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I wasn’t that life ahead of her. As much as I wanted to be, I couldn’t be that man.
She put down her coffee, fingers twisting fresh. She shrugged, eyes tearing up, and that hit me right in my gut.
My voice was strong when I spoke next. “I think you’re an incredible woman, Chloe. You make me happy in ways I’d have never known.”
“So, why are you so determined to throw it away, then?”
Again, I nearly told her. It was there, brewing, ready to burst out in flames, but she spoke next. It was her who shrugged her shoulders and pulled up a smile.
“Let’s live for the moment,” she said. “It doesn’t have to be about the love, or the life, or this imaginary future I’ve got in my head. Because that doesn’t matter, does it? Lightning could strike in the garden tomorrow, and I could be gone just like that, and so could you. But that just makes every single second more important, doesn’t it?”
She was wise before her years. Such a wise little soul. Such a wise little jitterbug.
She carried on before I answered her.
“We had a great day today, didn’t we? And your mum wants to go to the seaside and I really want to help take her there, and I was looking forward to being with you this weekend, and I don’t want to leave.”
She was right on all those things.
She was right that Mum wanted to go to the seaside and we had the weekend still going strong, and I was looking forward to being with her too.
My sides collided. Rationale versus heart.
The heart won.
“Yes, we had a great day today. One of the best of my life.”
Her smile was every bit as bright as I’d ever seen it.
“So, let’s have another great day tomorrow. I promise I won’t tell you I’d die without you again.” She laughed and rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry I said it. Doh.”
“It wasn’t that,” I said, but she shrugged again.
“I’m sure I’d survive.”
I didn’t answer that, just gave her a shrug to match.
She finished her coffee and made to head out of the kitchen, but I closed the distance and took her wrist, pulling her back to me.
“There’s no need for a sorry. There never is.”
Her freckles were magic under wide eyes. Her mouth was slightly open, breaths catching.
“Live in the moment with me then,” she said. “Live in the weekend with me.”
Right then, in that kitchen doorway with that beautiful creature alive in my arms, I couldn’t have done anything else if I’d tried.35ChloeLogan’s ocean was as deep as I’d figured. I felt it there, calling from the darkness at the bottom, and I couldn’t work it out. Wouldn’t even know where to start.
His walls were high, and the waters were fierce, and I was still bobbing along on the surface, unsure quite how to sail.
My God, I wanted to.
I wanted to break those walls apart and dive right inside.
He held me tight in bed that night, but I couldn’t sleep. I was nervous and choppy, untangling myself from his arms slowly in fear of waking him with my jitters. I stared at the ceiling in the darkness, brain churning over like a Ferris wheel, not knowing what the hell I could say or do.
I was as quiet as I could manage when I headed to the bathroom for a middle of the night pee. The last thing I ever expected was to see the lamp shining out from Jackie’s doorframe, still slightly ajar.
I dared to poke my head around the door, to check she was ok as much as anything else, and she must have seen the movement, flicking her eyes my way and greeting me with a smile.
She tugged the oxygen mask away from her face as I approached, shuffling to sit up higher in bed and flicking off the video on her tablet.
“You’re up late,” she said, and I smiled back at her.
“Couldn’t sleep.”
“Left Logan dreaming?”
I nodded. “Yeah, he was flaked.”
“Good,” she said, and her eyes lingered on mine. “What’s up with you, sweetheart? I can see that brain stewing in that pretty head of yours.”
Part of me thought I should back away and play dumb, rather to pull her into the churn, but it was her smile, calling so loud without saying a single thing.
I pulled a chair closer to the bed and sat myself down.
“Logan is…”
She waited until I continued.
“I’m just not sure he thinks this is right, me and him, I mean.”
Her smile faded as she took a breath. “He’s got his walls up, I’m guessing.”
I nodded. “And I get it, if this isn’t right for him, or if I’m not right for him, or if I’m saying too much.”
She shook her head. “Believe me, darling, this isn’t you. It’s all on him.”
I was glad about that. I took a breath as it sank in. “He’s normally like that?”
