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I’d rather be dead than be here right now.
Finally, the nurse wheels me away and it feels like it takes an hour before she finally arrives at the Women’s Pavilion. They set me up in a spacious room and hook me up to a zillion monitors. Every beat of my baby’s heart is like a hammer driven into my heart, breaking it into a million pieces. I finally ask the nurse to lower the volume on the heart rate monitor and she does it, but not without a judgmental scowl.
“Have you decided on any names?” another dark-haired nurse asks, putting on some gloves as she gets ready to probe my cervix for the third time since I arrived.
Senia throws her a look of disgust before she pulls the nurse outside. I don’t know what Senia says to her, but the dark-haired nurse, Sybil, is overly nice for the rest of my two-night stay. The entire staff is overly nice after that. Sybil must have shared the news about the adoption with everybody. But their kindness doesn’t soothe my anxiety or my guilt. I almost wish they would tell me what an awful person I am. Just confirm what I know they’re all thinking about me.
She’s just a stupid college student who got knocked up by having unprotected sex with some guy who probably wants nothing more to do with her.
If they knew the truth, if they knew that I kept this whole pregnancy a secret from Chris, they wouldn’t be this nice to me.
“Claire?”
Senia places her hand on my back and leads me toward the emergency entrance. The doors whisper accusations as they slide open. Unfit. They slide shut behind me. Liar.
“It’s okay,” Senia whispers.
“Nobody knows what happened. That’s between you and Chris.”
Chris. Oh, God. Where is he?
I break away from Senia and race to the long counter where a woman in a black cardigan watches wide-eyed as I approach.
“Can I help you?”
“I’m looking for Chris Knight.”
Her eyebrows knit together as if she has bad news for me, but then she points at a set of double doors. “Go through there and you’ll find the nursing station. They can help you.”
I powerwalk across the lobby to the double doors and shove my way through them. The hospital smell is more intense in here. The woman in the lobby didn’t say they would tell me where Chris is. She didn’t say he’s okay. She just said they would help me at the nursing station. Maybe that’s her standard response after dealing with so many people who come in frantic looking for loved ones who’ve…. I have to stop thinking like this.
The nursing station is a huge L-shaped counter with Plexiglas panels stretching from the counter to the ceiling. A woman with short red hair is standing behind the counter wearing a midnight-blue nursing uniform and staring at the inside of a manila file folder.
“You looking for someone?” she asks as she looks up from the folder.
“Yes. I’m looking for Chris—Christopher Knight.”
Everyone knows him as Chris Knight, not Christopher, but there’s no way she doesn’t know I’m talking about the Chris Knight.
“Are you family?”
I hesitate. Am I family? Technically, Chris was my foster brother, but Jackie never adopted me. And I haven’t lived with her or Chris for more than two years.
“No. I’m….” Senia watches me as she waits to hear exactly what I am to Chris. “I’m his wife.”
Senia’s eyes widen, which doesn’t go unnoticed by the nurse. Senia drops her gaze to my hands as I tuck them behind my back. The nurse cocks an eyebrow before she closes her folder and picks up the phone to dial an extension.
“I have Chris Knight’s… wife here.” She looks up at me. “What’s your name, honey?”
“Claire.”
“Claire is here to see her husband. What’s his status?” She purses her lips as she listens to Chris’s status then hangs up the phone. “They just moved him out of the trauma unit and into the OR.” She grabs a piece of paper off the desk and hands it to me. It’s a floor plan of the hospital. “You can wait in the Critical Care Waiting Room. They’ll keep you updated on his status and when you’ll be able to see him.”
Senia and I follow the map through a few more corridors.
“Claire Knight,” Senia remarks with a shake of her head. “Nope. I don’t like the way it sounds.”
“How else are they going to let me see him? Everybody knows he’s an only child.”
We reach another quiet lobby where a woman with poufy brown hair is sitting behind yet another counter.
“May I help you?”
“I’m here to see my husband, Christopher Knight,” I reply without hesitation.
“Claire!”
I turn my head at the sound of Rachel’s voice. “Rachel?”
She looks exactly as I remember her, messy brown bangs and clothes that fit too loosely over her tiny frame. Jackie stands from her chair and they both stride toward me. Rachel throws her arms around me first, but I note that her makeup seems untouched as if she hasn’t shed a tear. I look over Rachel’s shoulder at Jackie and her makeup also seems to be intact.
“What happened?” I ask Jackie and she smiles a bit sheepishly.
“They’re resetting his fibula.”
“His fibula? You mean, he broke his leg?”
Rachel lets go of me and J
ackie holds her arms out for a hug. I give her a quick hug then look up at her questioningly.
“When I called you I didn’t know his status yet. If I had known it was just a compound fracture I wouldn’t have asked you to come.”
“Just a compound fracture?” Rachel says. “That’s some serious shit.” Typical Rachel, always eager to speak her mind. “Did you just refer to Chris as your husband?”
I’m sensing some hostility from Rachel, but I don’t want to make any incorrect assumptions. “They wouldn’t let me see him otherwise.”
Her lip curls up in disgust. “Don’t let him know you did that. It will kill him.”
Jackie purses her lips at Rachel. “Come now, Rachel. Be nice.”
“It’s true. He’s been miserable the past few weeks. Claire’s the reason he was upset when he got on his bike.”
“What?” Jackie looks confused as she looks back and forth between Rachel and me.
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
Jackie’s eyes widen at me. “Claire! Watch the language.” She turns back to Rachel. “But, yes, what are you talking about?”
Rachel shakes her head. “Nothing. He was just upset when he left and I know it’s because of everything that’s happening between you two.”
“What’s going on between you?” Jackie asks me.
There’s no way Rachel knows about Abigail. Chris told me he hasn’t spoken to anyone about her and I believe him. She’s probably referring to Adam. I don’t think Chris would tell Rachel about the fight, but I wouldn’t put it past Tristan to blab about it to everybody he knows.
“Nothing. We’re still trying to work things out. We’re just friends.” I whisper the last sentence like it’s a dirty secret because it is, as far as Jackie is concerned.
“Just friends? Did you friend-zone my baby?”
Rachel cackles at this remark and I probably would too if it didn’t make me physically sick.
“No, Jackie. It’s just that a lot has happened since we broke up.” Oh, no. This is not how I wanted her to find out. “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”
Jackie looks as if she can’t decide whether she should be confused or disgusted. I want to sink into the floor or disappear. I can’t bear to see the scrutiny and disappointment in her eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” I repeat this mantra a few more times before she pats my shoulder.
“It’s fine. I know you two will work this out. You can’t just throw away four years and an engagement without trying to work things out.”
Engagement? Chris told her we were engaged?
I don’t want to be pissed at him right now. He probably had a good reason to tell her this, though I can’t figure out what that could be. Jackie knew Chris and I were having sex the last two years we were together. She told us to be safe and that was the end of our birds and bees discussion. Why would he tell her that? I was nineteen when we broke up. We did promise to love each other forever, and we talked about getting married many years down the road, but there was definitely never an engagement. I would never have put myself through the pregnancy and adoption alone if we were engaged.
Poor Jackie. Chris and I have kept so many secrets from her and told her so many lies, we should both be hanged.
“You’re right. We’ll try to work it out. I promise.”
She smiles even though I can see it in her eyes that she knows I’m humoring her. “He should be out of the care unit in a couple of hours. I’m sure he’d love to see you when he wakes up.”
I bite my lip as I attempt to stop the tears from spilling over. Of all the lies I’ve told this year, I think I regret the ones I’ve told Jackie the most.
