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I want to ask her how the hell Tristan knows about this before I do, but I’m afraid to know the answer to that question. I want to slide out of this booth, go to the car, and fall asleep, curled up in the passenger seat. But I can’t shut down again. I can’t do that to Senia.
Still, I feel so betrayed.
I glance at Tristan before I speak. “How? You and Eddie have been broken up for three months.”
She scrunches up her eyebrows, as if she’s ashamed with herself. “It’s not Eddie’s.”
She appears to be bracing herself for my wrath, but all I can do is shake my head because I still don’t understand. Finally, she nods toward Tristan and my heart beats painfully in my chest.
“When? What the hell’s going on?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to tell you because of everything going on with Abigail. It was just a one-night thing a few weeks ago and, we were careful, but I didn’t get my period last week.”
“Wait a minute. A few weeks ago? Thanksgiving was two weeks ago. I thought you were going to tell him to stop texting you.”
“We ran into each other at Yogurtland and it just sort of happened. I didn’t give him my number. I mean, I’m not stupid.”
“Hey!” Tristan says. “How about a little gratitude for the guy whose seed is sprouting inside of you?”
“Ew,” Senia remarks before she continues. “ That’s why I was wondering how he got my number and texted me on Thanksgiving. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it, but I was ashamed of myself for giving in. I was feeling so shitty because Eddie kept texting and calling. I just wanted to do something to take my mind off of him.”
Tristan scoots closer to her and lays his hand on the back of her neck. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, sweetheart.”
She quickly shoves his arm away. “Stop it.”
He smiles as he leans back, but his smile disappears when he looks at Chris. Turning to Chris, I’m surprised to find he looks as upset as I feel. His jaw is clenched and I don’t know if he’s going to explode with anger or cry. Finally, he stands from the table and makes his way toward the exit.
I don’t hesitate as I slide out of the booth to go after him. Tristan stands to come with me, but I hold my hand up to stop him. “Not now.”
I catch up with Chris outside just as he sits down on a brick planter in front of the restaurant. The dark December clouds above us only punctuate this moment. I almost wish it would rain to cleanse the aching from our souls. He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he buries his face in his hands.
“I don’t really want to talk right now.”
“You don’t have to talk,” I say as I take a seat next to him. “But do you mind if I talk?”
He takes a deep breath and shakes his head.
“I think I may need to give you a little space to figure out whether you can forgive me before I move in with you.”
His head snaps up to look at me. “What?”
“You’re obviously upset about this because of Abigail, and that’s my fault.”
“Don’t do this, Claire. This is not the right way to handle this.” He sits up and looks me in the eye. “Yeah, I’m really fucking upset right now, but giving up is not the way to solve our problems. You should know that by now.”
“I know. I just hate seeing you like this. I hate knowing that I’ve hurt you.”
“Babe, you’re going to hurt me many more times in our lives. Just because I forgive you, doesn’t mean the pain goes away instantly. I just need some time… and you. I need you to not leave me again. Okay?”
I nod as I reach for his hand and squeeze. He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he stares at the concrete. I hate seeing Chris in pain, but knowing that I’m the cause is unbearable.
“Are you going to stay out here?”
“Go ahead inside. I’ll just be a minute.”
As I begin to stand, he pulls me toward him so he can kiss me. It’s just a soft peck on the lips, but he lingers for a moment. And in this simple gesture, it’s as if he’s reminding me that we can get through anything. Even this.
I kiss the tip of his nose before I set off into the restaurant again. Senia and Tristan are deep in conversation as I approach, but the silence returns as soon as I take my seat.
“Is everything okay?” Tristan asks, and he looks genuinely concerned.
“He’s fine. He just needs a minute.” I turn to Senia and she bites her lip. Reaching out, I beckon her into my arms. “Congratulations, bestie.”
“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you right away,” she whispers into my hair as she holds me tightly. “I didn’t know what I was going to do. And I knew if I told you how unsure I was, that it would just upset you.”
I let her go and try to keep my voice steady as I reply. “So you know what you’re going to do?”
“I can’t get an abortion. That’s just…. After everything I’ve watched you go through this past year, the love I see you struggle with…. I can’t give that up. I could never do that to myself… or you. I want you to be there for me.”
