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If he wasn’t dead, though, then what Liam was saying made sense. It was looking pretty grim.
“He’s caught up in something,” I said, swallowing thickly, straining to keep my emotions in check. “He’s in trouble, and we have to help him.”
“Then help me find him,” he said, this time with a strong but kind tone. He put his hands on his hips. “Help me figure out where he is and why he’s hiding. I need you to get your head in the game. Get your head out of this mess you’re making with people.”
“I’m not,” I spat back, but I was firing blanks. Was I just making things worse? “I’m not…”
He pointed a finger toward the door. “I need your help here, Kayli. I don’t know these guys. I said I don’t care about it, but you’re distracting them all. Don’t you see what you’re doing?”
I stood, gripping the robe to my body. Blood drained from my face. He was right. Corey wasn’t involved, of course, but I was sure to have talked to Brandon and Marc eventually. And when I found him, Raven would know, too. Meanwhile, there was someone who had tried to kill us. I hadn’t meant to be a distraction, but my desire to be completely honest was also putting us all at risk.
“I don’t think I should lie,” I said. “Too much has happened. If I hold back now, it will be worse. I’ve already tried to keep quiet, and when secrets started getting out, they started fighting. I don’t want this team to split up…”
“It might be too late for that,” Liam said in the same strong but sympathetic tone as before. “What you’ve started is already ten times more difficult than a normal relationship, and you’re doing it all wrong.”
I looked up at his face, directly into his blue eyes.
He frowned, but his expression wasn’t judgmental, or angry. It was empathetic. I wasn’t sure how I knew, but there was something in the way he looked at me that made me feel he knew way more than he was saying.
“You?”
He lifted his hand, showing me the gold ring on his finger. “My wife,” he said. “She’s…married to three other men.”
My mouth fell open and my heart raced. I’d heard him, but my brain shut down at the very idea. “What?”
“We were like you,” he said and lowered his hand again. “My Lily. I met her first, and I wouldn’t let go. She never let go of me, either, but she needed more than just me. She loves me, and she loves them. And we agreed to be this way.” He grunted. “But that’s not always how it works, or how a relationship like this ends up. In fact, the odds are against you.”
“Huh.” I sat back down on the toilet, crossing my legs and folding my arms over my chest. “This is all a misunderstanding,” I said. I felt I was saying what was expected, but I didn’t really believe it. “I was having a hard time trying get them to ease up so I could take time with this. I want to make it clear I want to get to know them the right way, and I can’t do that holding back.”
“Maybe,” he said. “But from what I’ve heard from the others, they care about you a lot, and they might not be too willing to let go.” He shrugged. “But what do I know? You’ve got to make your own decisions together. What happens if you find out you love more than one?”
I looked down at the floor. I didn’t want him to see the confusing mess of feelings I was holding on to. I wasn’t likely to be the one choosing anything. I couldn’t choose between them already, I knew that. That was the whole problem. If anything, it was likely they’d give up, angry and bitter at me for not being able to make a solid decision.
It would break my heart, but thinking of picking just one of them already did that.
I already felt too deeply about all of them. Maybe I was lying to myself. Asking me which ones I’d let go was like asking me which corner of my own heart I wanted to break.
Liam scratched at his eyebrow. His sneakers squeaked on the tile as he turned from me. “Who in your group knows everything about your interests and who you’ve been with? Does anyone?”
“Axel,” I said. “He knows everything.”
“Then he should be the one to tell the others,” he said with a frown.
“Shouldn’t I tell them?”
“You said they were fighting before. They might explode if we don’t handle this delicately. If Axel knows, he needs to talk to them as soon as he can. And I’m sorry, but I may have to be there.”
That just sounded so wrong to me. This can’t be the right way. “Why?” I asked.
“Just in case they explode,” he said. “I can help. Henry, too.”
I pictured the guy who had come on board with Liam last night. “Him?”
“He’s with my team,” he said. “Married to my Lily. He’s a close friend of mine now. I can’t guarantee what any of them will say, but at least they will hear from us, and it might help you.” He pointed at me. “But I need you to focus on getting Raven to come forward. I need to know, for sure, he wasn’t behind you and Blake going overboard. You either prove it was someone else, or find him. I don’t care which.”
