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I can barely breathe as I turn the pages and see the names of songs he used to sing to me before we broke up. Each song is bursting with the emotions and memories of the love we shared and lost. After about forty pages, I come to a song I don’t recognize.
“What’s this?”
“It’s the first song I wrote after we broke up.”
“Telescope”
The darkest night
The brightest light
Is still in you
You see through me
You see me through
The colors too
But you’re so far away
Distance is not my friend
So close but so far away
No light at the end
Of this telescope
The deepest truth
The hardest proof
Is still with you
You set me up
You point me out
And then you’re through
But I’m so far away
Distance is not your friend
So close, maybe I should stay
No light at the end
Of this telescope
No eye at the end
Of this telescope
“I don’t know what to say,” I whisper as I flip through the pages. “Part of me wants to read every single word and another part of me doesn’t want to know what I did to you.”
“What we did to each other. You said it before: No one knows how to love me like you and no one knows how to hurt me like you.”
“You remember that.”
“Of course, I remember, and I hope I never forget it. I hope you don’t either because the sentiment goes both ways. You shattered my heart, but only because I knew you were the only one who could fix it, and you were gone. I lost hope, but those days are over. And you remind me of that every day just in the way you look at me.”
I continue flipping through the pages and the lyrics become darker with each page I turn.
“There are over fifty songs I wrote while we were broken up, and a new song I wrote last week, but I don’t want you to read that one yet. You have to promise you won’t look at the last page in the book.”
“Are you seriously asking me not to look?”
“Chris, that’s cruel,” Jackie says, giving him a severe look of disapproval. “At least take the song out of the book if she can’t look at it.”
“No, don’t take it out. I want to see it.”
Chris laughs as he attempts to take the book out of my hands, but I tighten my grip. “Let go. I don’t want you to peek. You’re not ready to see it yet.”
“I hate you,” I mutter as I let go of the book and he sets it down gently inside the red box.
“I hate you harder.”
I look at Jackie and we exchange a look because we both know it’s time for me to give Chris his gift. Suddenly, my stomach cramps up with nerves and Chris can sense the shift.
“What’s going on? Are you two keeping a secret from me?”
Jackie raises an eyebrow, trying to look unimpressed with Chris’s deductive reasoning skills. She takes a seat on the arm of the chair where Joel is seated and it warms my heart to see him instinctively lean in toward her. But I’m still nervous as hell.
“I’ll be right back,” I say as I stand from the sofa and retrieve Chris’s car keys from the table by the front door.
“Where are you going? The mall is closed,” Chris teases me, but I’m too nervous to acknowledge his joke as I walk outside and close the front door behind me.
As soon as I look out, I’m mesmerized by the fine layer of snow that covers everything from the front lawn and down to the end of the street. I quickly open the door to call Chris and he’s just inside the door putting his coat on.
“It’s snowing,” I say excitedly.
“I can see that.”
He follows me outside with my coat in his hands and I slip my arms into the sleeves as he holds it up for me.
“Come with me,” I say, taking his hand and yanking him toward the driveway where his Porsche is parked.
I deactivate the alarm and he laughs. “Are we going somewhere?”
“This is where I hid your gift.”
“You hid my Christmas gift in my car?”
“It was the one place I knew you wouldn’t look.”
I pop the hood open for the trunk and quickly make my way to the front of the car. I feel under the top-left part of the trunk and quickly find the small box I taped there. As soon as I rip off the tape, my heart begins to pound wildly against my chest.
Chris sees the box and his face changes. The excitement he was feeling just a moment ago is gone.
“Why are you giving that back to me?”
“No, I’m not giving it back.”
“Then what are you doing?”
The snow falls all around us and I close my eyes as I silently wish with all my might that it’s the ghosts of our past falling away. My hand trembles as I open my eyes and hold the box out to him. He eyes it warily, but he doesn’t take it.
“I’ve been secretly spending a lot of time with this ring,” I say, my voice shaky with nerves and the cold that penetrates my coat and seeps into my bones.
He chuckles softly. “What have you been doing with it?”
“Oh, you know, just wearing it around the house every second you’re gone, while I play dress-up and have tea with my dolls.”
“That’s so fucking creepy.”
I smile as my entire body trembles. “I can’t help it. This ring is a symbol of everything I’ve always wanted with you.” I take a deep breath that comes out in a big cloud of steam. “Ever since you proposed to me two months ago, I’ve thought about what our lives would be like if I had said yes. And I’ve regretted saying no from the moment I said it. Then Senia said something to me last week that made me realize what an idiot I’ve been by holding onto this ring. She said, ‘You and Chris need to stop pretending like you’re not going to be together for the rest of your lives.’” Chris laughs and I nod. “Yeah, typical Senia, but she hit the nail on the head. I need to stop pretending this isn’t forever…. I want you to put this ring on my finger. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want all those dreams we have for ourselves and for each other to come true. And I want—”
Before I can finish my next sentence, he grabs my face and kisses me hard. I drop the ring box as my limbs turn to jelly at my sides. His lips are warm and taste like pumpkin pie. I reach up to wrap my arms around his neck just as the sound of applause reaches us. Chris and I both turn toward the sound. Joel is clapping while Jackie covers her mouth and sobs.
Chris looks at me and smiles as he kneels down to retrieve the box from the snow. “I can’t believe you just proposed to me.”
He takes the ring out of the box and tosses the box over his shoulder. I hold out my left hand and he smiles as he slowly slides the ring onto my finger. He lays a soft kiss on my hand and the crooked smile on his face could melt snow.
Standing up, he brushes some snow off my hair then kisses my cold nose. “Is this the part of the marriage proposal where I start screaming and jumping up and down?”
“Only if you truly love me.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Adam
The phone call from Tina leaves my stomach in knots as I attempt to finish out the workday so I can call Claire. I pack up my laptop and, just as I’m closing my office door, Maddie calls my name from further down the corridor. She’s walking toward me with a fruit basket.
“Hey, Maddie,” I say as I begin making my way toward the front office so I can leave.