“Oh,” I whisper because these might be the most beautiful words I’ve ever heard. She wants me to be there for her. “Of course, I’ll be there for you. So, does that mean you want me to stay in the dorm?”
Tristan and her look at each other before he replies. “She’s going to move in with me.”
“Wait, so are you guys together now?”
“No,” Senia replies quickly and Tristan actually looks a little annoyed. “This was not planned and we’re just taking it one day at a time. I can’t tell my parents yet or they’ll freak. I need to figure out what I’m going to do with school and everything.”
“You’re not quitting, are you?”
“Fuck no!”
The waitress arrives with our plates of food and I feel a pang of guilt as she places Chris’s omelet on the table next to my waffle. It kills me to think that Chris is in pain. And it terrifies me to consider the possibility, even for a second, that we may not make it through this. Seeing Tristan and Senia get the very thing that I stole from him, without sharing the love that we shared, must be killing him.
“That’s good. I don’t want you to fuck up like me.”
“You didn’t fuck up, Claire.”
Chris arrives and slides in next to me. He makes no attempt to eat his food, and I don’t blame him. I’ve completely lost my appetite.
I force Senia to eat her omelet then we leave the restaurant, all four of
us in a haze of silence. Tristan reaches for Senia’s hand as she attempts to get in the car and I can’t help but feel that something has changed in him. She looks over her shoulder at him and he doesn’t say anything. He just smiles. She rolls her eyes as she lets go of his hand and climbs into the backseat of the Porsche.
I stare at him for a moment before I get into the car, utterly perplexed by this non-douche-like behavior. “If you hurt her, I’ll tell the world you got herpes from a gay cowboy.”
“I would never do something like that to her or my child,” he says as he turns around and walks toward his bike.
I don’t know if it’s the way he said it or my own guilt painting his words dark, but I swear that was a dig at me for what I did to Chris.
“Claire, you coming in?”
A chill passes through me as the weight of being judged returns like a vulture perched on my shoulders. I have yet to atone for my sins. Can I even accept Chris’s forgiveness if I haven’t paid for my transgressions?
Transgressions.
It seems I have something in common with my father after all.
I slide into the passenger seat and Chris can tell I’m upset. “I want to go get my stuff right now.” I turn around to look at Senia. “Is that okay with you?”
She looks a little disappointed at first, then she smiles. “I think it’s great. I’ll help you pack.”
I don’t have much stuff in the dorm. Moving from the dorm, to Senia’s, to Wrightsville, then back to the dorm taught me to pare down my belongings to the bare minimum. There are very few possessions that have any meaning to me. Most of those have been destroyed, lost, or given away. What’s left is just two suitcases and two boxes of books and mementos. Four containers like the four chambers of a heart, pushing my blood, my life, from one place to another.
I have to threaten to back out on Chris in order to get him to stay in the car. Not only is his leg too messed up to be carrying boxes, but I don’t want any of the girls in the dorm to recognize him and get any funny ideas.
I sigh as Senia and I roll my two suitcases out to the Porsche and Chris throws them in the backseat. When I turn to Senia, she’s already crying.
“Pregnancy hormones?” I say, though saying the words aloud makes my stomach turn.
She throws her arms around me and squeezes me so hard I can hardly breathe, but I don’t attempt to loosen her grip. Instead, I squeeze her just as tightly. I know it’s stupid. We’ll probably see each other on Monday when we meet for coffee between classes. Still, I can’t help but feel like this is a step away from my youth. This is a step toward my future with Chris, as adults.
Senia lets go and I pull her hands away from her face. “I’ll see you at the café on Monday. Heck, you’ll probably see me tomorrow when I realize I’ve forgotten my hairbrush or something. You’re a block away.”
“I know. Go ahead and move in with your sexy rock star. I’ll move in with mine next weekend.”
I laugh as I kiss her cheek. “We’re livin’ the dream.”
She smacks my ass as I climb into the car. “Don’t forget to study!”
Chris grins at this comment as I reach for the door handle. “I won’t forget,” I say, then I blow her a kiss and shut the door.
When we arrive at Chris’s apartment, there are three boxes stacked on top of each other in the entryway.
“Whose are those?” I ask as I set my purse and backpack down on a table near the front door.
“It’s some stuff from your room at the house. I had my mom pack it up a few days ago. I had it delivered while you were packing.”
