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He inhaled sharply behind me, enough that his chest pressed harder to my back. Another spark shot through my body. My fingers traced back up along behind his ear at his scalp.
His head lowered, and he exhaled against my neck. His nose traced against the crook by my shoulder. “Sang ...”
“Kota,” I whispered, helpless and drowning.
He released my hip, his fingers trailing across toward my stomach, gripping lightly below my belly button.
His touch drew me back until my butt met his groin. He froze there, his body warming mine. His fingertips keeping me in place.
What were we doing? He’d never held me like that before. Memories of the almost-kiss from his car, and his nose nuzzling me at the football game returned. I wanted to say it felt wrong to do this, but I couldn’t, because I didn’t feel wrong at all. My heart ached thinking that Nathan could come in and spot us at any time, about North who admitted he wanted me for himself, and Silas saying he’d like me to be his girlfriend, not to mention the others.
The guilty thoughts slipped away as his nose traced up along my neck, stopping right behind my ear. “I can’t ... I’m not supposed to ...”
My eyes widened, staring off at the opposite wall. Did he think the same things? In my surprise, my fingers shifted down behind his ears. “Supposed to what?” I whispered.
His lips traced the back of my ear. “I can’t stop thinking about you,” he breathed. “I’m not supposed to go this fast. Every time I’m around you I want to touch you and I shouldn’t. I don't want to scare you, Sang.”
My mind went blank, but the words slipped out and I didn’t know what I was saying until they were out. “I’m not scared.” Total lie. I had no idea what was happening. At the same time, my fingers massaged at his scalp, in what almost felt like a caress. I was afraid to move, afraid to put my arms down. I didn’t want to break the moment.
He sucked in another breath, clutched me once more and stepped back, wrenching himself away. When I turned, he was facing the opposite wall, fists clenched and stuffed against his thighs. His shoulders rose and fell with his heavy breathing.
I wasn’t sure what to do. Was I wrong? My body trembled at his words and the warmth I still felt when he was holding me. Why was this so complicated? How had he become my friend and in the next moment I was feeling things I was positive I shouldn’t be feeling. Was he fighting the same thing?
My mind was plagued with the guilt of six other boys who also made me feel the same way. Every time I got close to any of them, it felt like quicksand swallowing me up with the heaviness of guilt I felt for wanting to do these things with them and not wanting to let go of any of them. And I could never tell them. It wasn’t normal. They wouldn’t understand.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
He spun around, his green eyes flashing from under his glasses. The look had my knees buckling slightly and I took a step back to reclaim my balance.
He stepped forward, closing the space between us. He cupped my cheeks in his hands
He brought his nose over mine, and he rubbed. He slid it back and forth. He broke away, still cupping my face.
“You’re not sorry,” he said.
My mouth fell open. Of course I was! Or wasn’t I? Maybe he was right. I couldn’t deny that even now I was thinking of what his kiss felt like, yearning to try it out, silently pleaded that he would. I felt guilty, but I still felt helpless to stop the feelings bubbling inside of me. I pressed them down, trying to smother them, but they were still there, waiting to be explored.
Nathan’s voice drifted to us as he spoke on the phone, cutting through the silence that fell between us. Nathan was cursing, practically yelling.
Kota sighed, looking pained and released me. “Hang on. Stay right here,” he said, and he crossed the floor to the door of the shed, jumping out and half jogging to Nathan.
I froze to the spot, obeying his command.
BANANAS
When Nathan got off the phone, they spent time with me teaching me how to flip someone over. It was amusing to me to flip Nathan and Kota over at different intervals. I couldn’t imagine doing it to anyone in real life but knowing I could left me feeling a little more confident about future school fights, if there were any.
A couple of hours later, I’d washed again and put on a fresh blouse and skirt. They dressed in jeans and button up collar shirts. Kota’s was white with pale blue stripes and buttoned formally, and Nathan’s a solid deep red color, all of the buttons undone to reveal the white T-shirt underneath.
Kota said the lunch crowd at the diner should have thinned out. Nathan locked up the house and we cut through Nathan’s backyard, to the woods behind the house. Kota held open the gate and we found a path that led toward the diner.
