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hesitance about moving forward with the open adoption. I expected him to get pissed or refuse to speak to me after that. But, once again, he surprised me with how much he’s grown.
“I’ve been feeling the same way,” he said as he adjusted the pillows behind his back to get more comfortable. “I didn’t want to say anything. I don’t want you to think that I’m giving up on the agreement because I don’t love her. It’s the opposite. I keep thinking of what will happen to her if she grows up with two sets of parents who would both do anything for her.”
“She’ll always wonder why I gave her up. She might even resent me for it. Or worse… she may think I gave her up because I didn’t want her. And any time something gets rough at home, she’ll wish she were with us instead of them.”
“I feel like a terrible person for even thinking of giving up. But I’ll feel even worse for not putting Abigail first.” We look each other in the eye and I can tell he’s trying to hold it together. “I never told you this, but the day we met, when you were complaining about not having slept and I convinced you to come downstairs to listen to us play… I’ve always regretted that.”
“Why?”
“After I found out what you had been through with your mom and all the other foster homes, I felt like I should have let you sleep that day instead of asking you to come downstairs so I could put on a show for you.”
“It’s not like I didn’t have a choice. I could have gone to sleep. I wanted to go downstairs.”
“I know, but you also probably didn’t want to say no because you were in yet another new home. Anyway, I’ve thought about that day a lot and how I should have let you sleep. I should have, from the day you moved in, showed you that you would always come first. That’s what you needed. And I know that’s what Abigail needs, too.”
We held each other for what must have been four or five hours, until the tears that soaked through my pillowcase had dried. It was at that moment that I realized the most important lesson Abigail taught me.
Though she won’t grow up knowing us, Abigail will still be happy. She will never know the sacrifice we made for her, but she will be happy. We feel the love of strangers every day in the beautiful things they do that affect our lives without our knowledge. That is how we will love Abigail. And that is how she will feel our love.
Jackie’s voice jolts me out of this memory and my nerves are once again zinging beneath my skin. I smile at her as she walks in carrying a serving platter with a beautiful roast chicken. She sets the platter down and sits at the head of the table. I sit in the chair next to her and Chris kisses the top of my head before he sits on my other side.
Jackie smiles at me as she begins carving the chicken. She cuts off a leg and motions for me to pass her my plate. She still remembers my favorite part of the chicken. She lays the meat gently on my plate and looks to Chris.
“Pass me your plate, honey.”
When everyone’s food is served, Chris glances at me and I try not to make it obvious that we’re silently communicating, but Jackie quickly catches on.
“All right, what kind of secret are you two keeping from me now? Is it some kind of Christmas surprise? ‘Cause you know I hate surprises.”
Chris sighs as he sets down his fork. “We want to talk to you about Abigail. We’ve decided not to pursue the open adoption.”
Jackie’s face falls, and just when I think she’s going to say something, she throws her napkin on the table and gets up to leave.
“Mom, come on. Please sit down so we can talk.”
“I forgot the wine,” she says as she heads for the wine chiller. She pulls out a bottle of white wine and begins loudly rummaging through the drawer. “Where’s the corkscrew?”
I can feel Chris looking at me, but I can’t bear to look at him right now. Covering my face with my hands, I manage to keep the tears from flowing by the time Jackie joins us at the table again. She only brought herself a glass, but neither Chris nor I drink wine, so it doesn’t bother me. It’s the way her lips are pressed together and trembling, as if she’s trying to keep from crying, that makes me want to hide under the table.
“Jackie, we’re only trying to do what’s best for Abby,” I begin. “Please look at me. I need you to understand.”
Jackie tears her gaze away from the glass of wine she hasn’t touched yet and glares at me. She appears more hurt than angry, which only makes this more difficult.
“I don’t know if I can listen to any more of this. I go to bed every night thinking of that little girl.”
“So do we,” Chris says, his voice thick with emotion. “I want to be selfish. I want to have her all to myself, but she’s not ours anymore. And trying to change that now would take months or years of suffering and a miracle.”
“And she’s so happy,” I whisper these words that are both dirty and true and precious at the same time; a paradox too painful to carry inside me. “I want her to be happy, but I want her to be happy with me. But if she can’t be happy with me, then I just want her to be happy.”
Chris takes my hand in both of his and I close my eyes as I try to imagine what the next few months or years will be like, trying to forget the joy I felt for that brief moment when I held her in my arms. I’ll have to just keep reminding myself of all the joy and love both Abby and I feel every day.
