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Jackie was trying to talk and eat both at once, recounting just how epic her beach trip had been. Logan was trying to ease her to enjoy her eggs, and calm herself through her chatter, but she was swishing his voice away with her hand, that mischievous grin on her lips.
“I mean it, Mum,” he told her. “Save your energy.”
“Battery is running pretty damn low, Logan. A few extra words sure ain’t gonna have an impact.”
She had a point.
We made short work of breakfast, and Jackie managed a few mouthfuls at least. Again, I insisted on cleaning up and headed downstairs to load the dishwasher, and once again I made slow work of it, desperate to preserve every scrap of Jackie-Logan time I could.
She was fast asleep again by the time I made it back up there, Logan sitting as still as I’d ever seen him as he stared at her.
“How is she doing?” I asked him, and he shook his head.
“Running on fumes. I’m surprised she made it through the night.”
I shrugged, holding my smile steady in my optimism. “Maybe she’ll make it through another.”
His eyes were heavy as lead as he looked at me. “Maybe we’ll all become penguins overnight.”
His pessimism made me sound like a moron, to be hoping so easily. I was quiet when I sat next to him, fingers twiddling in my lap as I wondered what the hell I could say to make any of this seem more OK. I didn’t need to, though. He sighed as he pulled me closer.
“I’m sorry, Chloe. I’m frustrated. I don’t mean to take it out on you. Not for a second.”
“It’s not frustration,” I told him. “It’s hurt. Hurt you’d have to be a robot not to be completely destroyed by.”
“You’re right,” he said. “Grief destroys people. Always has, always will. You can think you’ve prepared for a whole fucking decade, but losing someone you love is always going to put you on your knees.”
I nodded. “Always. But it’s not over yet, Logan. It’s lucky you have this final time with your mum, so you can both say whatever you want to say, right? That’s a great thing.”
Again, his eyes were heavy as lead. “Grief is never lucky, Chloe. Pain like that is never deserved and never set to ease. We get so involved with all the crap that goes on every day that we don’t realise we’re all going to get fucked just as soon as we’re knocked down by someone taking their final breath. It doesn’t matter how solid you think you are, you’ll still get torn to shreds when you say your last goodbyes to someone you love.”
I didn’t disagree with him, but I didn’t say anything, just kept quiet to let him say whatever he wanted to say. Only he didn’t. He didn’t say another word, just did his usual trick and the shutters came down.
I wished I could reach inside him and hold on tight. I wished I could give him some of my soul to help his own stay steady. But no. Never.
Not on Logan Hall’s watch.
He stayed solid until early that evening. He barely stepped away from Jackie’s bed unless it was for a toilet break. I drifted asleep with my head resting on his shoulder for a decent chunk of the afternoon, but not once did he shift from me. He was every bit as awake as I left him when I came back to my senses, his eyebrows pitted and pondering.
“You should sleep,” I whispered. “I’ll wake you up if anything changes or she wakes.”
He shook his head. “No, thanks. I can manage.”
But there’s no way anyone can manage that much stress on top of that little sleep. Everyone has his limits, and Logan found his as the darkness through the windows closed in, end of life medical team waved in and waved out, Jackie awake enough to eat a few spoonfuls of cereal and drink some juice. I saw his head lolling, breaths deepening over and over, but it still took another full hour before he admitted defeat and said he was going for a power nap back in his room. Thirty minutes max, he said – but again, his body had its limits.
It was about an hour until Jackie opened her eyes again.
I made to shoot out and let Logan know, but in typical Jackie style she grabbed for my wrist and pulled me closer, a light twinkle still there in her eyes.
“Let him sleep,” she said. “Us girls can have a chat in the meantime, can’t we?”
I could tell by her tone that she wanted to speak to me. It was a joy to sit back down in my seat and lean in to the bed.
“I love having chats with you.” I smiled. “I’m pretty sure you know that by now.”
