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Staring at the ring for a moment, I wonder if things would have been different if that were an engagement ring rather than a promise ring. When Lindsay and I broke up, she claimed that she cheated on me with Nathan because she got tired of waiting for me to propose.
“Why didn’t you tell me about her?” she asks, and I know she’s referring to Kaia.
I shrug. “I don’t know. I guess I thought it would just be something temporary, help her find a job, run a few errands, then we’d part ways again. But things got… well, things changed.”
She reaches out and traces her finger along Kaia’s cheek. “She’s adorable.”
“Are you and Chris back together?”
“Yes. Are you and Lindsay back together?”
“No.”
I don’t want to say more because I’m afraid I’ll say something stupid or hurtful. I can already feel the frustration and anger rising to the surface as I think of Chris touching Claire.
“I guess I should get going.”
She looks at Kaia before she stands from the sofa, but in that one-second glance I see the months of anguish and longing for Abigail. Then it hits me. Claire and Chris are back together and Claire has just told me she’s happy. I should be happy for her, not angry with him.
I stand up and follow her to the door. “Claire?”
“Yeah?”
“I want you to be happy, but I don’t want you to disappear.”
She takes a deep breath and turns around to face me. “Look at you.”
“What?”
She looks at Kaia then back to me. “You’re so generous and I would love to stay friends with you, but I need less confusion in my life. Adam….” She takes a long pause that makes me anxious. “Chris is taking me to meet my father in the end of December. I need to get my head straight before I go there. My therapist says I’m making a lot of progress and he doesn’t think he’s going to have to get me a psych referral anymore. That’s a huge deal to me. I don’t want to take medication. I think of my mom and how she self-medicated with heroin and how I was self-medicating with the meditation crap and… I’m so happy that I’m starting to feel normal again, the way I felt before Chris left. I think if you and I were to stay friends, I’d be a mess, because I do love you, Adam. Seeing you right now, holding that baby… I can’t describe what I’m feeling because it would just confuse both of us.”
I let out a deep sigh. “I don’t want to think of what my life will be like without you. You deserve to be happy. And if this is what you need to be happy, then I’ll respect your decision. I won’t call you.” I reach out to brush a few strands of damp hair off her cheek. “But if you ever need someone to talk to, I’ll always be here for you.”
I lean over to kiss her forehead and when I pull away Kaia has a chunk of Claire’s hair in her hand. We both laugh as we attempt to extract her hair from Kaia’s fingers, but our faces are so close that I can’t help but look up to see if she’s looking at me. She looks up at the same time and her smile disappears. My gaze falls to her lips; lips I’ve kissed, sucked, licked, and tasted so many times, and it still wasn’t enough.
She steps back and opens the door quickly. “Bye, Adam.”
As soon as the door closes behind her, my body instantly feels heavier than it did two seconds ago. I feel weighed down and listless, like I could stand here in this spot, in this moment, for the rest of my life and it wouldn’t matter.
This is bullshit. I have to find a way to get Claire back.
Chapter Twelve
Chris
Sometimes you get lucky and the universe throws you a bone, and you have to sink your teeth in and refuse to let go. That’s what happened when Claire showed up at my concert in August. Then there are those other times, when the universe catapults you straight into heaven and you just have to let go and enjoy the ride. This is how I feel after getting to see Abby and getting back together with Claire in the same night last week. My instinct is to keep fighting to make sure I never lose Claire again, but my heart is telling me to let go and enjoy because she’s mine.
And I’ve never been more certain of this as I am when she arrives at Fleming’s Steakhouse carrying a silver box tied with a giant white ribbon and wearing that smile that makes me want to give up everything.
“You look beautiful. I missed you,” I say as I take the box from her hands and lean in to kiss the corner of her mouth. “God, it feels good to be able to say those words to you again.”
She throws her arms around my neck and I laugh as she plants a loud kiss on my cheek. “I love you.”
“This is kind of heavy. What did you get her?”
“It’s a surprise. Is she inside?”
“Yeah, we just got here. I got us a private dining room.”
She hooks her arm around mine and I lead her toward the entrance. “A private dining room? How fancy.”
“Yeah, we’ve got Grey Poupon and violinists, too.”
“Geez, you really know how to impress a girl.”
“Only the best for you, babe.”
