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It was like I’d granted him permission. He reached down, grasping my thighs and picked me up. He moved forward, and my butt met with the counter. I felt this was what he’d been waiting for ever since he met me at the door. This was why he couldn’t wait for me to get out of the bathroom. He’d already waited long enough.
He captured my knees, drawing them apart and sliding in until his groin was shoved up against mine. His palms traced toward my hips, and then he slid his hands under my butt, gripping like he had to hang on or he’d fall.
I couldn’t stop my own hands. My fingers wound their way through his hair, and then glided down against his neck and chest. Even through his shirt, I could feel the shape of his muscles, the warmth of his skin.
The burn of anger welled up as he kissed me. I don’t know where it came from. After my father and what he’d done, and Wil being gone still, this new emotion I was feeling for Brandon drew me to the edge. I was angry with myself. I was lashing out at Brandon like if I could only get him to care about me, I wouldn’t feel as alone as I thought I was.
I pressed my lips back into him hard, taking control of the kiss. My hands fell from his neck and slipped up his shirt to grip at his bare sides, I used my nails, digging into his flesh, clinging to him. I pulled him in, crushing myself against him, punishing myself, and using him to make myself feel better. Like if he kissed me harder, I’d find some redemption, maybe I’d even find an answer to the question burning through me: Who the hell loved me anymore?
He grunted loud against the kiss, pushing himself against me harder. He backed his lips away for a moment. “Kayli,” he said. The tone was a warning.
I swallowed and let out a small groan. I forced my hands to relax.
He captured my wrists and then planted my palms against his chest. My fingers rubbed instinctively against him. I looked up at him, puzzled. I thought he was telling me not to do this when he started it.
My desperate heart felt like it had been abandoned and he was here to claim it. I was giving in because I was too weak to push him away and sit empty. I needed to be wanted, when I’d been cast aside by my own family. I focused on Brandon, begging him silently: Don’t let me be alone. Don’t let go of me. Don’t let me walk out again.
Even if I try.
His blue eyes narrowed on my face. “This isn’t... I’m not...” He twisted his lips into a frown, closed his eyes and then lowered his head a little. He lifted my hand, and pressed his lips to my palm. He kissed my skin, then held it against his mouth as he spoke. “Did I fuck up before? Is that why you didn’t talk to me about it after?”
“What? Talk about what?”
“I kissed you,” he said. “And then you never said anything about it and ran off with Coaltar. When you came back, you kept your distance, and then you left again. Marc said you needed to get things together by yourself but...” His head lifted and he met my eyes, pleading with me. “Am I making this worse?”
Oh god, I screwed up. I hadn’t realized he’d been waiting. He wanted to know if we were messing around or if this meant something before he went any further. The pain in his eyes was heavier now. I was messing up worse, because I’d also kissed Marc, which left me confused. The last thing I wanted was to hurt Brandon anymore, because this was about to go way too far.
It was already too far, because I wanted to tell Brandon to kiss me again. I wanted to let go and be crazy and surrender everything just to change those eyes. He was incredible, and right in front of me,
His eyes were telling me he’d already gone over the edge and needed to know where I was. He wanted me there with him, right beside him.
“I still had my brother to look after,” I said, using Wil as an excuse as to why I’d walked out before. I wanted to distract Brandon from getting any closer right now. I didn’t pull away, but I didn’t want another confusing kiss or something more distracting me. We needed to focus and get our heads together before we ended up doing something in a desperate moment that we would regret later. “We just got out of one mess and I... Wil is still out there somewhere. I can’t go look for him now. And I don’t know if he...I mean I’m...” I sighed. Hopeless.
“I know,” he said. His thumb slipped over my cheek, massaging. “I’d feel the same way about my brother.”
“I can’t let Wil go back to the hotel,” I said. “And the police can’t find out or they’ll send him back to Jack. They might send in social services.” Throwing another problem at Brandon would distract him for now, would give me an excuse. My head was busy with the current dilemma. I couldn’t focus on us while my brother was out there. He had to understand that. Don’t make me make these decisions now.
“Maybe,” he said, taking the bait. He sucked in a breath, breaking away from me to turn, and stare at the shower. “But we’ve got some time. Maybe if we catch him at school, we can talk him into moving in here. We could still help him get into college like you wanted. If that’s what he wants to do.”
I swallowed, and slid forward on the counter to land on my feet. I covered myself with my arms, leaning back against the counter and trying to push back my messed up feelings for now.
