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I think back to that day and remember how I lay awake the entire night cursing myself for running out of the hospital instead of holding it together for just a few more minutes.
“I didn’t sleep either.”
“Yeah, but I did something.”
“What did you do?” I ask carefully.
“I checked out of the hospital early and called Tristan to pick me up.”
He doesn’t have to say anything else. I already know where this conversation is leading.
“You fucked someone?”
He winces at these words. “Not technically. Tristan took me home and some girls came over. I was fucked up on pain pills and one of them gave me a blowjob.”
I was with Adam when this happened so I technically shouldn’t care, but I’m furious.
“Is that how you deal with stuff now? By getting fucked up?”
“No, it’s not, but you were with… him and you weren’t answering my calls. I knew that it could possibly be the last time I ever see my daughter again and you didn’t even get to share that moment with me. I was fucked up even without the pain pills.”
“Why can’t you say his name?”
“I don’t want to say his name.”
I turn the key in the ignition and try not to think the obvious. Chris is the love of my life, but he’s still not ready to grow up.
“Are you mad?” he asks as I pull out of the parking lot.
“Of course, I’m angry. Don’t act like I have no right to be angry either because that will only make me more angry.” I shake my head as I change lanes so I can head for the highway entrance. “No one knows how to love me like you and no one knows how to hurt me like you.”
He’s quiet the whole drive home. I park next to the curb instead of in the driveway because I don’t know if I can go in right now. We sit in silence for a while before he turns to me.
“I’m sorry if I hurt you, but I’m not sorry for being honest with you. You deserve nothing less.” He kisses my cheek then reaches into the back seat to grab his crutches. “You don’t have to come in if you don’t want to, but I know my mom would love it if you did. I’d love it, too.”
His lips slowly curl into a smile and I press my lips together to keep from returning the favor.
“Come on. You know you want to come in,” he coaxes me.
“I hate you,” I mutter as I pull the keys out of the ignition.
“I hate you, too,” he says with a soft smile that makes the breath catch in my throat. “I hate you from the bottom of my heart.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Chris
I DON’T WANT CLAIRE TO do anything she’ll regret later, which is why I’m going to make sure this is too good to regret.
When we step inside the house, I’m hit with a cool gust of air-conditioned air, but the house is completely quiet. Claire enters after me and I hand her my keys.
“Take the house key off the chain and make a copy for yourself.”
“I don’t need a house key,” she says, pushing the keys back into my hand. “I’m too busy to come visit when no one’s here.”
“You’re not visiting. This is your house.”
She looks away from me as she closes the front door. “Where’s your mom?”
“I thought she was here. She probably left to run errands.”
I set off toward the kitchen on my crutches, but I don’t hear her footsteps behind me. When I turn around, she’s still standing just inside the front door.
“Oh, come on. It’s not like we’ve never been alone in this house.”
She rolls her eyes before she follows me into the kitchen and takes a seat on the barstool at the breakfast bar. She doesn’t look much different than she did the first time we had sex three years ago. I lean on the other side of the bar just staring at her for a moment as I remember that day.
“Why are you staring at me like that? You’re creeping me out.”
I chuckle as I push off the bar and limp to the other side. “I was thinking of the first time we had sex. You were sitting right there before I took you upstairs.”
She glares at me, unblinking, before she replies. “We are not having sex.”
“I know, but you asked why I was staring at you.”
“You know, Chris, if you wanted to be nice you’d keep stuff like that to yourself, even if I ask you.” She scoots her barstool farther away from me. “Can you call Tasha to see what’s going on with Abigail?”
“I called her last night before I went to your dorm. I wanted to see if she had some good news I could give you in person.” She looks at me with that heartbroken expression because she knows what’s coming. “Nothing.”
“You should be lying down,” she says as she slides off the barstool and rounds the breakfast bar to retrieve my crutches from where they’re resting against the counter. “Do you need me to help you upstairs or are you good?”
“You’re leaving?”
She nods curtly and I can tell she’s trying to hold in her disappointment long enough to make it out to her car where she’ll probably cry.
“You don’t have to try to be strong. I feel like this whole situation with Abby is the worst thing I’ve ever had to go through and it’s not even close to how you must be feeling. You can talk to me.”
“I’m not going to cry. I’ve been crying way too much lately. I need to just be strong for a little while. Can you please just let me do that?”
I shake my head. “You’re such a nerd.” I get onto my crutches and nod toward the stairs. “Come watch a movie with me. I bought a TV for your bedroom so you have something to watch when you’re home.”
I don’t tell her what else I bought for her room because I’m sort of regretting buying it now.
“When do I ever have time to watch TV?” she says as she follows me up the stairs.
She must be curious about the TV.
“You used to watch that Vampire Diaries shit all the time. Don’t pretend like you’re some anti-TV hipster.”
I open the door to her bedroom and the sight of it makes my heart pound with anxiety.
She looks confused when she sees it. “You got me a bigger bed?”
“You’re going to think this is totally pathetic, but I got it a couple of weeks ago after you stopped taking my calls when I was still planning to go to L.A. tomorrow.”
“Why would you do that?”
I stare at her for a moment, hoping she’ll figure it out so I don’t have to say it. It takes her a moment before her mouth drops open.
“You… you got it for—”
“Please don’t say his name.” I let out a long sigh. “I didn’t want you to stop coming over to visit my mom just because I was gone and you had a new boyfriend. And I sure as hell didn’t want you two sleeping in my bed. And now that I think about it, I can’t even believe I did this. Now I want to burn this fucking bed.”
She looks puzzled for a moment before she starts laughing.
“There is nothing funny about this.”
She moves toward the bed and I reach for her hand. She looks over her shoulder at me.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh. This is actually really sweet of you.”
“Can we go to my room?”
She tilts her head as she looks at me. She reaches up and brushes her thumb over my eyebrow.
“Thank you for thinking of me,” she whispers.
I turn my face and kiss the delicate skin on the inside of her wrist. She looks at me and I see her breathing quicken.
“I was serious when I said I would do whatever it took.”
I drop the crutches to the floor and clutch her face as I pull her lips against mine. Her lips are so soft and taste like coffee with a hint of maple syrup. I slide my hand behind her neck as I slip my tongue farther into her mouth. She moans softly as her hands find the bottom of my T-shirt.
“I love you so much, Claire,” I say as I kiss her jaw. “I will always love you. I want you to be mine
.”
I bite her neck softly and she gasps. “You shouldn’t be standing like that,” she says as she pulls me toward the bed.
