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The only thing stopping me is that he’s right.
I take a moment to gather my thoughts before I respond. “You don’t know anything about the decisions I’ve made or what it’s been like living with the consequences of those decisions,” I begin. “After the baby was born and ripped away from me, I….” My throat constricts painfully as I recall the way I felt right after I gave birth to Abigail last April. “I thought I had nothing left to live for.”
This is the first time I’ve spoken to anyone about this. Not even Senia knows how close I came to taking my own life the first week after I moved to Wrightsville Beach. Lately, I’m struggling to make it from one day to the next, but back then I was grasping for every second. It wasn’t until I met Fallon and she taught me how to meditate that I managed to claw my way out of the dark hole I’d almost buried myself in. Just thinking of all the nights I sat on the bathroom floor staring at the razor blade and the bottle of pills sitting on the linoleum floor in front of me fills me with shame.
Chris pulls into a supermarket parking lot and triple-parks across a few spaces in the empty lot. He kills the engine and stares at me.
“I should have been there for you.”
“It would have ruined everything you had going on.”
“In April, I was touring in Asia. I didn’t have to be there. I should have been here.”
I unbuckle my seatbelt because I’m starting to feel claustrophobic in the tiny cabin of this sports car.
“I need some air.”
I throw the door open and jump out of the car. The asphalt sways beneath me and I swallow the sour vomit stinging the back of my throat. Chris arrives at my side just as the vomit comes back up and explodes out of my mouth. Some of it splashes onto the side of his beautiful car, but he doesn’t seem to mind as he holds back my ponytail and one more pocket of spew streams from my mouth.
I spit out the bitter traces still lingering on my tongue then swipe the back of my hand across my lips. “Sorry.”
“For what?”
“For handling this so poorly.”
His eyes soften as I lean back against the car to steady myself. “For someone who’s been through what you’ve been through, I think you’ve handled this well. But I do wish you wouldn’t close yourself off to me. Sometimes I need someone to talk to about all this stuff and you’re the only one who’ll understand. I need you, Claire.” He takes a step toward me and I hold my breath as he brushes a sweaty lock of hair away from my face. “And I know you need me too.”
His hand is warm against my cheek and it makes me want to lose myself in him. I close my eyes to attempt to block out this longing, but I still see his face. I have so many memories, though most of my memories from my first fifteen years on this Earth are painful. I didn’t really start creating happy memories until I met Chris and Jackie.
After Chris and I broke up, I saw him everywhere. When I watched a movie and saw a man kayaking, I thought of how Chris promised to take me whitewater rafting. When I opened the refrigerator at Senia’s parents’ house and saw her little sister’s Capri-Sun pouches, I thought of how Chris was addicted to those. Every time I’d lie in bed at night, I thought of how Chris would sing me to sleep. Every time I looked down at my growing belly, I saw him. Every time I listened to her heartbeat during a checkup, I heard him.
I’d gotten so used to imagining my future with Chris that every reminder of him seemed like a slap in the face. Like someone laughing and pointing at me while showing me all the beautiful things and the all-consuming love I would never have. By the time I had Abigail I was thoroughly beaten down by the memories.
Then I met Adam.
I open my eyes and Chris is watching me with that look of concern that I’ve grown accustomed to. You don’t grow up with a heroin addict for a mother without becoming very familiar with that look.
“All of this is insanity,” I whisper as I stare at his chest. “I should be able to have a conversation with you about… Abigail. I don’t know if I deserve to meet her. I think it will drive me crazy. Seems I’m more like my mother than I thought I was.”
He places his fingers under my chin and tilts my face up. “You are nothing like your mother, babe. You put Abigail’s needs before your own. You made the selfless choice, not the selfish one. Please tell me you believe that.”
I shake my head. No, I don’t believe that.
He pulls me into his arms, a place I practically lived in for four years. My home. I clutch his T-shirt in my fists, afraid I’ll collapse at any second.
“I’ll make you see it,” he whispers into my ear.
The drive back to my car is filled with an uneasy silence. I can’t stop thinking that I shouldn’t have come to the club tonight. And I can’t stop wishing I were going home with Chris, back to a time and place where things were simpler.
