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It only made it harder, just thinking how much Logan was missing his mum.
I shared my story from start to finish with Mum, and she listened. I told her how much I loved Dr Hall, and she smiled.
“Then you don’t let it go,” she said. “Whatever it takes, Chloe, you don’t let it go. Not if you love him that much.”
I managed a smile, through the grief and the fear, and she smiled back at me, tears springing up of her own.
“What happened to my little girl?” she asked. “You’re not a little girl anymore, are you? You’re a woman. A woman who knows her road.”
I nodded, and for the first time in my life, my fingers didn’t twist in my lap.
She was right. I was a woman.
And I did know my road.
I was a woman in love, with Logan Hall.
And I’d reach him. I would.
Some way, somehow, I’d bring those walls of his tumbling down.47LoganShe would have been a storm of sunlight in my rain. Hearing her knocks and cries at the front door that night was a summons that brought me to my knees.
Fuck. I wanted her.
Fuck. I needed her.
But fuck, she sure didn’t need me.
So, I sat there in the darkness.
My phone was still on silent, resting on the table along with the insulin bottle, and Mum’s letter was propped up next to it, the Logan scrawl burning bright.
I’d known the final extent of the news before Dr Mitchell had called me that afternoon, but it didn’t matter. There was always room for pain on top of pain.
Still, I’d deal with it. Just as I always dealt with it. Just as I always forced my way through the misery with a heart of cold steel.
I took three days out that week to get myself in check for the ward, making sure I looked like the regular Dr Hall before I set off for the train that morning. My seat felt empty without jitterbug opposite, but I was prepared for that. My novel was closed, redundant on my lap, but that didn’t matter. The solidarity in the pages was enough to keep me steady.
I kept my steps brisk on the way into the hospital. I said my hellos to the reception staff and headed on up to Franklin Ward like everything was as normal as normal could be, waving at Richard as I passed him. It was Romi who looked like she’d seen a ghost when I brushed past her in the corridor on my way through to the consultation room. She darted away with a clipboard clutched to her chest, flashing me glances over her shoulder, and I knew exactly where she was headed.
She was headed straight for Chloe.
I was barely settled in my seat when the nervous little rap sounded at the doorway. I cleared my throat before I called the come in, being sure to keep my gaze cold and calm as my little jitterbug stepped inside.
She dropped herself straight into the chair opposite, leaning in across the desk with her eyes open wide. Only this time her fingers weren’t twiddling. This time she wasn’t a jitterbug at all.
“I came to your house on Tuesday night,” she said. “I was calling you right through the evening. You heard me, right? You must’ve heard me.”
“I’m sorry,” I replied. “I’ve been quite caught up with arrangements for Mum’s funeral.” And I felt sick to my gut for my bullshit.
“Right,” she said.
“Right,” I said back.
Her eyes were fierce and loving both at once. Beautiful. Just like always, she was beautiful.
“I’ve been worried about you.”
I nodded. “Thank you. I’m doing ok.”
“Right,” she said.
“Right,” I said back.
And it was more bullshit.
The whole sorry thing was bullshit, stabbing me way fucking deeper than she’d ever know.
“Is this it, is it?” she asked. “This is really how you want it to be?”
I picked up a pen, and this time it was me who twiddled. “I’m not sure I know what you mean, Chloe. If you mean professionalism, then yes, that’s how I want it to be.”
“Right,” she said.
“Right,” I said back, and despised myself for my sorry fucking life.
“I love you,” she told me. “I can say it a million times, and I will keep on saying it. Because I love you.”
“That’s nice to know,” I said, and she scowled at me.
“Why are you being like this?”
I didn’t have an answer to that. Not one I could ever share. Not since I loved her so fucking much.
“Look, Chloe,” I began. “I really appreciate all you’ve given me. Both me and Mum. But it’s over now. We have Franklin Ward to focus on, and you have so much to be learning, so much to be enjoying.”
She shot me a look of fire as she got up from her seat.
“I mean it,” she said. “I love you, Logan.”
