I couldn’t fix him.
I couldn’t save him.
The witty, fun-loving guy who I had fallen in love with was gone. And I needed to accept that to begin my healing process. No more stepping on needles in the middle of the night when I stayed over. No more burned spoons hidden in cereal boxes and coat pockets. No more uneasy feelings of never knowing if the next time he shoots up will be the time I find that he’d overdosed. No more broken promises, no more begging him to stop—to get clean.
I couldn’t carry his darkness with him anymore. I needed to free myself.
When my dad and brother finally arrived, I was still lying in Tyler’s bed, buried under his blankets and inhaling his familiar scent one more time. With my eyes swollen and my stomach clenched, my dad gently scooped me up.
My muscles went limp in the security of his arms as I felt every ounce of air leave my body.
“This is it, Bailey. You need to be done now,” he said, more of a demand rather than a suggestion. I hadn’t responded, but I had already decided.
This chapter must come to a close.
Although it’s been five years, the memories of that day are seared into the deep corners of my mind, only surfacing to send me little tormented reminders.
I left that relationship a gilded butterfly, losing my flight, my purpose in life. I was a shiny shell of what once existed behind the facade of love.
A tear falls onto the legal document that I clutch between my fingers, smearing the black ink. Tyler has finally signed away his parental rights to our beautiful, almost five-year-old boy.
Now Luca is completely mine. I never have to worry about my child being exposed to what his father is, and Tyler can continue to live his life of addiction while his son is safe and loved.
With help from my parents, I have fought for this since the moment I found out that I was pregnant.
“How do you feel about it finally being legal?” my mom asks, handing me a cup of green tea.
I take a minute to gather my thoughts before responding, then set the cup on the kitchen counter and squeeze my eyelids, bending to rest my forehead on my folded arms that now lay on the cold granite.
“I don’t know.” My voice is muffled. “Relieved and thankful but I also feel somber. I took Luca’s dad away from him.”
She rubs my back. “You saved him from his dad. Tyler is sick. That is not something that Luca should ever be exposed to. We’ve been fighting for this for years. Don’t let your guilt take the moment away from you.”
I let out a deep sigh. “Sometimes I feel like Luca has been cheated out of having a dad, you know? I carry that burden as a mother. Like it was my fault somehow.” I admit.
My mom gently lifts my shoulders, turning me to face her. “This is not your fault. Luca is your gift for everything you put up with while you were with Tyler. Honey, like I told you that day, Harry and Dad brought you home. You sacrificed enough of yourself for a lifetime. And Luca is your reward for all of that. He is yours.”
Tears flood my eyes as I listen to my mother comfort me. She is right. She’s always right.
“Luca is happy and healthy. That boy has so much love, and he wants for nothing. Not all kids are lucky to have a mom like you, Bailey. You’ve created this incredible life for him—a safe life. You did that.” Her hands are wet when she pulls them from my face. “Never forget that.”
“I love you so much, Mom. Thank you.” I wrap my arms around her, squeezing as tight as I can. A second later, I feel my dad’s arms come around from behind. He must have been walking by the kitchen and noticed me and my mom. Now the three of us are in a tight embrace. My mom in my front and my dad’s arms around my back. They absorb all my hurt and all my anguish like they always have.
“Hey, family. What’s going on?” My brother, Harry, walks in. Without answering or releasing each other, I feel one of my mom’s arms lift from my back to invite Harry in. He follows her gesture, wrapping his wide arms around our little group. We stay together for a few silent moments before my brother releases first.
“For real, though, what’s going on?” he asks again with a puzzled expression.
“Tyler signed the papers.”
His head falls back as he runs his hands down the length of his face. “Fuck, finally. I’m so sorry, B, that you’ve had to deal with this as long as you have—or at all, for that matter.”
Reaching my hand out, I squeeze his in mine. “I know the situation sucks, but at least Luca is safe with us. And if Tyler ever decides to get clean, then he’ll be able to have a relationship with his son, but until then, it’s not going to happen.”
“You’ve been so strong and so brave. We’re all proud of you,” my dad adds.
I smile. “Thanks.”
“It still pisses me off so much that I even let him date you in the first place and that I allowed it to get as far as it did. I should have done more,” Harry says, opening the fridge to grab sparkling water.