I was probably making this worse, too, because I was putting the blame of my distracted state on making sure my brother was okay. When we found him, there wouldn’t be anything to hold up between us. I’d have to give Brandon an answer. As it was, I was already almost telling him I wanted to get close, but felt too guilty doing so now with my brother being gone. I hadn’t meant to give that impression, but if I were completely honest, maybe I wasn’t totally against the idea.
It was a horrible thought. There was still Marc to deal with.
Brandon frowned, took a step forward and embraced me in a comforting hug. “Don’t worry,” he said. “We’ll find him. If there’s one thing we’re good at, it’s finding lost people.”
I sucked in a breath, catching the warmth that radiated from him. I wished I could believe it. I grunted internally because I didn’t feel like myself. I was never usually this depressing. “I just need some sleep,” I said, realizing it was the truth. “It’s been a long day.”
“I know,” he said. He shifted, and kissed the top of my head. He backed up and then opened the door. “I’ll be up for a bit. I’ll let you know if anything happens. I’ll see if there’s anything we can do tomorrow.”
He walked out of the bathroom, through the bedroom, and then out that door, closing it behind him completely.
I swallowed. My heart was feeling too much at once. I turned the light off in the bathroom. I stood in the dark, seeing ghostly white markings all over the place. Numbers and letters in equations I didn’t understand. Brilliant, beautiful Corey.
Brandon was giving my heart issues, making it difficult to think. There was Marc, too. Raven–he’d implied we were a couple a few times now. Was he serious about that or just messing with me?
Why did I have to feel so strongly about them? It made it hard to keep my distance. They were all incredible. I was greedy for the affection. If I was smart, I’d either pick one right now and make it clear to all of them, or tell them all to back off.
If I walked out there now, kissed Brandon on the mouth and told him I wanted to sleep in his room, they’d all get that. If I simply talked to Brandon, told him Marc wanted to date me and I needed to give him a chance, would he hate me for that?
Dating even one was a risk, because if it didn’t work out, I couldn’t simply pick the next one. I’d have to leave.
That thought struck me the hardest. I was one major mistake away from being homeless, and that weighed heavier on me than my dating life. Was I using them for a place to stay? I didn’t like that. I left before to make sure that wasn’t the case. Now it was worse, because I had nowhere to retreat to, except the streets, and I couldn’t do that because of Wil.
Maybe I really did need sleep. Once I had some energy back, maybe I could figure this out.
I pulled back the blanket in the bed and curled up, cov
ering myself again. Straining to listen, the sounds of the apartment quieted.
I reached up to a plastic container nailed to the wall, picking up a piece of chalk. I drew nonsensical lines across the wall. I wondered what it was like for Corey. Why did he need chalk so close to his bed? Why did he need walls painted like this? What did all those numbers mean?
Who was he hunting now?
I put the chalk away and rolled over, willing sleep to take me.
THE SECRET ACADEMY
With Corey’s tiny bedroom window covered up, and the way the bed was pressed up into the corner, it was deceptively dark. It wasn’t until I rolled over that I finally caught a little bit of sunshine in the face and realized it was morning. I groaned, rolled over again, and barely caught myself before I fell off the edge of the bed.
I pulled blankets over my body, covering my head. The room was cold. The boys were Eskimos.
When smothering myself with the blanket interfered with my breathing, I threw the covers away from my face and sprawled out on my stomach. I waited there, balanced on the edge of the bed. My eyes slowly opened until I was staring at the carpet, the vacuum marks still indented in the floor. I wondered where Corey was.
The longer I waited there, the more I tried to force back memories, ideas and thoughts. I wanted the numbness, the forgetfulness of sleep to stay with me as long as possible. I wasn’t ready to face all the problems.
I had a whole day and night left to wait, and I wasn’t sure how to distract myself. I’d have to take up the boys’ offer to help out. The space was so quiet; maybe they were already busy with something else. Where did Corey sleep? Did he?
Maybe I could find a job. It was Sunday, though. People didn’t hire on the weekend.
I was still staring at the floor when I heard the knocking. The pattern was completely random: three knocks, one, four knocks, two, three. It wasn’t to Corey’s bedroom door, but something deeper in the apartment. I ignored it, remaining as still as I could. The air conditioner had cycled off, and the surrounding apartments were eerily quiet, making listening much easier.
