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“The guy’s fucked up,” he says.
“But you want him.”
“I want a lot of things…”
“Fifty-fifty,” I say. “One night. You get to have him.”
“And what the fuck will you be doing?” His jaw is so tight.
“Watching,” I say. “Just watching, Dean. It’s not like we… I won’t be…”
He shakes his head. “Don’t even talk about it. I’m gay, Lissa, I just can’t even.”
It’s the first time he’s said it out loud. His words hang in the air as I take a breath.
“You already knew.” He shrugs. “It’s not news.”
“No,” I say. “It’s not news.” I swirl the wine in my glass. “I mean it. I wouldn’t be… involved. It’s about Alexander, and you.”
“There is no Alexander and me,” he snaps. “I’ve never even met the guy.”
“But you could…”
He gets to his feet. I know he’s considering it when he begins pacing. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he is.
I give him space.
I’m finding that works pretty well lately.
“How would you even swing it? What you gonna say? Hey, Mr Henley, this is Dean, my best fucking friend. He looks after my brother for me while I’m out playing hooker.”
His words cut, but I don’t say a thing.
“Hey, Mr Henley, this is Dean. He’s a sad little virgin guy who jerks off to your picture every fucking night and thinks about taking it in the ass. Is that what you’re gonna fucking say, Lissa?”
I can’t keep my silence. “You’re a virgin?!”
He groans. “Don’t act so surprised. You were a fucking virgin a few weeks ago.”
I feel my shot. It’s a whisper on the wind. A glimmer of a chance.
“I was a virgin until him. And he was the best experience of my life. He was everything.” I’m being honest. My smile is all real as I remember how he took me, how he made it feel so good. “Fine, if you don’t want to do it for me, do it for yourself.”
“For me?!”
“Yeah,” I say. “For you. Do it because you want him. Do it because he’s everything. Do it because he’ll be the most amazing experience you’ll ever have.”
“With you there cheerleading from the sidelines?”
“You’ll forget I’m even there, I promise.”
“You promise?!” His laugh sounds as crazy as I feel.
I finish up my wine. “I need to go to bed. I have work tomorrow.”
“I’m not doing it,” he says.
His voice sounds a lot more certain than he looks, but I’ve said my piece. I’ve said it all.
“I’ll find someone else,” I tell him. “Don’t worry about it. If you don’t want him, I’ll find someone who does.”
“Some fucking random?!”
“I guess so.”
He shakes his head. “Just quit your job. Tell him you got off on the wrong foot, he may never know, not if you give him your real name and pretend it was a false alias.”
“He knows Amy is a real person. He looked her up.”
I hate the way his eyes bore into me. “He looked her up?!”
“Yeah. I had no idea he would.”
He rubs his temples. “She knows me. She knows you. What the hell if he turns up at her door? What the fuck do we do then?”
It’s nothing I haven’t thought about myself. Nothing that hasn’t niggled me at night before I fall asleep.
“I’ll tell him,” I say. “I’ll quit cleaning and I’ll tell him my real name, just as soon as he’s fucked another man. I’ll tell him the very next week.”
He laughs a cynical laugh.
“I will!” I insist. “I’ll tell him. I just need this final piece of the puzzle! This one last thing!”
“Gay sex?!”
I nod. “So he knows I’m all in. With everything.”
“Fucking hell,” he hisses. “This is so fucking fucked up!”
I don’t argue with him.
I squeeze his arm as I head for bed. My fingers link his and tug before I reach the door.
“Forget I said anything,” I tell him. “It’s cool.”
He doesn’t say a word as I close the door behind me.
I hear him pace around the place as I climb into bed. I hear him clear up the wine glasses a few minutes later.
And then nothing.
Silence.I’m half asleep when the tap on my door comes.
The clock says half three a.m.
He eases the door open, and I feel the weight of him on the bottom of my bed.
I’m reaching for my nightlight when he tells me to stop.
“What is it?” I ask. “Are you okay?”
I can’t see him nod. I can only hear him breathe.
“You’ll just be watching? No like… touching or…”
“Of course no touching. This is just… him… with a guy…”
“Fifty-fifty?”
“You can have the whole three grand if you want it.”
I’m not tired at all as I wait in the darkness.
Sleep has well and truly given up the ghost as I wait for Dean to spit out whatever he’s thinking.
“I’ll do it,” he whispers. “Just once. So you don’t need to… find someone.”
