And then, when everything was tidy again, Brad and Lindsay left. On the elevator ride back to the lobby, Lindsay said. “So, uh. Can we talk?”
“Sure,” said Brad, though he looked wary. “Where?”
“Let’s get a car to my place.”
***
Brad was not at all sure going home with Lindsay was a good idea, but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to say no.
They were mostly silent in the car. It stopped in front of a nondescript brick building. Lindsay led him inside to her second-floor apartment, which was very pretty but very small. Lindsay had never struck him as excessively girlie, but the apartment had bright-white walls that she’d offset with pops of purple and pink in her furniture: purple throw pillows, pink curtains, and a big vase full of pink and purple gerbera daisies on the kitchen counter. The apartment wasn’t much more than a studio with a little sleeping alcove, but Lindsay had organized the space well, with a desk near the kitchen—the only surface with any clutter and probably the place Lindsay spent the most time—a sofa facing the TV, and her bed with a purple bedspread in the alcove.
“This is nice,” he said.
“It’s small. I’m not exactly raking it in as a food writer, although the job at theForumcame with a very nice raise.”
“Well, that’s something.”
A tuxedo cat who was on the small side trotted out to greet them. After the cat rubbed himself on Lindsay’s shins, he gave Brad a once-over.
“Hello there, fine fellow,” Brad said to the cat and immediately felt silly.
Lindsay didn’t seem to notice. “That’s Fred Astaire the cat.”
“Right, of course.” Brad knelt down to pat the cat’s head. Fred Astaire let himself be petted but eyed Brad the whole time like he didn’t trust him. Then he ran across the apartment and hopped up on Lindsay’s bed.
Lindsay said, “Look, I feel bad about how we ended things two weeks ago.”
Brad was suddenly exhausted. He was tired of trying to hash this out with her. He apparently couldn’t resist her enough to say no to coming to her place tonight, but he didn’t want to have the same fight again. So he decided to cut her off at the pass. “You trust me or you don’t. It’s that simple.”
She looked at him for a long time. “I’ve missed talking to you the last couple of weeks. It turns out I kind of got used to having you back in my life.”
“Lindsay…”
“I know, okay? I know what you need from me. You must realize now how hard that is. But I–I do trust you.”
He wasn’t sure he believed her. It felt a little strange for the tables to be turned in this way. Now she was telling him what he wanted to hear in order to get him to stay. But did she really mean it?
He sat on the sofa. His heart ached. He’d never been very good at being stoic or cutting off his emotions. He’d loved her fiercely once, he was falling in love with her again, and he wanted her in his life, but not if it was this fucking hard. “I don’t want to argue with you anymore.”
“I’m not arguing.”
“What kind of future do we even have together? Say we do actually get back together. You’re always going to have an eye on me. I love spending time with you, but we also both have lives apart from each other, and I need you to trust that I will always come home to you. And if I have your trust, I will never abuse it, but I’m going to live my life, too. I’m going to network and talk to people and, yes, probably flirt. And you need to know that it doesn’t mean anything because you’re the most important person in my life.” He sighed, realizing what he’d just said. “Theoretically. And I’m going to fuck up and make mistakes, and you will too, but we can have adult conversations about those things rather than making assumptions based on old baggage and not on the reality in front of us.”
Lindsay looked a little surprised. She nodded slowly. “I’m getting there.”
“Okay. I want to get back together, but I’m tired of jumping through hoops for you.”
“What hoops?”
“If you don’t want to be with me, just say it, and I’ll go home and stop bothering you.”
“Brad, come on.”
He sat up straight and looked at her. She sat beside him on the sofa and looked at the floor.
“You come on, Linds. I’ve been throwing myself at you for weeks. I told you I wanted to get back together. You keep saying it didn’t work out before, so there’s no reason it will now. Youdon’ttrust me, as illustrated by that night two weeks ago. So, fine, I’m done trying to get you back. You don’t want me, I’ll go.”
Lindsay pressed her lips together. Brad was about to get up and leave when she said, “Of course I want you back. OfcourseI do. We were in love once, and I think we could easily fall back into that, but… Getting over you was so hard that I never fully did, and now that you’re back in my life, I don’t want to let you go again, but I have to guard my heart.”
