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There was an eruption of giggles as the girls painted each other’s T-shirts. At first, we signed names, but it was hard to do on shirts. So we stuck with initials and tried different variations of flowers and butterflies and smilies. Anything much harder and it became a mess.
It felt like I was initialing hundreds of shirts, and created little doodles on each: butterflies, moon and stars, swirls, smilie faces. All in pink. My hands were aching after all the squeezing.
Lake, Carla, and I spent the entire day with the girls, having fun and doing activities that Kota had called team building the night before, but since we were always mixed up with other teams, including the younger girls, it expanded the feeling of the team to more than the original group.
The teenaged boys joined us at dinner. We all still wore our painted shirts that had dried and while we ate, the boys tried to read all the signatures and identify all the doodles.
I noticed that as we mingled with the younger teams, our group seemed to repeat what we had been repeating to them all day long: Good job. You’re doing great. Keep it up.
It was working.
We helped clean up from dinner and once it got dark, and we played games like Ghost in the Graveyard, which was sort of like hide and seek.
We made s’mores around campfires as we talked and told stories.
As it got later in the night, the girls kept asking if we needed to go back to the tents. We told them no and that we weren’t done yet.
They were excited, but also eyeballed any grownup we passed as if they were going to tell us to go to bed.
We waited until about eleven before we had them follow us to the beach.
The beach was filled with other Academy members, old and young, all sitting in folding chairs.
There was a section just for our team.
It was New Year’s Eve. I hadn’t even realized until we’d talked about it the night before. This was one activity I didn’t have to plan. It was happening and we simply sat and waited.
When the time came, we didn’t even realize it until the first firework shot out over the ocean waves. Someone hooted, everyone cheered.
The fireworks lit up the sky.
Lake leaned into me from her chair beside me. “I think we did it,” she said, and she nodded toward the other girls.
I peeked at them, and they were excited, looking up at the sky, and occasionally reaching out to hold hands with the younger ones. They were so engaged with them, they completely ignored us.
I smiled, admiring our handiwork when Victor caught my eye, sitting in front of me. He winked once, waited until Lake sitting next to me wasn’t paying attention. He kissed his finger and quickly brought it to my lips.
I smiled. A quiet New Year’s kiss. It was perfect.
AN UNCOMFORTABLE HEART
When the fireworks ended, we helped put chairs into a truck that would take them away in the morning.
Someone mentioned it was our last night, and I was surprised. We were just in time and I hadn’t realized it. For some reason, I assumed we’d stay through the weekend instead of going back on Friday. Maybe the adults would have to go back to work and needed to get home.
I’d gotten so familiar with the campgrounds, and while it had been stressful, it had also been fun. I was on a high, proud that I’d helped the younger girls see that there was more to the Academy than ‘us versus them.'
I’d started to believe it, too. Everyone was so nice, so helpful and understanding. It was so different from school, where everyone kept to their own friends, never mingling with others. It was like a dream world, where everyone was amazing and supportive and I had become part of it.
As the girl team trailed back to our camp, I followed them, not meaning to separate myself. Just exhausted.
But when we got back, we had one more thing to do. We loaded everyone into cars with their bathroom kits and brought them all to the better latrine.
Lake and I did hobo baths, without taking off our clothes. “I’m not that dirty,” she said to the others. “And I’m so tired.” She kept her eyes down the whole time.
I, too, was focused on getting in and out quickly. Something about being in the bathrooms with the other girls sent a shiver up my spine. I blamed the showers, even with the strange echo they made. Once more than one shower was on, I became overwhelmed. I took in quick breaths as I brushed my teeth as fast as I could.
I told myself I’d be home soon. I wouldn’t have to worry about showers anymore.
However, it wasn’t just the showers. Like Lake, I kept my head down, focused on the sink. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t look at the other girls, thinking at any moment one of them might undress around me.
Why did it bug me that much? It hadn’t occurred to me until that moment. I understood Lake’s reasons, but what were mine?
