Guilt glues my lips shut.
“See you tonight,” he says.
The moment we’re dismissed, I’m the first one out of class and running next door. I can’t not. Like a complete creep, I step behind a tall bush in the landscaping, my nerves going haywire. Austin emerges with Levi and whacks him on the arm as they part ways.
And then she appears. Perfect brown curls bounce down her back as she jogs to catch up with Levi. Flawless olive skin and natural lashes that could star in a mascara commercial. A fitted jumpsuit shows off her gorgeous figure. She’s perfect—like if Esther walked out of the pages of the Bible. The first time I saw her badging in at Davidson Hall I did a double take myself. Now I know her name. Ada.
She tugs on Levi’s hand to stop him and drops her books on the grass without a glance—bold move. And then she slides her hands up his chest.
My whole body tenses. My jaw clenches so hard my teeth might shatter.Get your hands off him.
I can’t hear what she says, but her eyes are all desire and playfulness. He shakes his head and drags himself away. No wonder Austin used the wordtorture. Ada seems undeterred. She waves and calls something after him as he walks toward Albert Hall.
I watch him with a hand covering my mouth. I can’t believe who Levi is rejecting in my favor. A gorgeous girl all over him—and so persistent. It would be easy with Ada. Not complicated, not frustrating, not unworkable.
Last week I stood so close to him, touched his hand. It felt so intimate to me. But he has a girl closer than that three times a week. Humiliating. How could I be so stupid?
At a standstill with my mind in overdrive, I slog a few steps to park on the nearest bench. I’m intolerably jealous of Ada’s hands on him, but I channel all my concentration—I can’t blame her. Iknow how likable Levi is. She and I have that in common. And I don’t have any claim on him.
I don’t want to hate her. That’s not who I want to be.
Help me think clearly, to see things the way you do.
As a loop of that moment plays in my head, what stands out isn’t Ada’s hands on him, but Levi stepping back and walking away. He’s opting for a slim possibility with me, rejected multiple times over, in favor of certainty with her. Someone straightforward, uninhibited, assertive, more beautiful. I know, I hate when other girls compare themselves like that, but I can’t unthink it. And it’s a bizarre and tremendous relief that I’m convinced of her superiority. It means Levi’s been choosing me forme.
I swipe happy tears from my cheeks. How I look isn’t interfering like I feared. That doesn’t measure my worth—not to Levi. He’s so good, so disciplined, so focused to decline such an offer, and repeatedly. Affection for him bursts and sparks inside of me like bubbling lava. For the first time, that whisper of paranoia on my shoulder is quiet.
My parents flash to mind. Mom’s beauty didn’t keep her from finding the perfect guy or building a beautiful life. They’ve always said their relationship was God’s gift—of course it is. I’ve been trying to play God, trying to control everything myself. I thought beauty could only be a curse because I didn’t trust him to intervene, to provide like he did for them. But Dad loved Mom for who she is. He still does.
I’m sorry. You’ve given me everything I’ve needed my whole life, but I didn’t trust you with this. It doesn’t matter how I look. You’re the one who would provide just the right partner, the right person to grow old with. You’re the only one who can control anything.
I pull my legs up on the bench.
So now what? I can’t keep confusing Levi. You haven’t taken my freakouts or even my nightmares away. I’m still as broken as when I came here.
I can’t go out to celebrate with him whenhe finishes a coding project. I can’t squeeze his hand when he needs some encouragement. I can’t even give him a high five after a football game.
Levi proved himself to be everything I want in a guy, but I can’t be the best girl for him.
I bowed out of Sophie and Austin’s plan tonight. I have to think. Something has to change. Ever since I left the scene of Ada’s not-crime, I’ve been ruminating.
I could take Levi up on his offer to be with me without all the facts. But the daydream requires so much creativity. There could be no lifting and twirling. No kissing or hugging or holding. But I could bring him something. A present. A letter. Or … I don’t know, something worthy of him. I could tell him how amazing he is and how I want every minute I can have with him. I could tell him I’ll take whatever he’s willing to give and I’ll give whatever I can. I want that desperately. I could soak in our talks and our closeness and those eyes on mine. He could comfort me through this awfulness, even if he doesn’t know its cause.
Or.
I could let him go.
I could cut the thread tethering us, let him find something fulfilling. Something good and sweet and complete. Someone who can be for him what I can’t. I swallow thickly.
Ding. It’s him.
Sorry about Austin. He means well.
He tattled on himself?
He did.
He’s a good friend.
