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Everything.
Sudden paranoia burns at my face. I look away, head down. The buzz against my throbbing clit makes me groan, but I’m rocking for him, easing my hips up to take more.
“What turns you on, Amy?” His tone is so dark, so dirty.
“You,” I whisper, and he flicks up the speed on the massager.
“Fuck,” I hiss. “I like… I like it when you’re rough… I like it when you’re in my ass…” I cry out as he sucks his finger and pushes it right in there.
“What else?”
“I love… I love it when you choke me… I love how it feels…”
“How does it feel?”
I can’t stop the smile. “Like I can’t take it… and then like I can… I float… and it’s amazing… it’s beautiful to see the stars… to see you…”
“And you’re not scared?”
I shake my head. “No…”
I’m going to come so hard. I feel it from my clit to my toes.
“What else?”
I’m sweating. I can taste it on my lips.
“Amy, what else turns you on? What do you think about when you’re alone?”
I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to say this. I’m already in way too deep.
I murmur that he’s everything. That I want everything he wants. He pushes another finger in my ass and I’m on fire.
I can’t hold back the words. Can’t hold back the thoughts I’ve had in bed at night.
The thoughts about that divorce paperwork.
The thoughts about the filthy things he likes.
I can’t hold back the thoughts about him and Dean.
“I want to see you…” I whisper. “Oh God…”
“See me what?”
He moves so quickly. Pinning himself on top with his cock poised against my open lips.
He’s so hard. I can taste the wetness on his tip.
“See me do what, Amy?”
He pushes into my mouth until I gag, and then he pulls right out again.
My clit sparks like fucking crazy.
His balls are heavy on my forehead. He smells incredible.
His voice is raspy. “I have very few hard limits. You just have to fucking tell me.”
And I do.
My confession is nothing but a whisper choked in the air.
“I want… I want to see you… with another man.”
He comes in my mouth with the words still hanging in the air.
He comes with a grunt that sounds feral, spurting to the back of my throat without warning as I gag on my own orgasm.
I’m a mess. Wriggling and squirming and gurgling his name as my legs thrash the bed.
And when I’m done I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. My breath feels like fire in my chest.
He unplugs the massager without a word, and my endorphins shrivel away.
Fuck. I’ve fucked this up.
I tell him I shouldn’t have said that. That it’s no big deal, just a crazy fantasy.
I tell him it’s stupid. That my stupid mouth was running away with me.
But when he talks, he talks right over me.
“How the hell did you know?”AlexanderMy question leaves her open-mouthed. Her eyes wide and fluttery. “How did I know what?”
My heart is pounding hard, my breaths ragged from the spontaneous eruption of my fucking balls.
She rises to sitting. “What? What do I know?”
My gut is in fucking knots, as though I’ve been exposed raw. Guilty pleasures are so fucking guilty.
I spit it out. “How the hell did you know I want men?”
“You do?!” Her cheeks flush pink. “I, um… I didn’t…” If she’s a liar, she’s a fucking good one. She looks mortified. “Shit, Alexander! You asked and I answered. It’s just a stupid fantasy. I didn’t think you’d… I wasn’t even going to say anything…”
And she wouldn’t have.
It took a fucking bodywand on high speed and two thick fingers in her asshole to unravel her enough to confess.
“I haven’t done it for a long time,” I tell her. “Since before I was married.”
“It’s really none of my business, you don’t have to tell me…”
But I want to. Because if this is real… if she really…
I rub my temples. “I struggle with this. With this… interest.”
“You feel bad about wanting sex with other men?”
Her question is so innocuous, so unassuming, and it makes me feel like a fucking douche for my hang-ups.
“I have my fucking father to thank for that,” I admit. “And my judgemental fucking bitch of an ex-wife.”
“You don’t have to talk about it...”
“It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it.” I hate the way my voice snaps. “I’m just not used to talking. I’m not used to…” My arms gesture to nothing. “This. Any of this.”
“It’s just a silly fantasy.” Her voice is so calm. “It’s not a big deal. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”
But I can’t deny the truth to myself.
I love how uncomfortable she makes me feel. I love how on edge this is making me, how fucking desperate I feel inside.
I love the glimmer of hope in the darkness. And I love that I hope this is something.