I swallowed again, nodding. He was probably right. If I went to the guys and told them everything, about Blake and then Axel, it was going to spiral out of control. I thought of how angry Brandon and Marc had been when they’d thought Axel was pressuring me. Raven, too, was upset back then. He’d seemed calm last night, though, even after I’d said I wasn’t going to be exclusive.
Could he have been hiding his feelings? Would learning about Blake and Axel make him angry?
It still felt wrong not to tell them myself. Perhaps coming from Axel, it would keep things under control.
“I don’t want them to think I wouldn’t tell them,” I said. “I had planned on it as soon as I had two minutes alone with them.”
“I know,” he said. “I’ll tell them. They’ll want to talk to you, but I’m going to keep them with me until they seem to have calmed down. I don’t need anyone else disappearing, even if they just mean to go vent alone, and they end up in the wrong spot with a potential murderer onboard. In the meantime, you need to stay here with Fancy until I can sort everything out.”
I bowed my head, wishing there was another way and hating to admit he was right. Under other circumstances, I might have been able to take my time with this. We were all at risk here and I didn’t need to bombard them with this. “I seem to always have horrible timing,” I said. “There’s always some emergency or wrong moment.”
He sighed and then turned toward the door. “You’re not the only group I’ve had to give relationship advice to. Normally it isn’t like this, where I have to be around to talk about it. Under the circumstances, we’ll just have to rip the bandage off to see what sort of damage we’re dealing with here.” He paused and then turned to me once more, a rusty eyebrow going up. “Is there anything you want me to add to it? Do you want me to tell them you’ll pick one, but just not now? You’ve said as much, but is that what you really want?”
I clenched my teeth hard, staring at him. “Shouldn’t I pick one? Isn’t that the problem?”
He shrugged. “Not all relationships are just two people. But what I’m asking is what you want. Is one enough for you?” He coughed and then shook his head. “No, that’s not the right question. What I should ask is, can you see your life in, let’s say a year, without them? Or would you be sad if one, or more, left?”
Growing up, I’d rarely thought about the future. I was hardly ever in class when I was in school, and never even considered college. When my mother had fallen ill, I was living day by day, because thinking of the future meant trying to picture a future without my mother, which had been impossible at the time.
When she had died, I couldn’t pict
ure a future at all. I was only trying to survive.
As Liam stared at me with a knowing look and that gold ring prominent on his finger, for the first time, I let myself think.
The truth was, the guys had made me happy, even with the stress and the problems we faced. I enjoyed being the girl in the group of guys, watching TV with them, playing games at the apartment. I loved sleeping near one or another. I loved sharing food, and how they kept me fed, and challenged me every day.
I loved them. I loved how we were together. I’d give anything to be like that, only without secrets, and having to hold back when they found time alone with me. Even Blake, who wasn’t friends with them. I could picture sneaking off to do some adventure with him and coming back to the apartment, welcomed back by Axel and the others, just like before.
“It seems wrong to say it out loud,” I said.
He nodded as if understanding me fully without my having to say what I was really thinking. “It’s only wrong if you’re holding people against their will,” he said. “If they all agree to it, then it isn’t wrong. It’s just people doing what they want to do. Together.”
He moved to the door and turned the handle, then he paused again, looking at his hand. “Just be ready, in case one of them, or more, decides they don’t want that life. That can make those who remain waver. It can make you question what you’re doing. Even if someone walks away, you have to be brave enough, and strong enough, to stand by what you want. If this is what you want.”
Even if someone walks away… The way he spoke, his own personal wisdom, had me curious. “How do you know all this?” I asked.
“I’ve been through it,” he said, and he opened the door. “Stay here with Fancy until someone comes to get you. You’re out of bounds for them all until they come to terms with it, one way or another.”
He closed the bathroom door, and the sound of metal against metal scraped deep into my heart.
I sat on the toilet, staring, finding it hard to believe what just happened.
This was it. Except for Raven, who wasn’t around to tell, the others would know. Aside from Corey, who was an innocent bystander, and once he hears about this, he might not be happy with me for what I was doing to his team. Once they knew, there might be a fight. Would Liam tell Kevin? Doyle? How embarrassing if they found out this way.
