He continues with me all the way to the lab building, but Iremain stubbornly silent. I can’t tell him. I can’t. Handing back my books, he tries to catch my gaze. Finally, he nods curtly and spins back the way we came.
I track his hunched leather jacket before dragging my feet to class. Have you ever been in a room where every last person hates your guts? That’s how my body feels. My ears and eyes and skin and hands and lips and gut and heart—they all hate me.
I wish I had said yes. I wish I had blurted out a laundry list of every beautiful thing I see in and on him. But I couldn’t. It would have been selfish, confusing. I tried to be honest, at least to the extent I could. I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t know how not to hurt him.
My eyes fill. I pray with a sigh that shakes as I release it.
I am your comfort and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Very present.
I plod down the hall, set up my experiment in a zombie state, sit obediently on my stool. The professor starts talking, but I don’t hear any of it. I’m just here for my attendance record.
I’m trying to stop convincing people that I deserve their love, but I don’t have the courage to be fair to Levi. So which is it? Stop trying to deserve kindness or stop leading him on?
I press hands to my face.
I want to lean into the joy of Levi’s words today, the affection in his eyes. Despite everything, he wants to be withme.He’s better than a dream, the best guy I’ve ever known, growing-old-and-wrinkly-together material. But I can’t be that for him. I can’t even give him a hug when he has a hard day.
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
Two days later,I make my way from chapel to the library. A universally beloved former football star appears next to me, shuffling down the sidewalk.
“Hi, Austin.”
“Hey, Kit.” He scratches the back of his neck.
“What’s wrong?”
He jerks up. “Ah—nothing. I just … I wanna make sure you’re doing right by Jeeves.” His voice has a rare earnest quality. “You know, not messing with his head.”
I deserve that. My hands tighten into a ball, mirroring my squeezing conscience. Samwise is just looking out for his Frodo. I’ve thought so many times that they have something worth imitating.
“He doesn’t know I’m here,” he says. “He’d murder me in my sleep for this, but he’s my buddy, you know.”
“I don’t mean to be messing with hishead,” I say. “I’ve tried to be super clear that I can only be his friend. I guess he can tell that Ireallylike him.” I wince. Too much emphasis.
“If you don’t date, that’s cool,” he says, “but he needs to hear that.”
I hesitate. Austin’s warm, reassuring presence pulls the truth even closer to the surface. I force it down.
“’Kay … He’s a really good guy, Kit. Gives player vibes, but he’s not like that. He’d treat you right.”
“I know.” My eyes threaten tears. I try to squash down the emotion, but it’s full in there—like sitting on a suitcase to get it zipped.
“His faith is rock solid,” he says.
“Yeah. He’s amazing.” It’s terrible.
“Amazing,” he repeats.
I expect he’ll cave and tell Levi all of this. At least I’ve already said that to Levi myself.
“Well, uh, mind if I ask why you won’t date the guy? You obviously have the hots for him.”
Yikes. Expressiveness strikes again. “It’s … complicated.”
Austin groans, exasperated.
