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Muffled voices seeped down to us. There was pressure above our bodies, and I wasn’t sure if we were sinking further or if it was the guys on top of us and looking.
Micah coughed, convulsing his whole body. We started sinking again.
“I’m going to get him on top of us,” Derrick said. His voice was muffled now, and I imagined he had stuffed the cloth into his face. “I’m going to push him up so they get to him. This will probably cave in. Hang on to my leg. Don’t let go.”
“Okay.” I felt my way down Derrick’s body, embarrassed to think of certain parts I might have accidentally felt.
I wrapped an arm around his thigh, clinging to his jean cut offs, shoving the cloth into my face. With my knuckles protruding out from my face, it created my own little air pocket. Some sawdust still shifted in around my mouth but it was better than practically eating it.
Derrick shifted. Micah was pulled away. The harder Derrick pushed Micah higher up above him, the heavier the dust around us settled, weighing us down. I wasn’t sure if we were sinking further because of it.
I clung to Derrick’s leg in the dark. I hoped. I pleaded. I screamed in my head. I felt tears in my eyes. I didn’t want that because the sawdust stuck to my eyes and I had to squeeze them shut to keep it out.
All I could think of was how I didn’t want to die. North was wrong. I wasn’t self-destructive. I wanted very much to live. I couldn’t imagine dying in this nasty, itchy place. Their faces flashed through my mind. I wanted to be back with them. They were everything I wanted. In that moment, I knew. I had depended on them so much. I depended on them now. I should have never kept this a secret. I should have trusted them with everything. They were out there, I knew. I couldn’t feel them. I couldn’t see them. I could barely make out their muffled shouts above my head as sawdust filled in my ears. I simply knew they were there. The Academy was always there.
I wanted them. I wanted Kota and Nathan and Silas and Gabriel and Luke and Victor and North and Mr. Blackbourne and Dr. Green. How horrible it would be if they spent all this effort in keeping me safe and I ended up dying right here.
I would try harder, I promised myself. I would work every day. I would never complain. I would never think of wanting a day off. I never truly wanted one, anyway. It didn’t matter to me. What mattered was that the guys were around. If we worked at the diner, if we were coordinating things at the high school, I would follow. I knew then that if they were in the Academy, that’s where I wanted to be, too. If I could only get in, I would no longer be sitting on the sidelines wondering where they were and unable to go with them.
I would finally feel like I was part of their family. In the real way. In the way Kota had promised me and I had yet to feel completely attuned to. The Academy was the answer. Despite Kota’s warnings, and Mr. Blackbourne’s grim report that it was almost impossible, I knew it was my only answer. Without the Academy, I could never really be a part of them because it was the part of them that they could never trust me with. Family meant trust. I had to earn it.
If I survived, I would do whatever it took.
Derrick started shifting above me. His leg moved up. He was either pulling himself up or getting pulled.
I clutched at Derrick’s thigh. I pushed my face against it as I readjusted the cloth over my mouth.
Only as Derrick was getting pulled, when I clutched at him to hang on, he shifted down again further.
He shifted up again.
I clutched to him.
He shifted down further.
I was weighing him down.
I whimpered against the cloth in my face. As hot as my face was, my feet felt like they were scalding. The further we sank, it was burning more. It was too much to bear.
And if I held on to Derrick, he’d never get out. We were falling together.
I swallowed, feeling a couple of bits of sawdust against my itchy throat. I knew what I had to do and I didn’t want to do it. His leg was all I had right now.
And if I didn’t let go, we’d sink further into this and drown together.
I released him.
SANG UNLEASHED
I could only release a little, backing away. I felt him slipping further up, although the shorts remained behind, his legs started moving up again.
Derrick tensed hard, shifting his knee, almost kicking me. He stopped. I didn’t understand what he was doing.
I thought maybe he was stuck, so I felt around, reaching for his knee. He tensed again, and he started moving up.
This time, since I didn’t have a good grip, I simply followed him with my hand, feeling at his calf. He was being pulled up.
The weight of the sawdust, though was growing heavy around me. Heavier than before. Derrick must have still been holding up a good portion of the dust.
