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"Are you sure?" Daniel said.
Corey shifted. "Look, I know we need to be careful, but"--he waved a hand around--"we're in the middle of nowhere. It's the cottage of her grandmother's friend. How would we even know she was here? No one's going to expect this."
"You're sure of that? Sure enough to bet Maya's freedom on it?"
Corey swore under his breath. "I didn't mean it like that."
"I know," I said. "You're right. We need to take a chance. But it's almost seven now. It'll be dark soon. Once it is, I can get to the cabin, get her attention, and get her to let me in."
Daniel shook his head. "If she sees you through a window, she might react loud enough for anyone watching to overhear. I should--"
"I'll do it," Corey said. "First, she knows me the least, so she'll have the least reaction to seeing me alive. Second, I'm the guy you can most afford to lose."
"We can't afford to lose anyone," I said.
"Let's not go through this again, okay? I don't need you guys to make me feel important. You and Daniel got us this far and you're the ones most likely to get us out. From now on, if someone needs to take a risk, it's me. Always me."
We finally agreed that it would be him this time. It was true that Daniel and I had done most of the planning so far. We'd all grown up together in a very small school, where Daniel and I were the class leaders, not because we were awesomely perfect, but because we tended to take charge naturally and the others were happy to kick back and let us shoulder that responsibility. In a crisis, they'd done the same.
Yet everyone had played their part in this ordeal. Often, that role had been the sacrificial lamb. Hayley, Sam, and Rafe had all let themselves be captured so the rest of us could escape. And with every sacrifice they made, the pressure to honor it by saving them grew greater, and I felt less worthy of it.
So we waited for dark. And as we waited, I became more and more anxious. It was already driving me crazy, being this close to my grandmother, with her in there grieving for me. I kept thinking Corey was right, we were being overly paranoid and maybe, in that paranoia, losing our best chance. Maybe it wasn't just paranoia, either. Maybe we'd become cowards. Unwilling to take a risk if it meant we might be captured, too.
"I need to move," I said finally as dusk fell.
We were sitting against the neighboring cottage, the long grass hiding us. Nobody had spoken in almost an hour and when I did, the guys both jumped.
"I just want to take a walk." I glanced down at my trembling hands and clenched them into fists. "I'll be careful."
Daniel looked at me, his head tilted, eyes dark, like he wanted to do something or say something. "Okay," he said finally. Then, voice lowered another notch, "It'll all be over soon."
You'll see her soon is what he meant. I nodded and said I wouldn't be long, then crawled through the long grass to a stand of forest. Only when I was deep enough in did I rise and begin to walk.
Being in the forest only reminded me of my forest, which reminded me of my parents and our lives there and made me wonder whether we'd ever be able to go back. Almost certainly we wouldn't go back. Salmon Creek was lost to us. My forest was lost to me.
And it was only then that I truly understood what I'd had--a damned near perfect life. Days spent tramping through the wilderness with my dog, with Daniel, endless idyllic days when we had nothing more to worry about than planning the next school fund-raiser. Even that was hardly stressful--we'd put on an event and the town would open its wallets. The St. Clouds would make a huge donation, and everyone would tell us what an amazing job we'd done. Now I wondered if we could have slapped together a bake sale with tables full of stale Rice Krispies Treats and gotten the same results.
The scientists had wanted us to grow up healthy and confident. Most of all, though, they wanted us to be happy, so that when we discovered the truth, we'd be okay with it.
Would we have been okay with it? No. We'd never have forgiven them for the lie. But could we have reconciled ourselves to a life as research subjects and future Cabal employees? I should say no. Emphatically no. Yet I can see a future where that might have happened. If they'd raised us knowing what had been done to us and why. And if they'd given us a choice. Accept what we're offering or you're free to leave.
I grieved for the loss of my old life, and I worried about my parents and my friends, and I couldn't even walk it off because the patch of forest was so narrow. So I had to circle, which started to feel like pacing, and only made me all the more anxious. When my palms began to itch, I rubbed them against my jeans, still pacing, until the faint rubbing sound turned into a harsh rasp. I looked down to see the skin on my palms thickening, roughening. Hair had sprouted on the back of my hands. My cheeks itched, too, and when I reached up, I knew what I'd feel--the planes of my face changing, more hair sprouting. I barely had time to think "I'm shifting" when my knees gave way, like someone kicked them from behind. I fell to all fours, heaving, the air suddenly too thin, my
chest too tight.
Not now. Please not now.
I closed my eyes, fingers digging into the dry earth, willing the transformation to stop. Pain ripped through me and I gritted my teeth against a scream.
This hadn't happened before. It never hurt before.
Because you didn't fight it before.
But I had to stop it. I should be able to stop it.
Only I couldn't, and the harder I tried the more it hurt, the pain so strong I nearly passed out. If I did, then I'd finish the transformation in my sleep, as I had before. Either I let it happen or I passed out and it happened in spite of me. Either way, it was happening.
I pulled off my clothing. I'd barely thrown it aside before I crashed to the ground and everything went dark. A moment later, I woke up. There was that usual split second of "where am I? what am I?" grogginess before I remembered and leaped to all fours.
