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Luckily, the white rabbit won.
“I’ll, um… get my things then…” she whispered, and walked away on stumbling legs.
I didn’t go after her. I stared at the kettle, breathing strong to fight the tears, listening to the floorboards creaking over my head.
I don’t know how I managed to call a taxi. I don’t know how I managed to watch her there, standing at the front door, jittering with a whole fresh kind of jitters without holding her tight and begging her to stay.
The lights of the cab shone through the window, and I walked on out alongside her, handing over the cash to the driver before she could protest.
“Halsey,” I said, and he nodded.
Chloe was dithering as I opened the rear door and gestured her inside.
“Thanks again,” I told her, and my voice sounded so fucking cold.
She didn’t answer, just shrugged, a fresh stream of tears down her cheeks.
“Make sure you head into work,” I said. “The ward will need you tomorrow.”
She shrugged again. “I’ll try my best.”
“That’s a good little jitterbug.” I managed a smile, leaning in to kiss her forehead.
“I mean it,” she said once she had dropped into the backseat. “I love you, Logan. I don’t want to leave. I don’t ever want to leave.”
It was my turn not to answer.
I closed the door and raised a hand as the car pulled away, watching her saucer eyes watching me through the window until the street corner blocked her from view.
She was gone.
I hated myself.
My little freckle-faced jitterbug was gone.
I made it back to the dining room table before I collapsed with my head in my hands. Ripples of pain ate me alive, over and over as my goodbyes tore me apart.
Because it wasn’t just one goodbye I’d said that evening.
Wasn’t just one farewell I’d made to every joyous moment of my life.
I stumbled upstairs to the bathroom, retching in the sink before I met my eyes in the mirror.
I saw my pain. I saw the futility. I saw everything I needed to see to open that bathroom cabinet and pull the huge insulin bottle from the back of the shelf.
I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t do it.
I stumbled along the landing, and this time I couldn’t stop the glance inside Mum’s room at her empty bed, oxygen pipes still dangling limp by her mattress.
The insulin bottle was in my hands when I went into my bedroom to check Chloe had taken all her things. I was still looking for her clothes at the side of the bed when I caught the flicker of white from my pillowcase.
A letter.
I saw a letter.
Logan.
My gut twisted and lurched.
I could hear Mum’s voice calling my name, her scrawl a squeeze of her hand on mine.
I put the insulin down on the bedside table and picked up the envelope, turning it over and over in my hands.
Logan.
I sat and stared. Thought. Drifted in and out of sleep, that envelope in my hands until the very first hints of sunlight started up through the window.
Logan.
The world started turning. Rousing to life. And I was still a part of it.
I was still Dr Logan Hall.
No matter how much I wanted it to be done for me, I was still Dr Logan Hall.
Fuck it.
Fuck it all.
I took the letter downstairs, and this time I really did flick the kettle on. This time I got myself a mug from the cupboard and spooned out coffee from the pot, and I pulled myself together.
I sat down at the dining table, my teeth gritted tight and my throat dry as a bone, cursing myself for my own fucking weakness in a cruel fucking world.
Then, finally, I tore that envelope open.45To my son, who fills my days with love and joy. I watched you grow from a boy into a man, and no mother could be prouder of all you’ve achieved.
When you read this I will no longer be here, but please smile for me, knowing that my life has always been a good one where lessons are learnt and blessings are earnt. You have always been my biggest blessing, my boy, and I’m so pleased to leave you with a blessing all of your own.
I can now pass on, sound in the knowledge that if you open your heart and life, like I know you can do, and share the good, bad and joyous with that beautiful little sweetheart by your side, you will never be alone.
With Chloe I know that you will see how wonderful it feels to be loved, safe and secure. Everything is always better if you share your love and joy. Everything. She is strong, with a wise little head on her shoulders, and she loves you as you, for you. For the amazing Logan Hall I love so much.
She’s a lucky girl, my love. A very lucky girl. And you are a very lucky man alongside her.
