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The coming weeks hurt like hell. When I was alone, I cried. Violet was too consumed with her own life to take much notice in mine falling apart, and for that, I was thankful. Each day got harder, and I missed him more with every second that passed. My heart was in shambles. I feared I would never feel whole again. But I had to stay strong. I needed to stay on course, and that meant forgetting anything and everything Gabriel.
At first, I was naive and convinced myself he would call. I gave him a deadline. I told myself I would give him one week to realize what I already knew. When those seven days came and went, I knew we were done. He ruined us. Or maybe it was me and my stupid heart. Either way, I continued to repeat the same mantra to keep myself from going to him. I was worth more than a dirty little secret. I deserved more.
To make matters worse, my grades continued to drop. If it weren’t for Violet, I’d be failing psychology, and I don’t even want to discuss physics.
“Hazel?” I snap out of my thoughts and lift my head up from my book to see Violet, her usual concerned expression spread across her face. I didn’t even hear her come in. “Seriously, what’s wrong? Please open up to me. You don’t look healthy. You’re not eating. Have you even left the room today?”
“I told you, nothing. I have a ton of studying to do.” I shove my face back down, re-reading the same sentence for the millionth time.
She huffs and throws her backpack on her bed. Please let it go. Please let it go. “Haze, something’s off. You’re upset about something. I’m not an idiot. Why can’t you just tell me? We’re best friends. I won’t judge you, whatever it is.”
I’m thankful I have my back to her so she doesn’t see me squeezing my eyes closed, fighting back the tears—tears I didn’t think I had left to shed.
“I’m super tired and stressed. School sucks.” I taste copper in my mouth and release the inside of my cheek. I can’t break down. I refuse to. “Honestly. I’m fine.”
I’m far from fine.
I’m ruined. I’m devastated. I’m broken.
I take a deep breath, hoping she doesn’t question my tears. “I swear—all good. Just need to get through this week. I’ll be fine.” I force a smile, which she pretends she accepts.
“Okay. Well…I don’t really believe you, but—”
I twist in my chair. “I’m fine,” I say, my voice stern.
She fights me in our stare down, then thankfully drops it.
“There’s this study group for psych I’m headed to. Why don’t you come with me? I know we both need it.”
“I still don’t know why they don’t automatically pass you. What’s that rule called? Like some sort of felony murder rule. You get straight A’s. And me too since I’m your roommate. Seems only fair.”
She rolls her eyes and grabs water out of our mini-fridge. “First off, that’s an urban legend. Second, not funny.”
I’m an asshole. I shouldn’t even be joking about something so messed up. “You’re right. Sorry.”
“Make it up to me. Come.”
Her soft plea makes me feel like a jerk for blowing her off the last couple of weeks. It wouldn’t be the worst thing to shower and finally leave my dorm room. “Fine. I’ll go.”
Shocked that I actually agreed, she wraps her arms around me, squeezing me tight. “Thank you.” I relish in her comfort. Missing it. Missing him. I take a deep breath, fighting not to cry. She senses it too and pulls away. “Whatever is going on, just know I love you. I’m sure everything will be okay.” Little does she know, nothing will be okay.I don’t find out until it’s too late that the study group is at Grayson’s, coincidently, Evan’s roommate’s apartment. Not that I’m avoiding Evan. He’s a really great guy; I’m just not in the right mindset to make friendly conversation or pretend everything is hunky-dory.
“Wow, you came!” Evan walks up to me the second we get through the door and goes in for a hug. I feel like a jerk when I step back, denying his advance. “Sorry, I’m just not feeling well and don’t want to get you sick.”
He shrugs it off. “No worries. I’m as healthy as a bull. Hey, want something to drink? I’ve got everything under the sun.”
The last thing I need is to be mixing alcohol with my roller coaster of emotions. But I feel bad for rejecting his simple gesture of affection, so I give in. “Sure, why not? You have any scotch?”
He smiles, nodding. “You’ve got it. Be right back.” He disappears into the kitchen, and I find Violet sitting with another girl from class, pulling out their psychology notes. I do the same, grabbing my notebook, not even sure where to start. I’m weeks behind in this class. My mood slumps lower. I debate throwing up a white flag, dropping the course, and just dealing with my dad later.
