Levi catches me, steady and brief. I want to relish the spreading tingle of his hand on my skin, but it’s ruined by the claws of fear that lurch at the corners of my mind. Nauseous and woozy, but I’m not dragged under. Again. Why not? My breath shudders out.
Thank you.
I still don’t get it, and I love patterns. That’s probably why I’ve always liked math. While I was home and had some brain space, I sat down and charted my freakouts based on recent memories. Time was on the x-axis, severity of the trigger was y-axis, and severity of the reaction on the z-axis. I even plotted the 3D graph in MATLAB like an ultra-nerd. Blue for sound-based reactions and red for touch-based. I gleaned very little from my well-executed graph, and I couldn’t even show anyone. Well, I could have shown Mom, but I didn’t.
I proceed with the conversation in rebellion of the darkness still in my mind—and the helplessness to even understand it. “Any plans for another tattoo?”
Levi looks ahead, maybe to check whether anyone else could hear, maybe to consider whether to tell the truth.
Sophie is discussing her parents with Haymitch. At the front, Mia and Austin laugh about some story. Their fast pace separates them from the rest of us occasionally, and then they pause as we catch up.
“Just one.” Levi hesitates again. “If I get married someday, I want a tattoo as my ring.” His left hand stretches. Then, even quieter, “That isn’t permanent enough, but it’s the best I can do.”
I gulp.
He raises his brows, a smile growing on his lips. I know that look, and he’s not wrong.
I clear my throat, force out a “Good idea,” and run toward Mia’s curls ahead. She throws an arm over my shoulder with a ticked-up eyebrow but no questions. I cling to that simple, solid touch, wrapping my arm around her waist.
Austin slows to trade spots.
Sophie hums the somehow easily recognizableFresh Prince of Bel-Airtheme song behind me. She recently found “theBaby Will Smith Show,” as she calls it, and we’ve been watching it in our suite sometimes. I shift side to side to Sophie’s beat.
“Girl, you are finally lightening up.” Mia shakes me. “Let’s go!”
I send her a wry grin. Must be the delirium.
“Turn it up, Sophie!” Mia says.
Delighted, Sophie moves Haymitch’s hand to Austin’s shoulder and skips to the front with us, boys left in a line behind. She starts over and sings with gusto.
I find the courage to rap along with Sophie, even break out in silly hip-hop moves with my girls, all while working hard to ignore the assumption that Levi is watching from behind.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
“Spill. I’m so behind.”I curl up next to Sophie on the lounge sofa. “We’re always with other people, and I still haven’t heard about phase four.”
Classes are over for the day, and I can usually find her in here during the lull between classes and invitations to hang out. She’s stayed hush-hush about the Leo thing, and I’ve been concerned she’d get the wrong idea over text.
“Phase four was actually talking. Like, an entire conversation before break. It was a big leap.”
“And?”
“We talked about his shirt. It said ‘Where There’s a Will, Hey! There’s a Whale.’”
That Sophie-sized grin lifts my shoulders to my ears. I’m thrilled for her.
“It’s kind of an inside joke now. Oh, and for phase five I gave him my number.”
“Sophs! He was going to get there! In like phase twenty-six!”
We giggle.
“I was ready to skip ahead.”
“Did you text over break?”
“Totally. I let him text first usually. Unless I see a funny pun because I have to share those, obvs. He sends lots of whale emojis now. It’s hilarious.”