He was still rising though. I followed with my hand, trying to straighten my body. If he got pulled out, I would be found next.
He drifted further up, my hand slipped down to right above his ankle.
He stopped. I squeezed. I’m fine. Just go.
He was pulled up again, this time I held on to his ankle, trying to use his momentum to get myself to move further up.
I tried a swimming motion Nathan taught me, only it wasn’t working. The more I tried to push myself up, the dust tightened in around me.
The best I could do was drift a hand up as Derrick started getting pulled up again.
When Derrick was no longer moving, I pushed up. Go.
He shifted.
Go, I pleaded silently through my fingers. I squeezed again.
He shifted up, this time so quickly that his foot slipped away from my grasp. I clutched at sawdust.
But I wasn’t sinking and neither was Derrick.
There was shifting above my head. I had no idea how far I was into the sawdust. The cloth around my face was suffocating but I felt the weight of the dust around it. I wanted to draw my hand in to help cup my face better and to readjust the cloth, maybe readjust and get a new air pocket.
Only I couldn’t move my hand above my head. It was like I knew if I drew back, it would be even harder for them to find me. I also might lose track of which way was up. It was hard to tell now without Derrick being there, so I remained as still as possible.
The waiting was so long.
The heat bore into me, reminding me too much of scalding water on my face.
I coughed, unable to hold it back any more. The sawdust in my mouth reminded me of how scratchy my throat was after swallowing lemon and vinegar.
I bit my tongue. I couldn’t pass out. Not now. Not like in the rain. Not like when I tried to take a shower. If I did it now, they’d never find me. I’d die. I couldn’t die. I would never die on them. Never.
The weight above me shifted again, and so did the sawdust around the hand above my head. Something brushed at my fingertips.
A hand dug in around mine, gripping at my palm.
A thumb traced over the back of my hand.
Victor! I sobbed against the cloth at my face but forced myself to suck in the one that wanted to follow it. Victor! How embarrassing I was thinking the other day that I barely knew them. One touch and it was all it took. I knew what he felt like. I could now recall his berry, moss fragrance and the way his fire eyes lit up when I slipped into the seat behind him in class.
I clutched back. I’m here.
The hand held on, not letting go. Another pair of hands, bigger ones, Silas hands, felt down along my arm, trying to pull me up.
The weight shifted again around me though. I wasn’t coming up, they were yanking my arm but I wasn’t moving. The weight of the
dust was holding my body down.
I was pulled again. Pain radiated through my shoulder. They were going to pull my arm out. I clawed at Victor’s hand to warn them.
They stopped short, as if realizing this. The sawdust shifted around me, lightening but it wasn’t enough. I imagined they were trying to scoop out the sawdust but with them shifting above me, I felt my body being weighted down.
They stopped again. I could almost hear their brains calculating together on their next move.
I coughed again. It was too hard to breathe. The heat was too much and my lungs were starting to hurt. The oxygen wasn’t enough.
I was drowning.
I swallowed. They didn’t have time to think for me anymore. I had to do it myself. I had to help. They couldn’t rescue me without me helping, too.
I let go of the cloth at my face, closing my mouth and trying to relax like I’d done in Nathan’s pool. I could hold my breath for a good minute, I knew. Every second counted.
With my hand now free, I cupped at the wood dust around me. I threaded my hand up, along my arm. It was slow. Sawdust crept into the edges of my mouth. I wanted to spit but if I opened my mouth, I knew all I would get would be dust, not air.
I pushed harder. I pulled on Victor’s hand.
He clasped mine, nearly too hard. He seemed to sense what I was doing. Hang on to me. I’ll pull myself up. And so he was. He’d hold on as long as I needed.
I fought against the onslaught of shifting sawdust, worried that I might be pulling him in. He didn’t seem to move though.
My fingers broke up around my arm, finding one of Silas’s hands. Another hand dropped down next to it, finding my elbow. I recognized Nathan’s calloused fingers. I would have done anything to have popped those into my mouth in that moment.
He gripped at my arm. His other hand found my forearm and he held on. Now they had a better grip of me.
