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In the wry twist of his lips, she saw an echo of the exasperation she'd often exhibited when her sister tried to impose her will upon her. At least that was the way it had felt at the time. She had a different perspective of it now. Alice had wanted her to be happy, and whether or not she had the right or wrong advice for that, the desire to put her on that path would have been driven by love, not a need to run Madison's life, as she'd resentfully assumed. The thought sent a hard shot of longing through her, a couple more tears seeping out.
He kissed the tears away, held her close, started that light rocking again. "Tell me the rest?" she asked in a whisper. He nodded.
"Every time I hit that brick wall, failed again, she didn't say 'I told you so.' She didn't seem smug about it at all."
"I know. That's part of what made it so infuriating."
"Yeah." He paused, and he swallowed against her temple. "She was a true friend. I don't think I've ever met someone so self-assured and yet devoid of ego. She was afraid of true intimacy with a lover; that was her kryptonite. Yet she had infallible judgment when it came to enhancing that quality between others."
He coiled his fingers in her hair, cradling her head in his palm so she met his gaze once more. "And before you even think it again, once and for all, now and forever, you are not, and never will be, a surrogate for your sister to me. What you are is my last promise to her."
Her brow furrowed at a hitch in his voice. He gave her a quick, strained smile. "She made me swear to give being with you a try. 'Even if it doesn't work out, please take care of her, Logan. Watch over her. If it doesn't work out, being lovers, promise me you'll still be her best friend. She's going to need one of those.'"
"Oh, Alice . . ." Emotions swelled back up, clogging her throat. Again Logan held her close, but this time she held him in return, the two of them comforting each other for the loss of family, of deep friendship. Of a powerful connection that had made life seem better in so many ways.
When she at last lifted her face, she saw he hadn't cried, big, tough guy that he was, but his eyes were suspiciously bright. Sliding her fingers over his cheek and jaw, his lips, she offered more comfort. In return, he looked at her in that intent way that made everything inside of her turn to goo. Honestly, she'd never had a man like this look at her like that. It was either the most miraculous or the most terrifying thing she'd ever experienced. She coughed.
"So, at this point, where do you think you are on that? Best friends, lovers, soul mates, friends with benefits, friends with no benefits?"
"You're trying to get me to smack you again. Friends with no benefits is already off the table, don't you think?"
"Probably. Being your friend has definite benefits. Troy, for one thing."
She let out a little shriek as he made an attempt to flip her in his lap, a threat of another spanking. She clung to him like a cat, protesting. "All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Sobering, she reached up to touch his face again. "You looked so sad. I wanted to make you laugh again."
He caressed her tearstained cheek. "Same goes, Madison. Do you want a serious answer to the question?"
"I'm not sure. But I have a feeling you're going to be your usual tyrannical self and give me one."
"I tend to be a selfish bastard. If there's a potential for any of those--lover, best friend, Master"--his gaze suddenly got far more intense, washing heat over her--"I want all. What do you think?"
She pressed her lips together. Despite her worries, that heat turned into a steady warmth inside her heart. "I think that was Alice's intent all along. She used to say the best love stories are based on friendship."
"All right. Let's leave it there for now."
Grateful for that, she settled back in the span of his arm, pleased when he hummed to her, a tuneless ballad nevertheless soothing in his deep timbre. While he stroked her hip, she teased the gleaming light layer of chest hair available to her from the open neck of his shirt.
It was a lot to think about, but she wasn't up to thinking about much of it, so mostly she just drifted. Eventually, though, a question swam up from her subconscious. "Why does it work that way? The punishment bit? Everything I was ever sorry for came to the top, every time I said the 'bad girl' thing."
"For most of us, our earliest memories of forgiveness and redemption come from punishment at the hand of a parent, the first person we love and trust, whether or not they end up deserving that in the long run. For certain types of discipline, a deep part of us reverts to those feelings. Because we're adults, sexual stimulation can take it to even higher levels. You have the capacity to crave more pain than you'd desire as a child. You connect pure cathartic release with the proper application of restraint and pain. And you trust me to apply it properly to take you to that space. The space you're still in now, a little bit."
"Does anyone ever call you 'Professor'?"
He chuckled. "Sometimes they do at the club, yes."
"You've been in this so long. It makes me feel like a first grader. I'm not sure I like that feeling."
"I'm not a financial wiz like you," he offered. "My accountant has a voodoo doll of me and sticks pins into it whenever she has to wade through my files for tax preparation."
Madison looked at him incredulously. "How can you be so successful at running a business and not be good at accounting?"
"Because I let her handle the complicated stuff, and I stick to the two most important tenets of running a business. Don't spend more than you earn or can pay back within six months, and always treat your customers well." He gave her buttock a light pinch. "But long and short of it, I'm a first grader when it comes to spreadsheets. Should I feel bad about that?"
"You know why it's different."
"No. I don't. I know how to bring a submissive pleasure, how to break down her shields to maximize that, but I know nothing about actually being a submissive. Though Alice told me a lot about you secondhand, I've only recently met you. We're on a journey together. I love seeing you discover this side of yourself and giving you guidance, but every step together is a new one for us both."