When he pulls up next to my car, the sidewalk is as empty as the space between us.
“Can I call you tomorrow? I’ll tell you everything Tasha and I have been discussing.”
I nod. “Yeah. I’ll be in my dorm all day.”
I reach for the door handle when it dawns on me that my cell phone is about to get cut since I haven’t paid the bill. If I tell Chris, he’s going to offer to pay it for me. But if I don’t tell him, and it gets cut before he calls, he may think I’m trying to avoid him or that something bad has happened to me.
“I might not be available, though. I’ve got a paper to write for my sociology class.”
“Really? You can’t spare a few minutes to discuss the adoption?”
My leg starts bouncing with nerves as I try to think of a better lie. Finally, I sigh as I resign myself to the truth. “My phone might get cut. I have a couple of job interviews this week, but even if I get one of those I won’t get paid for another two to three weeks, which means I’m going to probably be without a phone for a while. I’ll call you from Senia’s phone tomorrow whenever I take a break from studying.”
“Are you serious? Your phone is about to be cut off?”
“I don’t have a job anymore. The scholarship doesn’t pay for my cell phone bill.”
He’s pissed.
“Don’t worry about your cell phone. I’ll take care of it.”
Chris knows all my personal information, from social security number all the way down to my fucking panty size. All he has to do is have someone call and pretend to be me so he can pay the bill over the phone. Part of me is pissed that I know what he’s going to do and part of me is grateful that he’s willing to go to such lengths to help me.
“Thanks.”
“I’ll do anything for you, Claire. You should know that by now.”
Against everything inside me, I lean over and kiss his cheek before I jump out of the car. My hands are shaking as I hit the unlock button on the key fob. I slide into the driver’s seat and slam my door shut before I allow the first tears to fall.
Chapter Fourteen
Adam
THIS IS MY FIFTH TRIP to Hawaii. The first four trips were packed with exhausting competitions and late nights with plenty of booze and girls. This time is different. My first two days in Hawaii were spent unpacking and grocery shopping for my training diet. My coach, Remmy Dufrense, won’t be here for another three days. I need to keep up my routine until then, but I’m already feeling the urge to toke or down a bottle of vodka.
After what happened last week with Chris, I’m getting a strong feeling that this trip will be the biggest mistake of my life. I’m not imagining things. Claire’s voice sounds different today than it did yesterday morning.
“What did you do yesterday?” I ask as I grab an apple out of the fruit bowl on the kitchen counter and bite off a huge chunk.
At least the house the company rented for me in Kekaha is less than a block from the beach and a market with an awesome selection of poke. I don’t plan on spending much time anywhere else, besides work, for the next two months.
“I studied and went… I went to a concert.?
?
The word concert and the hesitation in her voice confirms my suspicions.
“Who’d you see?” The long pause on the other end of the line just makes the frustration build inside me, spreading through my arms and down to my fingertips. I have to stop myself from throwing the phone. “Claire?”
“I saw Chris. He asked me to watch a jam session with one of his idols. I went as his friend. You said that was okay.”
She’s not asking if it’s okay; she’s telling me I already said it was okay. I knew this was going to happen, I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon.
“So you just went to watch?”
“Yes, of course. Are you mad?”
“I’m not mad, just not sure how to feel about it yet. I don’t like the idea of the two of you hanging out.”
“We didn’t really hang out very long. I left once the crowds were gone.”
I want to know every fucking detail about what happened. I want to know if he touched her, even if it was just a friendly hug. But I can hear in the tone of her voice that Claire doesn’t want to be grilled on this.
“Adam?”
“Yeah.”
“I need to ask you a favor.”
I sit down at the writing desk in the living room and lean back in the wooden desk chair. “You can ask me anything, babe.”
“I feel really embarrassed asking you this, but can you pay my cell phone bill? Chris found out my service is about to be cut and I don’t want him to pay it. I’d rather you do it. I should be able to pay you back in a few weeks.”
“Stop.”
“Stop what?”
