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“What is the point?”
I parted my lips, wanting to tell him how unusual it was. He didn’t trust me to tell him things. I stopped short, closing my lips. Didn’t I just prove to them that I couldn’t? I didn’t tell them about a signal. It seemed so small before. I didn’t imagine what kind of emergency could happen that just I could solve. I had romanticized my own abilities. I wondered why I kept it a secret at all. “I don’t know what I’m doing any more,” I finally said.
Kota flinched, a pained expression contorting his face. “Sweetheart, don’t say that.”
I sniffed, unable to stop myself from pouting. “I don’t know where I belong. Things happen, like the phone being turned off, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to react to it. I get told to not worry about McCoy but all I can think about at school is if maybe he’s around the corner.”
Kota sat up sharply. He pressed a palm to my cheek. “I said you don’t have to worry about that.”
“But you won’t tell me why.”
His eyes darkened. “I can’t tell you why.”
I nodded, glancing down. “I know I promised not to ask about Academy things. Not knowing is harder. If I don’t know where he is, I don’t know how to relax.”
“Trust us,” he breathed through his teeth. “Sang, you have to learn. Can’t you believe me?”
“Like you trust me?” I asked. My eyes lifted, slow, until I was gazing back into his green eyes. “With a recording device in my phone? With cameras in my house?”
“That’s not about trust. That’s about protecting you.”
“There’s no one left to protect me from,” I said. “My parents are gone.”
“One day they might come back. And your phone isn’t to listen in on you. It’s to help us find where you are if someone, like McCoy, takes your phone. It’s for anyone who might get to you without us being there.”
I bit my lip. “It just feels like I’m moving along with you and the others without understanding at all. I go where I’m told, do what I’m asked. I’m doing things with your group, but I’m not part of it.”
“You are with us,” Kota said. He leaned over, his face hovering inches from mine. “Sang, you’re part of us. I know it takes time ...”
“How can I feel part of this if you can’t trust me enough to tell me things. Like where McCoy is? And that you can listen to me on my phone?”
His lips moved as if he wanted to say something, but the words weren’t forming. His eyes slid around mine, from one to the other, before lowering slowly until he was gazing at my mouth. His fingertips slipped across my cheek, and he tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. “It’s time. It’s all I can say. Trust is time. Maybe we are working on it with you, but you’ve got to tell us things, too. Like secret emergency signals.”
“I couldn’t,” I said. “I swore to them I wouldn’t.”
“Are you with us or them?” he asked.
I flinched, backing my head away. “What?”
He collected my hands, holding them between us. “Sang, we’re a family. This is a choice. Derrick had the opportunity to join us but he wanted out. He didn’t want this. I know this might be confusing, but this is different. We’re different. Do you want to be with us?”
“Of course. Yes. I do.”
His hands squeezed mine. “You’ll see, Sang. Trust me. Trust us. What you’re wanting to feel, it’ll happen. But you have to decide where your loyalties are. If you’re with us, you have to be there all the time.”
I swallowed. “I was trying to keep their secret. I thought they wanted to be friends.”
“I respect that. I understand why you did it. It’s okay to have other friends, but because of who we are, because of what we do, we have to keep ourselves apart. We can be friendly. We can play basketball with Derrick or hang out with who we want. What we can’t do is keep secrets from each other.”
My fingers twitched as I wanted to move them to my mouth but I couldn’t because he was holding on too tightly. “But you keep secrets from me.”
He frowned. “I know.” He sighed, backing away. He let go of my hands, dropping his into his lap.
I clasped my hands together, drawing them to my chest. “Maybe ... maybe I should join.”
His eyes went wide. “What?”
“The Academy. Maybe I should sign up for that. Or apply. Or interview. However you do it.”
He shook his head. “You can’t, Sang.”
“Why?”
“I don’t think you should.”
I swallowed, unsure how to take this. He seemed so sure of his decision. “Shouldn’t I decide that?”
His lips parted, but closed again quickly. He frowned and his eyes did that calculating thing they did. “Sang, you don’t know what you’re asking.”
“You joined. Why can’t I?”
“It’s complicated.”
I settled further into the bean bag chair, drawing my legs from his lap to tuck into myself. “Is it because you couldn’t keep a girlfriend if I joined?”
He blinked at me. His hand slipped over until his fingers wrapped around my forearm. “What are you talking about?”
“Mr. Blackbourne said if a girl joins an all boy group, it means it makes it harder for the team to keep girlfriends because you have to spend so much time with the girl in the group and you can’t explain what you’re doing or why.”
Kota’s face tinted. “Sang, that’s not the reason I said I didn’t want you to join.”
“I don’t understand.”
He squeezed my forearm. His fingers slipped down, collecting my palm. “I don’t want you to join because it’s dangerous. Especially our group. Like the school fights. And dealing with McCoy.”
“I do that now.”
“You don’t have to,” he said. He squeezed my hand. “I don’t want you to. The school is just what we’re doing right now. W
e’ve got other assignments, and when we’re done at Ashley Waters, we’ll have another job.”
“Another school?”
His smile returned. “Probably not. I think one year is enough.”
I bit my lip. His words iced me. “Then next year I’ll be alone.”
He stiffened next to me. His hand grasped mine tighter. “What are you talking about? You won’t be alone.”
“But I will,” I said. “I’ll be at Ashley Waters. You’ll be gone and so will the others.”
“But there’s time in the evening after school. And weekends.”
“You mean when people are working at the diner? Or busy with Academy jobs?”
His lips pursed. “I’m right next door. I’m right up the road.”
“Sometimes,” I said. “That’s what I mean though, Kota. You keep saying I’m with you guys.”
“You are, though.”
“Not fully. Not until I join the Academy.”
Kota frowned. “You can’t join, Sang.”
I let go of him to prop myself up on my elbow. “I know it’s dangerous but Mr. Blackbourne was saying there was a chance. A small one. If he thinks I could, doesn’t that say something? I can keep up. Victor and Nathan said ...”
He sighed, falling onto his back, gazing up at the metal rose sconces above our heads.. “You can’t join.”
I dropped a hand on his chest. I hovered over him. “Why do you keep saying that? Why not?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“Who can?”
His eyes narrowed at me. “What makes you think anyone else can?”
“Mr. Blackbourne talks to me.” My eyes widened with realization. “Is that it? You can’t tell me? Because you’re not allowed?”
“No, Sang. That’s not it.”
“Why? Besides it being dangerous. I mean if it’s because of the girlfriend thing ... I don’t know. Mr. Blackbourne said something about figuring that part out.”
Kota released a heavy breath. “That’s not what I’m talking about at all.”
I scrambled up onto my knees, half swaying. My tiredness was getting to me, but I was too enthralled now. “Why not?” I asked, my hands out and open. “You want me with your group. If I can get in, I’ll finally know what’s going on. When I do, maybe I won’t feel so ... I don’t know. I want to feel like you said, that I’m part of this. I don’t know if I can if I don’t know all these secrets. I want to help. I want to be part of this family thing you keep talking about but how can I if I don’t know—”