“This was not an easy decision, but it’s the right decision,” Chris says as he squeezes my hand, and when I look up he’s looking straight at me. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned recently, it’s that sometimes letting someone go is the ultimate act of love.”
I throw my arms around his neck and squeeze him as tight as I can. He returns my embrace with just as much vigor.
“I won’t ever let you go again,” I whisper in his ear.
“What about me?” Jackie says, and I reluctantly release my grip on Chris so I can look at her.
“What about you?” Chris asks.
“Do I get a hug?” she replies, and I bolt up from my chair. She stands up and I can wrap my arms tightly around her middle. “Oh, Claire. I can see the fear in your eyes. I don’t want you to be afraid of me.”
“I’m just so afraid that you’ll always resent me for what I did, but I really just did what I thought was best for Chris and Abby. I’m sorry.” She strokes my hair as I hold her tightly. “I’m so sorry.”
She lets go of me and grabs both my hands as she looks me in the eye. “I know the pain will become less sharp as the years go by. I also know that whatever pain I’m feeling, you two are feeling it tenfold, so I’m just happy to see you two haven’t given up on each other. I know a little about losing a child and I know you two will need each other more than anyone else in the coming months and years. Just promise me you’ll never leave us again.”
“You’ll have to change your name and move out of the country to get rid of me.”
She smiles and kisses my forehead. “I love you. Don’t you ever doubt that.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Chris
Christmas Day: I’ve been waiting for this day for over four months, since the day I ran into Claire at the Home Sweet Home concert in Raleigh. Today, I’m giving Claire a gift I’ve been working on for years.
I already gave the gift to my mom for her to wrap it. She cried like a baby when she realized what it was. I hope Claire loves it and finally understands how I never stopped loving her.
Claire and I take our time showering together, both of us wearing mischievous grins that hide the secrets of the gifts we have planned for each other.
I sweep her hair over her shoulder and rub body wash over her back. “I’ll tell you what I’m giving you if you tell me what you’re giving me?”
She shakes her head adamantly. “Nope. If I tell you, it will completely ruin the gift. I want to see a genuine reaction when I hand it to you.”
I kiss the back of her neck, which tastes clean and a little sweet. My hands glide over the wet skin on her belly and under her breasts.
She tilts her head to the side, opening her neck to me as I cup her breasts in my hands.
“You can’t give me a little hint?” I trace my tongue down the length of her neck and she gasps as I bite her shoulder. “I promise I’ll act surprised.”
I slide my hand down between her legs and she moans as I stroke her gently.
“No, I’m not telling you,” she says breathlessly.
I caress her steadily and she lets out a soft whine as she bends over, priming herself to receive me. I slide into her from behind and she whimpers as she presses her hands against the wall for support. No matter how many times I make love to Claire, it never feels the same. Wrapped up inside of her, I feel as if I’m the man I always wanted to be; the man who was lucky enough to get and keep a girl as beautiful as Claire.
“Harder,” she begs. I grasp her hips to thrust deeper and she gasps. “Don’t. Stop.”
She whimpers every time I hit her core, but this position always gets me and soon I have to slow down so I don’t explode. Moving firmly in and out of her, I roll my hips slowly as I stretch her, savoring the way I fit so tightly inside of her. I reach around to stroke her clit as I dip in and out, diving into the depths of her. With every movement of my finger, her cries come sharper and the muscles in her stomach contract under my hand. She releases a piercing cry of pleasure, but I continue stroking her lightly as I move inside of her. Finally, she screams my name, begging me to stop.
“Tell me what you got me for Christmas.”
She laughs as she squirms in my arms. “No! Oh, my God. Please stop!”
I keep my arm locked tightly around her waist as I come. It takes a moment for both our bodies to stop convulsing, then we sit back on the shower floor together to catch our breath.
“Merry Christmas, babe,” I whisper in her ear.
“That better not be your Christmas gift.”
“Oh, God. Please stop,” I tease her and she elbows me in the ribs. “Ow! Of course, that’s not my Christmas gift. My gift won’t be quite so wet.”
When we pull into the driveway at my mom’s house, the house that we all once shared together as a family, I grab Claire’s knee to stop her from getting out of the car.
“What’s wrong?” she asks, her teeth chattering from the freezing temperatures.
It’s supposed to snow tonight. I’m not looking forward to driving home through that, but it will be our first snow together since we’ve been back together. I miss watching the snowfall outside my window with Claire.
“Nothing’s wrong. I just need to say something before we go in there.”
