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"Of course you do. But it was the right choice."
"I'm really glad she's alive." He looked over. "That was great news. I was worried about you. Losing Rafe, and then Nicole, after you guys started being friends, and I know you weren't over losing Serena yet." He paused and cleared his throat. "Well, obviously. I just mean..."
"I know." I tried to see his expression in the moonlight, but he was looking at the sky again. Thinking about Serena. After a moment, I slid my hand over his. "I know you're not over her either."
"Right."
The word came out thick and he turned his face a little farther to the other side. I sat up, cross-legged. When he didn't move, I touched his shoulder.
"Anytime you want to talk--"
He sat up so fast I nearly toppled off the rock. He didn't seem to notice. He sat down again on the other side, looking the other way, feet dangling over the edge, his shoulders set.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I just never know whether you want to talk or don't want to--"
"I was going to break up with her."
He blurted it so fast, I wasn't sure I understood. I lowered myself to sit cross-legged beside him.
"You were..."
"I was going to break up with Serena. End it. Dump her. Right before she died."
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh." A sardonic twist of his lips. He went to stand. "Forget it. I shouldn't have--"
I caught his hand. "Don't. You want to talk about this, right?"
He hesitated. Then another humorless smile. "I'm not sure talk is the right word. More like confess."
"So what happened?" I asked. "She hadn't mentioned a fight or anything."
"Because there wasn't one. Because nothing happened. Nothing went wrong. It just--" He took a deep breath, then let it out, cheeks puffing. He rubbed the back of his neck and shifted, then took another breath. "We were doing fine. But it wasn't ... going anywhere. When she first asked me to that dance, I didn't feel right saying no. She was a friend and--"
He swallowed. Rubbed his neck again. Looked around. Then he motioned at the rock. "Can we lie down again? I think I'll do this better..."
"If you're talking to the sky?"
A half laugh, half snort. "Yeah. Lame, I know, but--"
I stretched out on my back. He did the same.
"So you went to the dance..." I prompted.
"Right. And it was fine. I liked Serena. She was fun to be around, and easy to get along with and ... well, you know. There was no reason not to go out with her, since that's what she wanted and..." He paused. "But that's not really a good enough reason to go out with someone either. I started figuring that out. Mostly because of the summer boys."
"Her flirting with them? She--"
"She didn't mean anything by it, I know. And I wasn't upset. I wasn't the least bit jealous or insulted and I started to realize that I should be. Even if I trusted her, I should have felt something when she flirted with other guys. Instead, I'd almost hope..."
He rubbed his mouth. Blurted the words again. "I almost hoped she'd meet someone else. I played the whole thing out in my head. I'd tell her it was okay, and we could still be friends. That's when I realized I wasn't being fair, letting her think things were fine and keeping her from finding someone else. I had to end it."
I nodded.
"Only doing it wasn't easy. I was close, really close when..."
"She drowned."
