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"Try to keep us from it, baby."
Love flooded her. "I really do adore you guys."
"Oh sure, you just say that because we once gave you the best orgasm of your life and made you pancakes."
"It's no longer the orgasm against which I measure all others. And he just took me out for pancakes." She examined her nails, in the mood to be playful. Marcus didn't disappoint.
"Oh, really?" he drawled. "Lucky for you, we won't consider it a competition."
"Would you if I asked? I'm happy to be a test subject. First Des could try, then you guys could try. We could do a six out of a ten thing. Okay, maybe three out of five. Six times at once might kill me, but what a marvelous way to expire."
"You twisted, sick woman. So this guy is into sharing?"
She sobered, remembering the questions she'd intended but hadn't really wanted to ask. "Yes. No. I don't know."
"You're not a polyamory type of girl," Marcus said.
"Does that make me old-fashioned? Stupid?"
"I would remove the left lung of any man who made a move on Thomas," Marcus said without a change of inflection. "And twist his nuts off. Does that answer your question?"
Julie sighed. "Des is really good at the rigging stuff. He's considered an artist in the BDSM community here, and so he's popular with subs who want to experience it under his hands. Who am I to argue? Hell, I've been there and it's out of this world."
She rocked back and forth on the edge of the stage. "He says he's not going to have sex with any of them while he's with me, and I'm glad for that, but I know the whole thing is sexual in nature. So will I get more comfortable with that as I go along, or am I just not wired this way and it's doomed before we start? He kissed me and told me he doesn't kiss them that way. I'm not sure if I'm okay with him kissing them any kind of way. And didn't I say I wasn't going to do a relationship again? I just freaking met this guy."
"Stop. You're panicking yourself and doing your run-on, redundant babbling thing."
"Oh, this is amateur stuff. I did a filibuster on him at his job site earlier today."
"He didn't cut and run?"
"No. He took me out for pancakes. Christ, I don't know why any guy hangs around me."
"Hey." The sharpness of Marcus's tone reminded her of Des, so much so that her stomach did that quick pretzel knot cinch of sexual awareness. "We've talked about this. You are a fucking amazing woman. You don't let some asshole who can't figure that out drag you down."
"I know. I know." She drew herself up, made herself believe it. Hadn't she just castigated herself for letting the poor opinions of others tear her down? The joy of dysfunction: no memory retention. "I'm nice, and fun, and interesting, and I just want someone to love me for me. And it feels like...this guy might be able to do that, Marcus. I'm fucking scared to death. I got used to handling rejection and failure. It became familiar ground. Talk about being twisted. And this has all happened in a blink. I care about him. I want to be in love with this guy."
"Easy." Marcus's tone gentled, picking up on the break in hers. "There was more to this conversation, wasn't there?"
"Yeah. A lot of stuff I haven't processed yet. I think focusing on this is the easier part, to tell the truth. So can we stick with it for the time being?"
"All right." She heard a noise and a click and realized he'd switched from his hands free to the phone so she'd have his full attention. "So, say you and this guy keep on this road together. Would he stop doing sessions with other subs to keep you?"
"I couldn't ask him to do that. He is really good at this. I saw video. Even when I was six years old and had cartilage like a rubber band, I couldn't bend the ways he ties some of these women. I think as long as I can keep it separate in my head like any other stage production, I can manage my feelings about it."
She wished they could video chat. She imagined Marcus in his New York penthouse, putting together a salad for dinner while Thomas finished something in their home studio. If they did video chat, he'd have the hands free tucked in his ear so he could toss the salad with his fine-boned hands, wield the chopping knife, and caress the supple skin of a beefsteak tomato. Watching Marcus do anything was a feast for female senses. She'd observed him from a corner at his gallery, directing his assistant manager with silent signals as he spoke on
the phone or tapped on his laptop. Unlike most men, he was an impressive multi-tasker.
"But you'll talk to him if it becomes a problem."
"Maybe. I don't want to change who he is just because I'm insecure and have had a couple of boyfriends who thought monogamy was a high school virus."
"It's good to know your triggers," Marcus said evenly. "But no matter who or what he is, you do what's best for your physical and emotional wellbeing. If you don't, I'll kick your ass, and so will Thomas. The same thing you'd do for us--and have done for us--when we were trying to figure out how to make our relationship work."
She laid back on the stage to stare up at the ceiling. They'd had no leaks since Des had patched the roof. "I'm being a dumbass about this, I know. Oh, Marcus, what have I done? He makes me feel so incredible, so special and wonderful. When I see him, I ache inside. I said I wasn't going to do this to myself again."
"And as I said, we indulged your delusion. You want to be in love, Julie. You have so much love to give. Don't deny yourself that opportunity just because the road has dead ended so many times."
