“Are you open to continue discussing,” he asks formally, “or would you prefer to complete our conversation here?” Before I can reply, “I ask because I’d like to share another piece of information—unrelated to my family. It isn’t fair for me to have kept it to myself when I insisted you share your own.”
I bob my head.
“I was … serious with a girl in high school. It took me too long to realize that she was only with me for my family’s reputation, our opportunities. I was raised to be on my guard for that kind of thing, but”—he shrugs a shoulder—“it felt real. That was almost three years ago. Maybe it seems small, but it’s … embarrassing to me. Mortifying.”
She was only with him for his family’s reputation? I flash back to the first time I saw Levi. He seemed so invulnerable, so strong. I remember assuming he was someone who would make a trophy out of a girl, never that someone had once made a trophy out of him. I’ve been too caught up in my own story to see him clearly. I know too well what it’s like to be used, tricked.
I send him a gentle glance. “So you swore off girls.” Shared secrets have always drawn us close, but that’s not what this is for. I’m here to maintain the separation but more peacefully. I was right to be afraid of losing my resolve. I shove my hands into my pockets, pull them out, rub the back of my neck.
Help.
“Until you,” he says. “I never knew who I could trust, and dating leaves both people a mess.”
“No kidding.” I mean to lighten the mood, but the words fall heavy between us.
He opens Arma Chapel’s creaky door for me and flicks on a light. It’s cold but peacefully empty inside. So much for a sanctuary. My favorite building on campus might be ruined for me after today. He positions two cushioned chairs to face each other behind the pews, angles his backpack against his chair, and motions for me to sit in the other. “God used the thing with Genevieve. In the aftermath I started searching for something else.That’s when I found Jesus. I moved here and eventually met you.” That light flickers in his eyes. “It’s wicked frustrating that you won’t tell me what’s going on, especially after I’ve been so vulnerable with you, but I deeply regret that I ended things the way I did, and so suddenly. I didn’t give you any time to rethink or explain. I care about you too much to let you go over one mistake. Will you forgive me?”
The lock around my heart loosens another notch as he humbles himself to ask for forgiveness. Again. That’s a relationship green light if I’ve ever seen one. But it doesn’t matter. And this is only making moving on harder.
He squeezes his Tic Tac box, and a rush of affection crashes over me.
“I can’t believe that girl,” I blurt. It makes no sense. How could someone not like Levi for everything he is? I rub my eyes. Focus. “Yes, I forgive you. But as for your dad, it’s safe to say you have no idea what was going through my head on Thursday night. But how could you?” Panic wells in my stomach. I can’t. I can’t do it.
For everything there is a season … a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
I sit cross-leggedon the chair like a kid, gripping my hands as I gather the courage to obey. I’ve already lost nearly all of my self-preservation. I already put my lips on his ear, rode in his front seat, touched his hand, very nearly kissed him. My rules of protection have been evaporating one by one. But maintaining my secret—my dignity—is my most important protection for myself. Can I really let it go? I squeeze my eyes shut.
I can be brave because I trust you. My mind is dependent on you. I’ll do what you say.
Something whispers that maybe Levi will understand. Maybe his experiences will sway his response.
I cover my face but force my hands down. “It’s time I tell my secret too.”
Surprise and curiosity leap to his eyes.
“I haven’t talked to anyone but my mom … and one other person … about this.”
He nods once.
Okay, give me the courage. Give me the words.
“When I learned that your family’s reputation would suffer if your dad’s experiences came to light, it was clear that I’d always be a liability.”
“A liability?”
I fill in the gaps for him about my change in appearance, Aiden’s sudden interest in me, and my relationship with him. Levi watches me carefully, resting his forearms on his knees. I try to speak in a quiet, businesslike voice, but his look of compassion makes my voice wobbly. When I started I just wanted to spit it out, but the act of sharing is a salve for my wounds. His expression shifts subtly, his eyes revealing more than his still posture—care morphs to grave concern, then flashes of anger as I tell about Aiden’s disinterest in my boundaries, and then about prom night. My nerves somehow calm with every sentence. I wrap up my story to explain that my brain is stuck on that night, that it haunts me still in nightmares and flashbacks.
All those words hovering in the air, my nails dig into my palms as I await the fallout. I’m nauseous with dread.
“That—” He stops, his eyes flaring with raw anger. The Tic Tac box creaks under the pressure of his fist. “I could just—” His jaw locks tight, the muscles flexing as if he’s barely holding back.
My hands tremble, and I press them against my stomach.
“I wish I could have protected you. I wish I could make him pay,” he spits. He drags a hand behind his neck and shuts his eyes. Deflating, he says, “Kit, you deserve so much better.”
My mouth falls open. He’s angryforme. A heavy, shaky sigh releases, and the lock on my heart mutinously melts off. The burden I’ve been carrying is now shared. He understands my brokenness—the brokenness I don’t even deserve to have—and he doesn’t hate me for it.
