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model. She’s always looked up to me and, unfortunately, I haven’t always set the best example.
“What happened?” I ask her as she sits up straight in the mauve chair.
“She took too many of those pain pills the doctor gave her,” Molly replies.
From the corner of my eye, I can see Elaine leaning forward as if she’s going to get in on this conversation. She knows I won’t speak to her. I haven’t spoken to her in nine years. I don’t care if she thinks her presence here earns her Brownie points. There’s no good deed she can do that will ever make me think she is anything other than a selfish, depraved human being.
“Is she okay?” I ask, still unsure whether I want to take a seat next to Molly.
“Yeah. They know she wasn’t trying to commit suicide because they have her medical records, so we don’t have to wait for the psychiatrist to check her out. They’re just keeping her here for another few hours until her blood pressure comes back up, then we can take her home.”
“She needs someone to keep an eye on her.”
Elaine’s voice makes my skin prickle. Molly glances at her then back to me, foolishly wondering if I’m going to respond.
“I’m going to the cafeteria. You want to come with me?” I ask Molly and she nods as she stands from the chair.
After a long silence, punctuated by the occasional squeak of our sneakers against the shiny floor in the hospital corridors, Molly finally says something. And what she says makes me sick.
“I think you should talk to her.”
She doesn’t have to say her name for me to know she’s talking about Elaine. I pretend not to hear her, but she doesn’t give up.
“I’m serious. Do you want Grandma to die thinking that you never spoke to her again?”
“Don’t use Grandma in your emotional blackmail scheme.”
“You’re so selfish.”
I get a flash of pain in my chest at these words spoken from Molly’s lips. “Don’t say that.”
“I’m sorry,” she says as we turn into the cafeteria. Her face scrunches up as if she’s trying to keep from crying. “I’m just so scared of having to live with her.”
“That will never happen. Go sit down. I’ll get you something.”
She rolls her eyes as she heads for a table in the corner. I make my way through the cafeteria line behind two other bleary-eyed patrons. I grab a couple of turkey sandwiches from the refrigerator case and some juice. When I arrive at the table with my tray of food, Molly’s elbows are propped on the table and her face is buried in her hands.
“Eat your turkey dinner,” I order her, but she doesn’t move. Then I see the glistening puddle of tears on the surface of the table.
“She’s gonna die,” she whispers. “Why?”
“Because life fucking sucks.”
“Not the answer I wanted.”
“It’s the truth.” I unwrap the plastic wrap on her turkey sandwich and push the tray toward her. “You can’t expect anything good to last or you’ll always be disappointed. Everything dies.”
She groans as she wipes the tears from her eyes and looks up. “Why do you have to say stuff like that?”
“You need to be prepared.”
“You need to talk to Elaine and tell her I’m going to live with you. She was blabbing to me in the waiting room about how nice her new apartment in Durham is.”
“Nice compared to what? A fucking cardboard box?”
“I don’t want to live with her. She said she has a new boyfriend.”
“You’re not going to live with her.”
I lean back in the uncomfortable steel chair and try not to think of what I’ll have to do to prevent Molly from being placed with Elaine. No one knows what Elaine is capable of except for me. Everyone thinks she’s just a drug addict with a long list of ex-boyfriends and STDs. If I have to tell everyone the kind of person she really is, I will do it – for Molly’s sake. I’ve never told anyone, not even Chris, about the summer before seventh grade.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I pull it out immediately. When I see the name on the screen, it’s as if the clouds have parted and shined a light on this tiny corner of the hospital cafeteria. Then I read the message and I resist the urge to throw my phone across the room.
Senia: Thanks for the kind message. Now kindly stop texting me. I’m not interested in being one of your concubines.
I probably don’t deserve anything better than this from Senia, but it still feels like a kick in the nuts right now. In any case, I don’t have it in me to chase her any more. It was sort of fun for the last twelve days to bug her with cheesy text messages, but it just feels stupid and pathetic now.
Me: Whatever you say.
Molly stands up and I grab her hand before she can leave. “Where are you going?”
“I have to go to the restroom. Want to join me?”
“You think that’s funny, but I actually—”
“Potty-trained me. I know. You’ve told me a million times. It’s gross.”
“Get out of here before I tell everyone in this cafeteria about the time you shit in Grandma’s flower pot.”
“There’s no one here.”
“Then I’ll write a song about it.”
“You haven’t written anything in years,” she mutters, then she walks away.
My phone vibrates again and a tremor of regret reverberates inside me for all the ways I haven’t been good enough for Molly. I must be such a fucking disappointment to her. I used to write songs for her all the time and I’d sing her to sleep. I stopped writing three years ago. It’s pointless. No one needs me to write songs. They need me to play my fucking instrument and bring the band the occasional bit of bad press.
I turn my phone over on the table to check the screen and this message brings the faintest hint of a smile to my lips.
Senia: Are you okay?
Me: No. I’m at the hospital.
Senia: What’s wrong?
I don’t have to tell her anything. Something tells me that Senia will probably come running to my side if I speak the right empty promises. But I really don’t feel like fucking her.
I just need to talk.
Me: Can I call you later?
She makes me wait a torturous forty minutes for her response. Molly is back from the restroom and seated across from me, using my phone to text her friends, but even Molly smiles when she sees the text message pop up on my screen.
Senia: Fine. But you’d better not tell me you’re pregnant.
Chapter Nine
Once the doctor releases Grandma, I help her to my car and Molly climbs into the backseat. Grandma’s blood pressure was still on the low side, so they asked us to keep a close eye on her and to make sure she gets plenty of rest.
“Molly will make the turkey tomorrow,” I assure her as she leans her head back and closes her eyes.
“The turkey’s been sitting there in that brine for too long. It’s no good any more,” she replies softly. “I’m sorry I screwed up. I just didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t fall asleep.”
“Grandma, why don’t you just try the chemo?”
“Because it won’t do a damn thing but make me sicker. I don’t want you two cleaning up my messes. I just want to go quietly.”
Molly sniffles loudly in the backseat and I resist the urge to look in the rearview mirror. I don’t want to see what this is doing to her.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Grandma says, reaching into the backseat to comfort Molly. “I don’t mean to scare you.”
“Too late,” Molly grumbles. “Can you take me to Carissa’s?”
“No, you’re staying home with me and Grandma.”
She groans roughly, the sound garbled by the tears clogging her throat.
“Just take her to her friend’s house,” Grandma insists.
I crane my neck a little to get a look at Molly in the rearview mirror and I find her hugging her knees, tears streaming down her cheeks. Normally,
I’d tell her to get her dirty shoes off my leather seats, but she doesn’t need that; she needs a friend.
After I drop her off at Carissa’s, Grandma and I arrive home a few minutes later and I’m overcome with a pang of guilt as I remember that I never brought Grandma the brown sugar or cider she asked for. I help her out of the car, though she keeps insisting I stop all this fussing over her.
By the time she’s taken a bath and slid under her covers, I’ve cleaned up all the half-prepared food in the kitchen and refrigerator – to purge the house of all reminders. Then I sit back on the sofa and sigh. This is it. The moment I’ve been looking forward to and dreading all day.
