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Lex chuckled. "No arguments there."
Anna, despite her words, reached up and ran her fingers over his strong features. His eyes softened and fired at once, a response of love and desire Lex had seen countless times between them. Beneath An na's words was a poignant truth. Because she would die long before he did, Anna had wanted to be sure he had family left to care for him. Lex would be that, along with all the sons and daughters that came after. She loved children, but she knew she would have had them no matter what, because neither she nor her mother could bear the thought of her father's loneliness. Angels only mated once in their entire life span. Their first love was their last love.
The thought made her lonely for that intimacy, a bond that would last through the generations. That wasn't like her, either. Yes, she'd been frustrated with her inability to win more than platonic adoration from any male as she matured into a woman, but she received so much love and warmth from the people around her, it had balanced. This was the first time she'd ever felt the sharp knife edge of envy, a needy yearning that shot her right back into the grip of the dream, and made her wish for its return.
Jonah brushed a kiss on Anna's willing mouth. "I'll be right back."
As he went aloft again, Lex cocked a brow. "You know, it's really obvious when you two do that. The unspoken strategy of, 'If I make myself scarce, I think she'll tell you what's bothering her, then you can rat her out to me later.'"
"Well, he is a warrior, not a spy. Subtlety is not his strongest suit, trust me." Anna leaned back on her elbows and studied Alexis's face. "So what's happening? Why did you ask him about our feelings for one another?"
Lex shrugged. "I just wanted to know. Did it take everything over, make you feel as if everything was about to change? Like maybe the world was about to upend itself and you weren't sure which way to fall, or if you were even going to fall?"
"Have you met someone?" Curiosity sharpened Anna's expression.
"Does it sound like I have?"
"It does," Anna said. "You've mentioned young men at your college you wished felt more for you. Is it one of them?"
"No. I actually haven't met someone. Or maybe I have. It was a dream, but it felt like not a dream, you know?"
Anna straightened to a sitting position. "Lex, I know you live in a human world. Sometimes that can make you quick to dismiss the unusual as they do, thinking it's coincidence or indigestion."
"Shades of A Christmas Carol," Alexis noted, trying to smile.
"But you are not human," her mother persisted. "It's best not to assume a disturbing dream is just a dream."
Oh, hell. She should have known better. This was leading right into whether she was spending too much time in the human world, a concern Anna and Jonah both shared, for different reasons. Anna knew that Lex, because of her differences, could never truly belong in that world, and feared the hurt of being an outsider would eventually cut too deep if she attached herself to human society. For Jonah, it was much simpler. He didn't trust humans. Or merpeople. Or anyone, really, except his own Legion. He'd be happiest if she stayed in the Citadel, the seven-level fortress in the Heavens used as the angels' base of operations.
But she loved her life. She'd understood early on she would always be an outsider, no matter in which world she made her home. She wasn't pure mermaid or pure angel, but she could shift to human form. So she'd created a world for herself there and, as an empath, she felt she was given as much as she gave back. She was loved for her differences, not shunned.
"I'm fine." Since her mother's emotions were worrisome storm clouds, Alexis used the singsong lilting notes of the mermaid language. "Don't worry, Myel."
"Can you tell me about it? Your dream?"
Alexis shrugged, feeling color rise in her cheeks under Anna's interested regard. "It was a private dream, of sorts. I wouldn't want you to have to tell Pyel about it. He'd think of ways to invade my dreams and drive off illusion men."
"It was a dream about a man."
Lex nodded. "An incredible, amazing man. Full of fire, but also so full of pain. I've felt terrible things from a soul before, but this . . . Myel, he's surrounded by evil and death, and he's part of it, but not. Like a soul that's drawn evil around him as camouflage to blend, but he's pulled it inside himself, so he can't take off the mask. Maybe he doesn't even know he's wearing one anymore."
"Are your filters working?"
Lex bit back impatience. "Yes, I told Pyel they were. Why do you both always ask that?"
"Because we remember when you didn't have them."
Her mother's reminder, a gentle rebuke, helped curb her irritation. The natural filters with which she'd been born kept outside emotions from drowning her soul, but they didn't make her deaf, mute or blind to those feelings from others. They simply provided her with emotional distance. If she used the filters, the emotions backed off a bit, gave her time to absorb them at her own pace.
As her mother had pointed out, she hadn't had control of her filters at first. Mina had used her powers to lock them down until Lex was old enough to start handling their manipulation on her own. It had nearly driven her mad before they figured out what was wrong. A child's mind couldn't comprehend the suffering that every being carried in some measure. Thanks to Mina's lock, until she came of age, people's emotions had been distant images and impressions, like the background murmur of television.
"Some babies cried from colic." Anna twined a lock of Lex's hair around her fingers. "I didn't know if mine was crying from her own distress or that of the whole world."
Her parents had to keep her isolated until she was ten. Even after that, they'd been obsessively protective. Lex knew it had been necessary. She also knew the history of her mother's ancestors. Before Anna, every daughter of Arianne had bee
n born with a curse that made it practically impossible to exist without causing harm to herself or others. Anna had been the first exception, thanks to Mina's magic. No matter that Mina had assured Anna the curse appeared to be broken when Anna passed the age of twenty-one, something no other daughter of Arianne had done, her mother had suffered more than one agonizing period in those early years, thinking it had simply skipped a generation and struck Lex.
Lex knew that, because her mother's pain and fear had been the sharpest of the many emotions that had speared her as a child.
She took her mother's hand now, irritation gone. "But just like colic, we got past it. Myel, this is who I am, and I wouldn't change it. I have an amazing, beautiful life. If the Goddess gave me the gift to see into hearts and give them ease and comfort, then I know it was intended. I don't shirk from it because I see awful things. I know I can't fix everything."
Her mother managed to push back her emotions, because they receded. Anna gave her a smile. "All right then. So tell me more about this intriguing dream man."
"I've never felt anything like his pain. Most of the time, no matter how terrible their lives have been, or the pain they're carrying around now, there's some balance. There's some part of their life that gave them joy or ease. He had none of that. Not a single moment of happiness or rest. No sense of safety. Nothing, Myel. It's like his whole life is death and terror. Pain. A savage need to survive." Taking a breath, she laid her head on her mother's shoulder as Anna lay back.
"I was overwhelmed by his determination to survive, because who would want to survive if they had nothing good to remember? I've experienced suicides. He has their despair, but instead of resignation, he has a rage, a determination to survive despite his circumstances, almost as if his goal is to thumb his nose at Fate. But even that's more camouflage." Caught in her analysis, she was only vaguely aware of her mother's close scrutiny. "It was the first time in my life I didn't immediately understand what was going on inside someone. I thought it was because it was a dream, but . . . What's your goal, if all is darkness?"
