“How much did you overhear?” Colt wipes the edge of his face, but I can still see the streak of a tear. Fuck those people. Colt always appears so happy; I sometimes forget that he’s relatively new here. Not just to Cardinal Falls but also being away from the small-town gossip. And, at least in our small town, the narrow-minded folks. I’m thankful my parents moved away, giving me no reason to return. Unless I go back sometime with Colt. A little shiver goes through my body.
“Enough. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Like what? You want me to tell you that my family’s still hoping being gay is a phase I’m going through?”
“Yeah, pretty much.” I wrap him up in my arms. He stiffens but eventually sinks into me and buries his face.
“It’s not like they did anything. They never come out and say anything specifically. They just ignore it altogether.” His voice is muffled against my shirt, but I can still work out what he’s saying.
“Is that why you didn’t say anything in high school?” I pull back a bit to look at him. His eyes fill with tears. I wish I could strangle his whole family for putting him in this position.
“It’s part of it. I mean, I was pretty sure that I at least liked guys back then. It wasn’t until the day that you kissed me that Iknew. Even then, I thought it might just be you until a few years later.” My brain comes to a complete stop.
“Wait. What do you mean when I kissed you?” It’s been so long now, but I can still feel the butterflies that threatened to burst out of my stomach when I convinced myself to go for it.
“That kiss drove me crazy. I’d thought about kissing you way too often. I kept trying not to imagine it, but I couldn’t get the idea out of my mind.”
“I thought you didn’t like it. You told me you didn’t feel that way about me.” I swear my heart shattered into a million pieces when he asked if we could still be friends. Just friends.
“I lied. It’s the only time I’ve ever lied to you.” The tears fall from his eyes again.
“Hey, it’s okay. Let’s go sit down so we can talk.”
“We need to eat.” He stares back at the stove. I shake my head and turn off the burner. Food can wait. Or we can order something. I grab Colt’s hand and lead him to the couch. He trails behind me, somewhat unwillingly.
“Tell me,” I say, pulling him onto my lap. I need to be touching him right now. I need to feel his body against mine, reassuring me. He lays his head on my shoulder and takes a few long breaths. I can be patient while he works through his thoughts.
I’ve repeatedly played that kiss over in my mind, but this gives it a whole new lens. Did he like it? Did he like me? I’m trying to remember the whole thing, but the memory is fragmented and won’t come together the way I want.
“My family never hated you, but I don’t think they made it a secret that they didn’t love how close we were.” He takes my hand and squeezes it tight. “They always wanted me to have more church friends. Even as young kids, they thought yourparents didn’t have enough rules. Once people knew you were gay, I could also tell they hoped that different friends would be a better influence on me.” He flinches. “Their words.”
I nod and kiss his temple, hoping it’s enough to encourage him to keep going. Hell, I didn’t keep anything like this a secret. I got outed almost as soon as I knew I was gay, so I’d never been in the closet. When I told my parents, they hugged me and said they loved me no matter what. I was lucky. Colt had been holding on to a lot for years. It’s a shock that it didn’t boil over until now.
“Your parents were so supportive, but my parents wouldn’t have been.”
Anger fills my chest. Even at almost thirty, Colt still yearns for love and acceptance from his family. It’s unbelievable that they can’t see how incredible he is.
“I didn’t think they would’ve kicked me out, but I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t take the risk. Especially when you were moving away the next year to start college.” He sits up and uses a hand to move my face so I’m looking him in the eye. “It broke my heart to tell you we were better off as friends. Please don’t be mad.”
Fuck, did he think I would be mad about that? “Baby, I wasn’t mad then, and I’m not mad now.” I run my hand through his hair, and he leans into the touch.
“I did tell them, eventually. I waited until I was out of college and had a job, so if they didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, I’d be okay on my own. I was never as brave as you.”
“Look at me because this is important.” I wait until he meets my eye again. “Bravery has nothing to do with it. Your safety is always the most important thing. It was then, and it is now.”
“I haven’t told him that we’re dating. He knows we’re hanging out a lot, but?—”
I put my hand up to cut him off. “I wish you’d told me all this sooner so I could support you, but I do understand. Imight’ve been heartbroken when you rejected me, but I would’ve understood then, too.” I take my thumb to his cheek and brush away a tear. “You can tell your dad when and if you feel ready.”
“Heartbroken?” Figures that’s the part he picks up on. I don’t answer him. Instead, I pull him in for a firm hug. He presses his face into my neck and sits for a long time. After a few minutes, his breathing quickens, and he starts kissing my neck.
“You know what that does to me.”
He doesn’t answer but shifts around to straddle my lap. I tilt my head back expectantly.
“You don’t feel like I’m hiding you?”
“No. You aren’t asking me to hide from anything. They aren’t entitled to information about your life.”