“I still can’t believe they got it started so quickly,” I said, walking between Kota and Nathan through the woods.
“If they took a long time, it’s a waste of money,” Kota said. “The longer you put it off, there’s no customers to bring in an income. Uncle knows what he’s doing.”
I sputtered. “Uncle?”
“Mr. Taylor. We all call him Uncle. It’s what he wants to be called.”
“What’s he like?”
Nathan laughed. “Eccentric is probably the kindest term to use.”
Kota rolled his eyes, nudging at the bridge of his glasses with a forefinger. “He’s not that bad.”
“Uh huh,” Nathan said, kicking a rock from the path. “He’s not bad. He’s just crazy.”
When we got to the end of the path and the diner loomed in front of us, I fell behind Kota and Nathan. The old church building had been repainted in a rich deep blue and the doors and trim were painted a fresh white. The scraggly dead trees were replaced by rows of exquisite rose bushes. The parking lot’s gravel was smoothed out a little, and there were about a dozen cars parked. I recognized North’s Jeep and wondered if Luke drove it into work today.
A red neon sign hovered over the front above the door: Bob’s Diner.
“Is his name Bob?” I asked.
“No,” Nathan said.
“Then why ...”
“Easy to remember, or that’s what he said. It’s best not to ask,” Nathan said, grinning. He reached back, taking my hand and pulled me along. “Come on.”
Kota held open the door and Nathan let go of my hand. I stepped inside. There was an arrow pointing to the left, directing to the dining room. The wall itself had a mural depicting various diner styles blending into each other. There was a scene set up like a 50s diner, and it was followed by one from the 60s and 70s, on up to one that looked a little more modern, with people sitting at booths or on stools near a counter. There were depictions of food being served and happy faces.
Nathan smirked. “Gabriel went all out, didn’t he?”
My mouth popped open, motioning to the walls. “He did this?”
“He designed it,” Kota said, coming up to stand behind me, gazing at the wall. “I think he had a little help setting it up.”
I couldn’t imagine when he found the time. It felt like he was always around me and it was impossible that he could have done this. Then when I thought about it, I realized for the past week, the only place I’d seen him was at school. It struck me again at how they never seemed to slow down. Always moving forward.
There was another set of double doors near the end of the hallway on the right. Nathan got to it this time, holding it open and allowing Kota and I to pass through before following.
The inside of the old chapel, or what I remembered of it, was impossible to depict now. More of the mural hung around the walls of what used to be the chapel. There were carved wood booths along the walls. A half wall cut through the center, allowing for more booth tables and splitting the room up so it didn’t feel quite as overwhelming. Tables were lined up between the rows of booths.
Each table held a single glass vase with a rose. The room smelled like the mixture of spices and sweetness of the food, but
there was an underlying rose scent in the air as well.
The stage was nearly empty except for a jukebox, currently playing something by Elvis but I couldn’t remember the name of the song. There were a couple of occupied tables but otherwise it was quiet.
A counter ran through the far side of the room, with a set of doors behind it that I knew led to another hallway and the kitchen. At the register was Luke, wearing a white button up shirt, the sleeves rolled up his forearms. His hair was twisted up and in a clip I was positive was mine. He was focused on pushing buttons on the register for the customer standing in front of him.
Kota and Nathan were checking out the continued mural along the wall. I zeroed in on Luke. It felt like a lifetime since the last time I saw him. It was only yesterday at school. It felt longer, still, since he’d kissed my fingers in the attic.
Watching him work without him knowing I was there, it was like peeking into his life. His smile was still as handsome as ever, and his mussed blond locks shifted with a slight breeze from the overhead fans. His strong hands snapped a stapler to piece together receipts, and he passed back a credit card he’d just swiped. His dark eyes sparked as something caught his attention and his gaze fell on me.
I smiled quietly back, unsure what to do and how to approach. I knew him. I knew Luke. This was different, a new place and there were other people around, complete strangers.
Would you be offended if I told you I didn’t want you to come to the diner?
Would he be mad I was here? A finger flitted up to hover over my lower lip and I waited. Would he tell me to leave?
His smile brightened and his dark eyes lit up. “Sang?”
