Everything rushes back over me—the kiss, my call with Coal and texting with Iris, passing out here.
The kiss.
The kiss.
The—
My eyes catch on the table next to the couch.
There’s a glass of water. Two pain pills. A bag of crackers.
The heat building in my body floats into my cheeks.
I’m painfully aware of the silence stretching between Siobhán and me, but I feel drunk again for an entirely different reason.
“Give me ten minutes?” I squint up at her.
“Five. And that’s generous.” She swats the side of my head and spins out of the room.
I take the pain pills, down the water, and eat a few crackers before I leave the library. What’s the event today? Pretending to likeLoch at these events for the tabloids will be a whole lot easier now that I actually like him,like himlike him, and I freeze once I’m in my room.
That effervescence from last night is everywhere, my veins and my gut and my chest as I inhale.
I like Lochlann Patrick.
It’s overtaking all my senses like a megaphone announcer got ahold of my amygdala,I like Lochlann Patrick.
But my rational side remembers, quite vividly, that I don’t know what he’s thinking. I held his hand in the car, but he pulled away. He initiated the kiss, yeah, but hestoppedit, too—then he brought me hangover and pain cures in the library, and covered me with a blanket. So what doesthatmean?
Shit.
I’m in all sorts of trouble.
I ignore the Wren-approved outfit for today—shelabeledmy sets of clothes, good god—and throw on a T-shirt and jeans. New bandages in place, I make do without a shower, grab my coat, and get down to the foyer in an absolute hurricane of new sensations that a twelve-year-old would be more equipped to handle. As is, I feel half out of my mind.
Attraction was always so soft with other people. With some of them, I’d find myself having to actively rememberOh yeah, I like them.
Which, in retrospect, should’ve been pretty telling.
In my defense, liking people that way was easy and calm, and Iwantedeasy and calm. I wanted simple and drama-free and steady.
Now, I’m wondering if I ever wanted that, or if I thought it would make me happy as a contrast to how torn up I always am about my other life stressors. I thought the balance to being in a constant state of anxiety was peace; but what if it’s chaos? Not fighting my own chaos or trying to tamp down my emotions, but leaning into it until I’m yelling and he’s yelling and honestly, it’shot.
Maybe liking someoneshouldbe this caustic, a long, slow, silent death.
He’s standing off to the side of the foyer already, going over some papers with Colm, and he’s wearing a black wool coat with the collar popped, the cut of it hugging long lines that feed to his hips, down his legs, and his hair is set in an intentionally messy spray. I can’t hear what he’s saying but his lips move, and I watch those lips, feel their impression on my neck.
This is.
Going to be a problem.
He also doesn’t look even a little bit like he woke up with a hangover.
Dick.
“Finally,” Finn drones and stands from a chair. “Let’sgo.”
Loch stiffens.
