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I call Chris when I’m a few minutes from the apartment to see if he’s home. When I pull into the underground parking space, he’s leaning against a concrete column waiting for me. I park the car and he opens my door, as if he can’t wait for me to do it myself. I look up at him and he looks a little scared, like he expects me to blurt out that I’m leaving him for Adam.
I smile at him and sigh as he smiles back. “I’m so happy to be home,” I say as I grab my purse, where the pregnancy test is tucked safely inside.
Stepping out of the car, I wrap my arms around his waist as I nuzzle my face into the crook of his neck. He feels so solid and warm.
“You said what you needed to say?” he asks as he takes my car keys and activates the car alarm.
I grab his hand as we walk toward the elevator. “Yeah. And I promised Cora I would visit her in Idaho. Is that okay?”
“Of course. Anything you want is okay.”
“Anything?”
He presses the call button for the elevator and grins. “What are you thinking?”
My stomach clenches inside me as I think of the pregnancy test in my purse. “Chris, I wasn’t going to tell you this, but I want to be one hundred percent honest with you. I don’t want us to have any more secrets.”
The elevator doors slide open and he looks worried as I pull him into the cabin. “What is it you want to tell me?”
“I’m late.”
His brow furrows as he attempts to work out what this means. “Do you mean… your period is late?”
I nod and take a deep breath. “It’s probably nothing because we’ve been pretty careful, but I got a test just to be sure. I’m going to take it right now.”
“Wow….”
I look down at the floor. “I didn’t want to tell you because of everything that happened with Abigail. But on the way here I realized that I can’t keep stuff like that from you any more. Even if we’re disappointed or surprised by the results, we should face this stuff together, right?”
He stares into my eyes for a moment, not saying anything, and I begin to worry that maybe I shouldn’t have told him. Finally, his lips curl into a faint, guarded smile, as if he’s trying not to smile.
“I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I’d be lying if I said that the idea of you carrying my baby doesn’t make me want to jump in the air and click my heels together.”
I laugh as I imagine this. “I don’t want you to get your hopes up either. Hell, I don’t want to get my hopes up.”
“Is that what you want? Do you want to have a baby?”
“No. I mean, I don’t think I’m ready right now. But I will admit I’ve been thinking about it for the past few days and… I keep thinking of how having you with me this time would make everything so different than the last time. And I want that. I want to share that with you.”
The elevator doors open and we’re silent as we make our way down the corridor to our apartment. He opens the door and I breathe in the scent of home. I love that smell. I set my purse down on the kitchen counter and Chris joins me in the kitchen after he locks the front door.
He helps me out of my coat then looks me in the eye. “Go ahead and take the test and we’ll talk about it after that. Whatever the result, we’re in it together this time, so you have nothing to worry about.”
I kiss him before I disappear into the bathroom and attempt not to freak out as I read the instructions for the test. I follow the instructions then set the test on the counter. I consider waiting in the bathroom, but I don’t think I could sit alone in here for five minutes. I wash my hands and go out to join Chris in the bedroom.
“You’re done?” he asks as he pulls off his shirt.
“No. I have a few minutes to wait, but I didn’t want to wait in there.”
I sit on the edge of the bed and he sits next to me. “Are you nervous?”
“Yes.”
“This is probably something we should discuss, even if you’re not pregnant.”
“What do you want to discuss?”
“What would happen? With school and with us.”
“What do you mean? What do you think would happen to us?”
“I don’t mean we’d break up, but we can’t raise a baby in an apartment.”
“I guess we’d have to move.”
“But what about school?”
I pause as I recall the conversation I had with Dr. Goldberg a couple of weeks ago that ended with me scheduling an appointment with an academic advisor. I’ve been holding off on telling Chris because I wanted to save the news for a special moment. New Year’s Eve seemed like the perfect time to tell him, but I wonder if right now would be better.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks with a smile.
I try not to grin too broadly. “I’ll tell you later. I have to go check the results now.”
“Can I go in there with you?”
“Of course.”
My hand trembles as I grab the test off the vanity in the bathroom and hold it up for both of us to see: One pink line. Not two.
“I’m not pregnant.”
I toss the test into the small trashcan next to the toilet and head for the door, but Chris grabs my hand to stop me from leaving.
“Are you disappointed?” he asks.
I turn to face him and the confused look on his face makes my stomach cramp. “I know it’s stupid because we’re totally not ready for a baby, but yeah. I’m disappointed. I’ve been fantasizing about what it would be like, and I know it won’t be perfect. I know it will remind us of Abigail, but I also know it would be beautiful. I just really wanted to see that joy that I saw on your face when you held Abigail.”
“I love that you said that.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re thinking of
my happiness. You’re always thinking of me.”
For some reason, him saying this aloud makes me blush with embarrassment, as if he’s just undressed my soul. He’s right, I’m always thinking of his happiness. I don’t think I even notice when I’m doing it.
“That’s because you’re my real life hero,” I say as I drape my arms over his shoulders and rest my forehead against his. “How do you feel? Are you disappointed?”
“Yes, but I know as long as I keep studying and drinking my Capri-Sun, I’ll grow up big and strong and we’ll make lots of babies.”
He kisses the tip of my nose and I lick his chin. “Yum,” I murmur. He chuckles as he locks his arms around my waist, then I wrap my legs around his hips as he lifts me off the floor. “Ooh, you don’t need Capri-Sun. You’re already strong.”
I rest my head on his shoulder as he carries me out of the bathroom and walks straight through the bedroom toward the kitchen.
“It would have been nice to be surprised with a baby,” he says as he sits me on top of the kitchen counter then goes to the refrigerator. “But I have a surprise I think you’ll like just as much.”
He opens the refrigerator and pulls out a box of Capri-Sun. He sets it next to me on the countertop and starts taking out every pouch of juice in the box.
“I’m not really into that stuff like you are,” I say and he smiles as he removes the last pouch.
He reaches into the box again and pulls out a small black box. “My mom wanted me to give you this for Christmas, but you hadn’t proposed to me yet so I thought the songbook would be better.” He lifts the lid on the box revealing a gold necklace with a teardrop pearl pendant suspended in the center of a diamond-encrusted gold ring. This is the necklace I’ve seen Jackie wear on special occasions. “You know both my grandparents are gone, but this was my grandmother’s wedding ring. My mom had it made into a necklace after my grandma died so she could keep it close to her heart. She wants you to use it as your wedding ring.”
I rub my finger over the smooth pearl and smile. “It’s beautiful, but we haven’t even set a date.”
“It’s okay. She still needs to take it to the jeweler so he can take out the pendant and turn it back into a ring. Do you want it?”
I nod and he replaces the lid on the box then sets it aside. “Well, that takes care of the ‘something old’ part. Now we just need something new, borrowed, and blue.”
“When do you want to get married?”
He shrugs as he puts the drinks back into the box. “Your birthday’s in seven months, but it will be too hot to get married in August. Maybe we could do it in April then my birthday gift will come early when I take you on the honeymoon during Spring Break.”
Chris’s birthday is in May, but he doesn’t know that I’ve been planning a much better gift than a honeymoon during Spring Break.
“April sounds good,” I reply. “It’s not going to be a huge wedding. We can totally put it together in three months.”
He puts the box of Capri-Sun back in the fridge then he grabs my knees and spreads my legs apart. He grins as he wraps his arms around me and slides me forward until my butt is on the edge of the counter. “I honestly don’t care where, when, or how we get married as long as it’s just you and me and the people we love. No reporters or photographers or hundreds of people we don’t know.”
I run my fingers through his hair and he closes his eyes. “I’ll ask Senia and
