‘I wish you didn’t live so far away,’ he whispers, so softly that I almost don’t hear him.
‘Me too,’ I whisper back, my voice cracking. ‘Look,’ I say, ‘I haven’t been . . .’ the wordsI haven’t been honest with youare on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t bring myself to say them. I can’t risk jeopardising Millie’s one chance at these fish just because I have a crush on some guy (who she happens to hate). I would be giving Hugh so much ammo to take Millie down professionally – it’s definitely a career-ending move to send your little sister on a work trip without telling your boss. Especially when said sister doesn’t have the proper credentials.
I untangle myself from Hugh’s arms. ‘I’ve just had a lot going on lately,’ I say finally. ‘I’m worried I’m losing my ability to focus on the reason I’m here.’
‘I’m not helping you focus?’ He pulls a face and I crack a smile.
‘Not really.’
‘I like that about you,’ he says after a beat. ‘Your ambition.’
‘Yeah,’ I mumble. ‘I don’t actually have too much of that.’
‘You know you don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re all the way out here looking for it, for starters. And, you’re not on a research vessel, you’re spending your own money to do it.’
I shrug.
‘I mean it. I don’t know why you can’t see it. You are fearlessly pursuing something you don’t even know exists. That’s objectively pretty cool. And you’re quick-witted. And I can make you laugh, which does wonders for my ego.’
I can’t bring myself to look at him. I can’t forget that he doesn’t want me to succeed. I can’t forget that he has no idea who I actually am. I can feel his eyes on me. He thinks I am a person who loves adventure and does night dives and has sacrificed my whole life to do something good for the world. There is no way he would like me if he knew I spent every weekday in a cubicle and every weekend rotating through the same breweries with a bunch of other couples that were exactly like Zach and me. He wouldn’t look twice at me if he saw me in my natural habitat – boring, quiet, steady Andi.
I will never be enough for someone like Hugh – so passionate and exciting and full of pure ambition. An even more terrifying thought crosses my mind.
Millie would be enough for Hugh. If Millie could overlook how much they disagree, they might even beperfectfor each other. I hate thinking about it, but the thought draws me in anyway. It’s like looking at a car accident. I can’t look away. Scenes unfold in my mind’s eye, playing out in slow motion.
Millie and Hugh meeting, bonding over hating people who use toxic sunscreen, charting a course to sail around the world, stopping in Sydney and Los Angeles, dropping anchor in Maine and Newfoundland. Never mind that Millie doesn’t even know how to sail, I can see it all.
‘Look, Millie,’ Hugh says, interrupting my thoughts. ‘I know I’ve gotten in the way of your . . . focus . . . but I genuinely do want you to have a fair shake at finding the wrasse.’
‘Since when do you care about giving me a fair shake?’ I tease. The boat rocks us closer together. He flips on his back. Absent-mindedly, I nestle back into the crook of his shoulder.
‘I could be giving you a fair shake right now, but someone said we shouldn’t.’
I cackle ‘Sounds like someone has good judgement,’ I reply, swatting at his bicep. ‘Really though . . .’
‘Well, it’ll be good for me to know when I publish that there was a recent expedition to find the wrasse, and it still hasn’t been found.’
Alarm bells go off in my head. ‘When you publish what?’
‘I have a paper coming out in February. I’m actually going to Boston in April to present it.’
The mention of Hugh coming to Boston makes my heart race with excitement. Boston is a two-hour flight from Columbus, which means in four months he will basically be in my backyard. I shake the thought out of my head and force myself to focus on the issue at hand. ‘And that relates to the wrasse how?’
‘It actually is about the extinction of the wrasse.’ Hugh at least has the decency to start to mumble.
‘You have written an entire paper on the extinction of the fish I’m all the way out here to find?’ My voice is rising. I forget that this fight is Millie’s fight – suddenly, I’m all in.
‘We have to keep publishing to get promoted,’ Hugh says by way of explanation. ‘You know that. Even ifwehave to pay to do it,’ he grumbles.
‘You have a promotion riding on this?’ I exclaim. I launch myself off the platform like it’s made of lava. ‘This is unbelievable.’
‘Woah, Millie. What is going on? You knew I didn’t believe the wrasse existed.’
‘I didn’t know you had a promotion depending on me not finding it!’ I retort. ‘No wonder you’re doing all of . . .’ I gesture at Hugh wildly with my hands. ‘All of this!’
‘All of what?’
‘Don’t act all innocent,’ I say, half-heartedly lowering my voice in case the crew can hear us from their mid-level bunk room. ‘You’ve been pulling the seduction act on me practically since we arrived! All that ridiculous teasing! Making the others think we’re flirting!’
