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There was nothing for me to say to that. The alarm guy was lucky to be alive and Connor was, too, because if he had pulled the trigger, there were elite commando guys all over the place who would’ve hunted him down. I wasn’t so sure if Deck would’ve kept his word and not harmed him.
He continued, “I got on my bike and rode. Wasn’t planning on coming back.”
That was why he disappeared. “Where did you go?”
“The track.”
“The track?”
“Where I used to race dirt bikes. It’s abandoned now. Spent a couple days there, until Vic showed up.” I stiffened. “He didn’t see me, but it was too close, so I left. I drove for a while and thought I could keep going.”
“But you came back.”
“Yeah.” He cupped my cheek, eyes closed, head still tilted down. “It’s the last place I should be, but I can’t stay away.” He stopped for a second. “Fuck, Alina. I need every single part of you.”
“Connor, you have me,” I said. Maybe it was the catch in my throat or my words, but he stilled then lifted his head and my heart stopped. It fucking stopped when his eyes met mine.
Because in the depths I saw devastation. Not just devastation, it was more powerful than that. It was the wreckage of a soul.
“I forgot you.”
Oh, God.
He bent until his forehead rested against mine, his eyes closed. “I forgot you,” he repeated in a ragged whisper. “I went years without you in me.” He lifted and his eyes met mine. “I watched you sob. Watched you beg him not to make you do it as he held you in his arms, forcing you to hold the gun. I watched while you killed the man beside me. Watched you make a choice between me or him.” He shook his head back and forth, a lock of hair falling in front of his eye. “When my memory came back…” I could barely hear him, words spoken almost as if to himself and not to me. “…I got pieces. Jagged, fucked-up pieces. Pieces I didn’t want to see and had to.” He paused then whispered, “It killed me that I forgot you.”
“Connor, you forgot everything. Everyone. The drug did that.”
He stared at me a minute, neither of us moving, only the sound of our breath and the slight rustle of the sheets as our chests rose and fell.
“I can’t forget you again,” he said. I opened my mouth to tell him he wouldn’t, but his eyes narrowed. “I. Can’t. Forget.”
“You won’t,” I said.
“I came back, so I wouldn’t forget.”
Oh, Jesus. He was worried he’d forget again. I settled my hand on the back of his neck, curling my fingers into his hair. “You won’t forget. I won’t let you. Just stay with me. We can get you help.”
His eyes darkened. “Don’t ask me to do that, Alina.”
“But your friends—”
He moved fast, hand grabbing my chin, fingers bruising. “No!”
I stopped breathing, but persisted. “Connor, why?”
“What the fuck do you think happens to a guy like me? The second I lose my shit, they pump me full of drugs and lock me up. I’m never being drugged or locked up again. Never.” I understood that, but how was he supposed to get better? “I don’t want to be near anyone except you.” His voice hardened. “Don’t mention it again. It’s too late for fuckin’ help. Got it?”
“Yeah.” I said the word, but I didn’t get why he didn’t want to see his friends? His best friend and his sister who he’d adored? God, his parents.
But fear lingered inside me. That stormy look in his eyes. The rage lingering ready to erupt with the slightest push. The thought that he nearly killed a man because he thought it was Carlos. The thought that he may disappear again and at the same time, that he wouldn’t.
His hand slid down the front of me, burning a path between my breasts, my abdomen, to the bottom edge of my camisole where his fingers curled and he tugged it up to my ribs. “You want me to fuck you tonight?”
Was I weak because the answer was yes? That it would always be yes? My body ached for him. My belly did flips and somersaults and nosedives. And what was happening between my legs was an explosive need.
But this was much more than desire.
It always had been.
“Yeah,” I whispered. Maybe it was stupid, feeding this need between us, but I’d been starved for him and even if I could only be fed tiny morsels through sex, I’d take it.
I just didn’t know for how long.
He stared at me for several seconds as if trying to read whether I was really okay with this. I didn’t honestly know if I’d be okay with this tomorrow. But I was now and that was all I could think about.
