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I nodded, and tried to look sincere.
“Now, Chloe, have you ever heard of schizophrenia?”
My heart stopped. “Sch-?schizophrenia?”
“Yes. Do you know anything about it?”
My mouth opened and closed, brain refusing to fill it with words.
“Chloe?”
“Y-?you think I'm schizo?”
Her mouth tightened. “We don't use that word, Chloe. In fact, we prefer not to use labels at all. But a diagnosis is a necessary part of the process. A patient must know her condition, understand and accept it before we can begin treatment. ”
“B-?but I just got here. How c-?can you know already—”
“Do you remember at the hospital? The doctors you spoke to? The tests they ran?”
“They found schizophrenia?”
She shook her head. “While scientists are working on a way to definitively diagnose schizophrenia, we don't have anything conclusive yet. Those tests, though, ruled out other possibilities, such as tumors or drug use. Taking those results and combining them with your symptoms, the most likely diagnosis is schizophrenia. ”
I stared at the floor. “You think I have schizophrenia. ”
“Do you know what it is?” She spoke slowly, like she was starting to question my intelligence.
“I've seen A Beautiful Mind. ”
More lip pursing. “That's Hollywood's version, Chloe. ”
“But it's based on a true story, right?”
“Based. ” Her voice softened. “I know from your file that you enjoy movies, and that's wonderful. But they aren't a good place to learn about mental illness. There are many forms and degrees of schizophrenia and yours isn't the same as that one. ”
Wasn't it? I saw people who weren't there, just like the guy in the movie.
Dr. Gill continued. “What you are experiencing is what we'd call undifferentiated schizophrenia, meaning you're displaying a limited number of the primary symptoms—in your c
ase, seeing visions and hearing voices. Visual and auditory hallucinations. ”
“What about paranoia?”
“We see no evidence of that. You show no signs of disorganized behavior or disorganized speech patterns—”
“What about stuttering?”
She shook her head. “That's unrelated. You display none of the other symptoms, Chloe. ”
“Will I? Eventually?”
“Not necessarily. We'll have to be vigilant, of course, but we've caught this early. Usually a diagnosis isn't made until a patient is in her late teens or twenties. It's like catching a disease in its early stages, when we have the best chance to minimize its progression. ”
“And get rid of it. ”
A moment of silence as she fingered a long corded necklace. “Schizophrenia . . . is not like the flu, Chloe. It is permanent. ”
Blood thundered in my ears, drowning out her next words. She leaned forward, touching my knee.
“Chloe, are you listening to me?”
I nodded.
She moved back. “Schizophrenia is not a life sentence. But it is a lifelong condition. Like having asthma. With lifestyle changes and medication, it can be controlled and you can lead an otherwise normal life, to the point where no one will realize you have it unless you choose to tell them. ” She leaned back, meeting my gaze. “Earlier you said you were determined to do whatever it took to get through this. I know you were hoping for a quick fix, but this is going to require that same level of maturity and determination. Are you still prepared to do that, Chloe?”
I had more questions. Did it usually happen this fast, with no warning? One day you're walking around, totally normal, and the next you're hallucinating and running screaming through the halls? Then, bang, you get told you have schizophrenia, case closed?
It all seemed too sudden. But when I looked at Dr. Gill, watching me expectantly, waiting to get on to the next phase, I was afraid if I said anything, it would sound like I was still in denial; and if I did that, I'd never get out of Lyle House.
So I nodded. “I just want to get better. ”
“Good. Then we'll begin. ”
Dr. Gill explained about the medication. It was supposed to stop my hallucinations. Once they had the dose adjusted, there shouldn't be any significant side effects, but at first I might experience partial hallucinations, depression, and paranoia. Great. Sounded like the cure was as bad as the disease.
Dr. Gill assured me that by the time I left the group home, taking the pills would be no different than taking daily asthma medicine. “That's how you need to think of schizophrenia, Chloe. As a medical condition. You did nothing to cause it. "
And could do nothing to cure it.
“You'll go through a period of depression, anger, and even denial. That's natural, and we'll deal with that in our sessions. You'll meet with me for an hour a day. ”
“Are there group sessions, too?” I asked.
“No. Someday you may decide you want to explore the dynamics of group therapy and we can discuss that later, but at Lyle House, we believe that privacy is critical. You need to fully accept your condition before you'll be comfortable sharing it with others. ”
She laid her notebook on the desk and crossed her hands on her knee. “And that leads to our final topic for today. Privacy. As I'm sure you've guessed, all the residents here are coping with mental issues. But that is all anyone needs to know. We will not share details of your condition, your symptoms, or your treatment with anyone here. If anyone pressures you for details, you are to come to us right away. ”
“They already know,” I murmured.
“What?”
The outrage blazing from her eyes told me I should have kept my mouth shut. I knew from past therapy that it was important to share anything that was bothering me, but I didn't need to start my stay at Lyle House by tattling.
“N-?not about the schizophrenia. Just. . . someone knew about me seeing things. Ghosts. Which I never said. To anyone. ”
“Who was it?”
“I—I'd rather not say. It was no big deal. ”
She unfolded her hands. “Yes, it is a big deal, Chloe. But I also appreciate that you don't want to get anyone into trouble. I have a good idea who it was. She must have been eavesdropping when we were discussing your hallucinations and jumped to her own conclusions about . . . ” A dismissive wave of her hands. “Ghosts. I'm sorry this happened, but I promise it will be handled discreetly. ”
“But—”
“She won't know you told us anything, but it must be dealt with. ” She eased back into her seat. “I'm sorry this happened on your first day. Young people are, by nature, curious, and as hard as we strive to provide privacy, it isn't always possible in such tight living quarters. ”
“It's okay. No one made a big deal of it. ”
She nodded. “We have a very good group of young people here. In general, they are very respectful and accepting. That's important at Lyle House. You have a difficult road ahead and we're all here to make that journey as smooth as possible. ”
Schizo.
It didn't matter how many times Dr. Gill compared it to a disease or physical disability, it wasn't the same thing. It just wasn't. I had schizophrenia.
If I saw two guys on the sidewalk, one in a wheelchair and one talking to himself, which one would I rush to open a door for? And which would I cross the road to avoid?
Dr. Gill said it was just a matter of taking my meds and learning to cope. If it was that easy, why were there people wandering the streets talking to themselves? Crazy-?eyed homeless people shouting at thin air?
Seeing people who weren't there. Hearing voices that didn't exist.