I lead her through the warmly lit main dining area toward the private dining room, making an effort not to let her see the discomfort in my leg. When we enter the dining room, my mom is sitting at the far end of a square table that is way too big for the three of us, but it’s better than being out in the main dining area where I may be recognized and hassled. I set Claire’s gift on the table as she and my mom hug each other.
The day after we saw Abigail last week, I told my mom that Claire and I were back together. I haven’t seen her cry so many tears of joy in all my life.
“Happy birthday, Jackie,” Claire says as I pull out a chair for her to sit down.
Once we’re all seated, a waiter takes our drink order and my mom is grinning as she looks back and forth between Claire and me. I know she’s just happy to see us back together, but I don’t want her enthusiasm to put any pressure on Claire.
“Yeah, we get it, you’re happy we’re back together.”
“Oh, Christopher, don’t be such a killjoy and let me enjoy it.” She tilts her head as she looks at us. “You two look so adorable together.”
Claire reaches across the table and grabs my mom’s hand. “How was work?”
My mom smiles before she launches into a long-winded explanation of her day. Claire knows how much my mom loves to talk about the customers at the bakery. I can’t help but feel like I’m falling more in love with her by the second as I watch them laughing and gossiping. They love each other just as much as Claire and I love each other.
After a long five-course meal, Claire’s eyes light up when it’s time to open her gift.
“This better not be anything expensive,” my mom says as she unties the white satin ribbon.
“It wasn’t. I think all the materials cost like $40.” Claire leans forward, her eyes glued to the silver box as my mom lifts the lid.
My mom’s hands disappear into the box and when they come out they’re holding what looks like a black photo album.
“It’s a memory book,” Claire announces.
My mom looks up at Claire and I can tell she already wants to cry. She opens the book and instantly smiles.
“The first few pages are just Chris,” Claire continues. “Then there are a lot of pages of the three of us. I hope you like it.”
“How could I not love it? Look at you, Chris, with your bowl haircut.”
Claire jumps out of her chair to peer over my mom’s shoulder, as if she didn’t just put the album together herself.
“I love that bowl haircut,” Claire says as she looks up and winks at me.
“Oh, my goodness!” my mom squeals. “Look at your prom picture.”
Now I jump out of my chair so I can lean over my mom’s other shoulder. I took Claire to her senior prom, even though I had dropped out almost two years earlier.
“Look at your Mohawk,” Claire teases me as she pokes my ribs.
“I can’t believe you wore that to
Claire’s prom,” my mom complains.
I hated high school and Claire gave me permission to wear a Rolling Stones T-shirt and jeans. I wore a blazer over the shirt just so we could get into the dance hall at the hotel, then I took it off as soon as we were inside. When it was our turn to take pictures, I scooped Claire up into my arms at the last second before the camera flashed. The result was a really awkward picture where I’m sticking my tongue out and she’s flailing her arms with a terrified look on her face.
My mom gushes over a few more pages of pictures, mostly of Claire and me with a few of her and Claire sprinkled in. When she turns the last page, we all seem to freeze as we look at the final photograph. It’s the picture Claire took last week of Abby and me. She showed me the picture that night, but somehow seeing it tonight after all those other pictures just makes it seem bigger, more significant, like Abby doesn’t just belong in this memory book—she belongs with us, all three of us.
My mom traces her finger along the edge of the photograph. She’s seen pictures of Abby before, but this is the first time she’s seen Abby and me together.
After a long silence, Claire stands up straight. “I’m sorry if I upset you.”
My mom closes the book and Claire looks at me, her eyes pleading me to interpret this silence for her.
“Mom, are you okay?” I ask.
She nods as she sets the book gently inside the box. “I’m okay. I just wasn’t expecting that.” She heaves a deep sigh before she stands from her chair and turns to Claire. “Thank you for the most thoughtful birthday gift anyone has ever given me.”
Claire looks hesitant for a moment before they embrace, and I can’t help but feel an element of tension between them.
“I just wanted you to see what I saw,” Claire whispers as my mom lets her go.
“I know, sweetheart. Thank you.”
“You girls ready to go?”
Claire nods at me and my mom smiles as she closes the lid on the box.
Once we’re outside, my mom holds out her hand for the car keys. “It’s freezing out here. I’ll wait in the car while you two say your goodbyes.” She takes my keys and kisses Claire on the cheek before she sets off across the parking lot.
The first Friday of December has brought a deep chill to Raleigh. Claire instantly begins to shiver as we walk toward her car.
“Are you coming over?” I ask Claire. “I have a surprise for you.”