The other girls didn’t seem to mind and were all chatting as they got ready for bed. They didn’t ask Lake and I questions.
When we returned to the tent, everyone was still talking, buzzing about the day they’d had.
“This was the best,” one of the girls said.
“We don’t have to go home tomorrow, do we?” one of them asked.
“I still feel like I don’t know much,” another said. “I think I need to stay and learn more.”
I didn’t know what to expect tomorrow, either. There were more early activities, but when I checked the map, the paper said there was clean up scheduled in the late afternoon.
This was it. There might be an exit interview tomorrow. Was I ready? My heart was beating wildly as we got ready for bed. Now that the girls seemed happy, I had my own issues to worry about.
The girls continued to giggle and chatter. Carla and Lake, as well as Taylor’s team, joined in. No one seemed to care how late it was.
“Okay everyone,” Carla said. “This might be our last night. Let’s group hug.”
I’d been smiling absently while thinking and then froze. My eyes started to widen and my body stiffened. I glanced at the other girls, who didn’t hesitate.
While the others had started to get up, I remained on my cot, holding tight.
I held my breath to prevent the feeling of panic sweeping over me.
I watched the girls who collected in the middle with Carla. Even Lake joined in. Arms wrapped around other girls, mostly around the neck, but some wrapped arms around waists. They closed in tight, pressing themselves against each other in a large circle.
In their rush to huddle together, no one noticed I was still sitting on my cot, hunching down, making myself small.
I hoped they wouldn’t miss me, unsure I could hold myself together if they did.
Yet as I watched them together, I looked for signs that they were uncomfortable like I was. Why didn’t anyone look as terrified as I felt?
“Sang?” Carla called, with her sweet, happy smile. “Come on. You, too.”
I swallowed thickly, plastering a smile on my face and trying to smother a shiver. Just stand and hold still, I told myself. Just don’t move like last ti
me.
The others called my name and waved me in. I felt their expectations weighing around me. I smothered a grunt, got up and hoped to get it over with quickly.
I walked toward them with my arms tight against my sides.
“Girls, Sang can’t get it,” Carla giggled. The others laughed and opened their arms.
I swallowed a few times to keep back the trembling and the desire to run. I steeled my nerves, letting them pull me in. I closed my eyes.
Don’t think of them. Think of the guys. Of anything else…
Arms encircled my waist, my shoulders. I felt hands on my wrists, trying to pat at me as if whoever it was couldn’t reach me. My breasts met up with someone else’s while someone’s chest was at my back. I was surrounded, and I felt like I was drowning. My knees trembled, and all I wanted to do was sink down.
Why did it feel like the shower? Like I wanted to faint? My stomach twisted. Bile rose in my throat.
And then it happened. My vision blurred with tears, and suddenly, I wasn’t seeing any of them.
I saw my stepmother.
She was yelling at me and held me in place while she poured vinegar and lemon down my throat.
I saw Muriel. Wrestling with me, trying to jab me with a needle.
I saw Jade. Touching me in places I didn’t want her to.
My heart was in my throat and tears poured down my face. Panic and confusion whirled around in my brain.
The guys had hugged me before. I enjoyed their touches. Why was it now that I couldn’t bear another moment of this? No matter how hard I bit my tongue, I couldn’t stop the horrible feeling.
I cried. I couldn’t hide it.
How stupid I was. I couldn’t take a shower. I couldn’t be hugged by girls.
I was a mess. And now I was humiliated
Carla laughed. “Aw,” she said, tears welling in her eyes as she cried, too. “I’ll miss you, too. But we can still stay in contact.”
I swallowed, as hard as I could, and forced myself to smile and pretend that was what it was.
Some of the other girls cried and broke away. I covered my face now that I had the opportunity. Lake left her hand on my shoulder and I waved her off. She wasn’t bad, but my skin still felt like it was crawling, and I wanted to rake at it with my fingernails. I felt dirty and disgusting, ashamed. “I’ll be okay,” I breathed through my tears, covering my face to hide my feelings. “Don’t worry. I’m just sleepy.”
