“She’s never done anything like that before. Getting so close to me, touching my clothes, making that face.” Her lips on my ear. I suppress a shiver of pleasure. “Our texting had gotten flirty that day, but …” How to put it? “It wasn’t when we were alone in my room—she stopped in the middle of the hallway. She hates attention. I’m pretty sure she did it to help me and not, you know, because she wanted to.”
He grimaces. “Dude, yeah. That’s the one time you want a girlto be selfish.”
Interesting way to put it, but he gets it. “And worse, she felt the need to help because she was intuitive enough to see the weirdness on the floor. I didn’t need her to know about that.”
“The more she knows about you, the more she likes you, cares about you. That’s progressin’. When she sees some’n she wouldn’t pick, she’ll have to decide if she can live with it. But it sounds like she don’t hold this against you at all, that she likes you so much that she wanted to set the record straight. In that way, it’s hard to beat.”
She likes me so much that she wanted to set the record straight? Could that be true?
“You can’t hide all the ugly and expect a good relationship.”
I give him a look.
“I know, I know, you and Kit is a whole thing right now, but that’s temporary.”
Is it? I circle back to my earlier thoughts. “I don’t know if I’m up for this, Haymitch.”
“Count the cost. Bail now if ya ain’t down for the brutal part. Reminds me of what Jesus said about buildin’ a tower and all that.”
Count the cost. I don’t want to sacrifice my reputation, my place on the floor, my pride … not when there’s less than no guarantee.
“The hard part keeps on, ya know. Say you marry her? Lots more o’ that to come.”
“I’m just … I don’t have to put up with all of this.”
“’Cause Kit’s not your only option?”
I tip my head in acknowledgment.
“Victoria and whoever else?”
I tip my head again.
“You’d never so much as taken a girl to coffee since you showed up here. The reasons you had still apply, am I right?”
A sigh escapes without my permission, giving me away. He’s right. I’ve continually thought Kit’s the only girl I can trustcompletely, the only one worth the risk. But I’m not thinking of getting serious with those other girls. Nothing close.
“It’s still an option, dude. You can go nuts and date all the girls. You’ll break a lot o’ hearts and have to live with that, might even learn to hate yourself for it, but it is an option. Those other girls may be easy—in all the ways, even, whew?—”
I cringe. He does not mean that as a good thing.
“But they won’t be like the one you picked outta the crowd, and you might just lose your chance at what you really want.”
His words linger in the air, and I lean forward to rest my arms on my knees. I could never lead Kit to believe I’ve moved on because of the physical stuff. She’s worth so much more than that. And, fine, a fling is a bad idea. But do I really go on like nothing has changed? I could pull back and give her a taste of her own medicine? Couldn’t hurt my chances. There was no wiggle room in her “impossible.”
No.
I might give up on Kit, but I won’t hurt her.
I’ve tried everything I can think of. I can’t convince her to give me a real chance. What do I do?
My head rolls back. “It’s not my job to convince her, is it? If this is what God has for me, he’ll do that part.”
The floor stuff sucks too though. I hate it.
“My reputation isn’t my job either. It’s time to let it go, to be tenacious. That’s who I want to be.”
Haymitch relaxes against the pew like his work is done. “You got a lot o’ guts, dude, uprootin’ your life, startin’ fresh. Speakin’ o’ brutal, ’member your first couple months at school when Storm and those guys put you on blast? They advertised the life you ran away from on the back o’ your shirt, but you stuck with it. And you’ve been tenacious, as you say, this year too, givin’ Kit three long months to mull it over. I know that feels like a real long time around here. Prolly felt like three years. So talk to Jesus. Find out if you’re s’posed to use that savage will o’ yours to keep waitin’ this girl out.”
