caught her wrist in his uninjured hand as she tugged his hair, hard.
"Your resolve to be respectful didn't last very long. You delight in teasing me. "
"I like your smile, my lady. Your laughter. "
"Hmm. You remember at the fountain?" She tucked her head under his chin, laid her arm across his chest as he gathered her to him, held her against his side.
"Yes. "
"Carnal was right about that one thing. It was unwise to unleash compulsion that strong where any supernatural being would have f
elt it, but I looked around at all of them, and thought--why can't you feel it? When you see the fountains in that mall, you know someone felt it and was striving to make a connection to a natural world mortals abandoned so long ago. I wanted to give them that moment, that taste of memory. Do you remember how they responded, Jacob? The way they all splashed in, suddenly not worrying about anything except dancing in the flow of the water, celebrating the life of it?"
"I remember. " He remembered how she'd laughed and watched them all, the feel of her hands caressing his neck. Turning, he tugged her to lie face-to-face with him, curling her hand in his, forming a link between them. "I've led a very different life, my lady. At the end of it, I would like to know I've lived it fully. And I need you to know I understand that has nothing to do with time. You're my goal. Without you, I won't have a purpose. If there's anything I can do to help you live to see forever, I will. But if you die, I want to follow you. "
A shadow crossed her gaze. Before she could open her mouth, he slid his arms around her back, ignored the pain to bring her close to him again, tuck her head back down against his chest. "You don't need to say anything. I just wanted you to know. I was wrong, what I did tonight. I'll do better at trying to . Understand what it means to serve you, but there are things I won't give up on. You're one of them, even if you order me to do so. "
There was a long silence, where he sensed things he didn't understand affecting her above and beyond his words. "You are a pain in my ass, " she said.
"It doesn't seem to have affected it adversely, my lady. I'm quite fond of looking at it. " He brushed his hand over it. Not a sexual demand, just enjoying the feel of the soft curve and wanting her to know she had his desire. As well as everything else.
"Impertinent knight. "
He nodded against her skull. He knew it was time to let her sleep, but he wanted to say one more thing, let her take it into her dreams.
"If it had been me, and I knew I was losing my mind, I would have taken my life before ever causing you pain, my lady. Should I have hurt you even once before I realized I was capable of doing so, I wouldn't have allowed myself to live to see the next sunset. "
"Yes, you would have, " she said. "For I would never allow you to leave me like that. God help you. "
Before he could respond to that startling statement, her even breath told him she'd succumbed to the dawn. While he had much to think about, the drain of the night had taken its toll. He surrendered to it, following her into dreams, hoping he could defend her there better than he'd done this night.
