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“I stayed at my friend Amy’s place a few months back, and I was feeling pretty damn rough when I got there. To get upstairs to bed at night she had to stand behind me and push me up every step, but I did it.” She fixed her stare on me. “A few years ago I would never have asked for that help. No fucking way. I’d have seen it as giving in, and rather gone ass over tit down the stairs than rely on someone else to help me.”
“I get that,” I told her, because I did. I did get that. I saw it day after day, the frustration people had in the ward when they couldn’t do the basic things they wanted to. So sad to watch.
“These lessons are simple. They’re choices. Believe me, I’ve made loads of the bastards.”
Another laugh, although this one was more of a wheeze than a cackle. Then she shifted in bed, pulling a face as she squirmed.
“Oh, my fucking ass. It’s a pain in one.” She smirked. “This was an Amy gift, you know? This support cushion for my butt. Bless her heart, there’s so much sentimentality there, but it’s fucking useless, it just looks like a pretty donut.”
I couldn’t hold back my own giggle, helping her shift on the pretty donut until she settled back down.
I cleared my throat and asked her a question, wanting to know just how far she’d come since she was a young little thing like me.
“Do you think what’s important to you has changed over time?”
“Absolutely,” she said. “In the early days it’s all about being good enough, doing the right things, getting the right stuff. But that doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter at all near the end. It only slows you down.”
I was nodding along with her, eyes holding hers so steady.
“Believe me, sweetheart, what’s important is the simple shit. Being around people, sharing, talking, eating. Simple pleasures that most people don’t even take notice of. Their heads are always stuck on what’s ahead of them and not on what’s there, right here, right now. And that’s sad, because your time is every second, and once it’s gone, it’s gone forever.”
“I can believe that,” I said. “I’ve blinked before and weeks have passed by, my head in the clouds while my evenings zip past doing things I don’t care about and won’t ever remember.”
I pictured Liam on the sofa. I pictured me eating dinner with him in silence, neither of us having a word we wanted to say. What a waste.
“The other thing,” Jackie added. “Don’t ever justify what makes you, you, or how good you are. You don’t have to stand up and be counted for shit that doesn’t matter. You want to eat a feast, you fucking eat one. You don’t have to justify how much or how little is on your plate, darling. Not ever. None of it ever matters – we are all as equally as important as the next person. There is no top dog, just the stupid damn illusion of one.”
I felt a shiver, because I could sense that all around me, everyone always wanting others to look at them like they are the best.
“The joy in the moment, sweetheart, the joy of you being you for who you are, embracing love and friendship. It’s magic. It’s always magic. Don’t stress, just be you for who you are. That’s the greatest magic of all.”
She was quiet for a few long seconds with her hand in mine.
“I hope you know how happy I am you’re with my son, Chloe. Believe me, breathing my last breaths and knowing he’s got you by his side is the biggest relief I’ve ever had.” She squeezed my fingers. “You can’t put an old head on young shoulders, my lovely, please remember that and enjoy it for what it is.”
“I’ll try my best,” I said, and I could feel the tears tickling from down deep.
“You’re growing together, you and Logan, people always are. Going through challenges with someone, and coming through the other side together always shows learning on both parts. Never underestimate that – people never give it enough credit. Growing up.” She wheezed another cackle. “People never stop growing up, they’re fools if they think they do.”
“I’ve got plenty of growing up left to go,” I giggled back.
We laughed together before she carried on.
“I really am blessed, because I’m still here, even after all these years of being terminally ill in a whole load of ways the universe wanted to throw at me. Cancer, breathing, whatever. I’m blessed to be experiencing it all, every single day, and I never stop smiling. If anything, I’ve been grinning more the closer I get to reaching the end, because each moment means so much more.”
“It’s so hard to see people struggling so much,” I told her, and I meant it. Seeing people so lost as they succumbed to their end days was enough to tear my heart in two. Jackie seemed to read my mind.
