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‘I have to leave us something to strive for.’
He places his hands on the pillow on either side of my head and leans down to kiss me. I can taste myself all over his mouth and I don’t mind. I’m part of him now. And soon he’ll be a part of me.
‘Are you ready?’ His eyes are locked on mine.
I nod as I open my legs a little wider. ‘I’m ready.’
‘Just keep your eyes open and locked on me so I know whether I’m hurting you.’
He lowers himself down onto his elbows so our noses are almost touching, then his hand reaches down between us to guide himself in. He only makes it in an inch or so before he meets heavy resistance.
‘Are you okay?’ I nod and he nods back. ‘I’m going to go very slow, okay?’
I nod again, unable to speak. He kisses my forehead and I reach up to hold his face as he looks into my eyes. He moves slowly in and out of me, just a sliver of an inch farther with each stroke.
‘I love you.’
He smiles and kisses my nose. ‘I love you.’
‘Kiss me.’ He looks hesitant about not being able to see my face, to know if he’s hurting me, but that’s exactly what I want. ‘Please.’
He leans in to kiss me and it doesn’t take long for the whole world to fall away. I coil my arms tightly around his neck as I wrap my legs around his hips, coaxing him farther into me. I gasp into his mouth, but I hold onto him firmly so he can’t pull away.
‘Don’t stop.’ I whisper this plea into his mouth, then I kiss him hard.
The pain is bearable.
‘Just breathe in,’ he whispers, sliding a few inches into me, ‘and breathe out.’ He slides out and my muscles relax. I grip his arms, amazed at how solid they feel. ‘Keep your eyes on mine. Don’t look anywhere else. Just look at me.’
I take a deeper breath as he slides in a bit further and I groan.
He freezes. ‘Are you okay?’
I nod and he leans forward to lay a soft kiss on my eyebrow. ‘Please tell me if I hurt you.’
‘I will.’
He brushes his lips across my brow and down my temple, then he kisses my cheekbone. Tilting his head back, he looks me in the eye again as he eases himself a little farther inside and I dig my nails into his shoulders.
‘Is that okay?’
‘Yes.’ I slide my hands over his shoulders and up his neck until I have his face in my grasp. ‘You could never hurt me.’
He groans, fighting to keep his eyes open as he gets closer to orgasm. His arms begin to tremble and I can see it’s taking quite a bit of effort for him to continue to move so slowly. But he never breaks eye contact as his hips thrust into me, stretching me ever so gently. I find myself already thinking of the next time we get to have sex. This is the way it’s supposed to feel; the closeness and the primal connection of skin on skin; pleasure for pleasure.
His grunts softly as he lets go inside of me and I smile, through my panting.
The pain is bearable.
My first indication that something is very wrong is the smell. I can smell Mikki’s hair, but it’s mixed with something else. Fabric softener. I open my eyes and panic sets in when I see the guitars hanging on the wall on my right. The smell is coming from my freshly laundered sheets.
‘Fuck,’ I whisper this, but it’s enough to wake Mikki.
‘What’s going on?’ She lifts her head off my chest and squints at her surroundings. ‘Oh my God! What time is it?’
‘We have to get up now or we’re going to miss the flight.’ I glance at the clock on my nightstand. ‘It’s seven twenty-six. We have an hour and forty-five minutes to get to the hotel and pack our suitcases and head to the airport. Then we’ll have to hope that we make it through security in time for the nine-fifteen flight.’
‘Then we’d better hurry up. You can’t miss that flight!’ She throws the covers off, but I grab her hand before she can hop out of bed.
‘Hey. How are you feeling?’
She stares at me for a moment and I hope she’s not trying to think of a lie. ‘A little sore.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t apologize.’ Her eyes begin to tear up and she takes a breath to compose herself. ‘I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to describe what you did for me last night. Please don’t ever think you have to be sorry for that. The pain is just a subtle reminder of how alive you made me feel.’
My chest swells with warmth. ‘God, I fuckin’ love you.’
By the time we’re dressed and we’ve made it down to the curb, my heart is hammering against my chest. Kane has agreed to move my appointment today from three o’clock to five o’clock today. But I won’t make it if I don’t catch this flight. Mikki and I should have brought our luggage to my apartment, but I was certain we’d go back to the hotel room. I didn’t think we were going to get completely lost in each other last night.
She’s still trying to pull on her gloves as we wait for the car. I reach over to help her. It’s freezing out here; negative fifty-two, factoring in wind-chill.
‘I hope they don’t cancel the flight again.’ She says this through chattering teeth.
I pull the strings on her hood a bit tighter and plant a soft kiss on her lips. ‘If they cancel our flight, then we’ll charter a plan.’
Her eyes light up at this suggestion. ‘And we won’t have to sit in separate cabin.’
‘When we get on the flight, we can trade seats.’
She shakes her head adamantly. ‘Nope. I’d like to enjoy my final flight in coach, cause I know we’re flying first class from here on out, right?’
‘We’ll buy a plane if that will make you happy.’
‘You know how to fly a plane?’
‘No, but I can learn. And I didn’t mean that kind of plane. I meant a jet. Someone else would fly the plane while we enjoy the flight.’ She rolls her eyes and I kiss her temple as the black town car rounds the corner. ‘Watch your step.’
I open the door for her to get in, then I round the back of the car to the other side. Slamming the door shut, I reach across and grab Mikki’s gloved hand.
‘Forget the seatbelt. Come here.’
She looks relieved that I’ve invited her to cuddle with me. It’s too cold, even with the heater on in this car, to sit two feet away from the one you love. I reach into my pocket and pull out my crushed penny guitar pick. Rubbing it between my fingers, I think of how proud Grandpa Hugh would be if he could see me making my own way instead of depending on my father.
Mikki reaches up and grabs the penny from my fingers. ‘The copper’s all green from your sweaty fingers. I’m going to get you some new guitar picks – custom-engraved with “Crush picked me”. Then you can throw them out into the crowd at concerts and all the girls will swoon.’
‘This is my lucky pick.’ I take the pick back from her and tuck it into my pocket. ‘And I don’t care about driving the girls wild.’
‘But that’s what makes you successful,’ she insists. ‘You don’t have to sleep with them to make them think you want to. You have to appear totally into your music while you’re performing, but flash a little smile here and there. It tells them you’re enjoying their presence.’
‘Since when do you know so much about performing for a crowd?’
‘I don’t. I just watch a lot of live performances on YouTube.’
I tilt her head up and I can see a bit of sadness and embarrassment at this admission. ‘You’ve never been to a concert?’ She shakes her head. ‘I’m taking you to a concert in L.A.’
She smiles. ‘You’re going to be pretty busy making up for all the things I haven’t done.’
‘Spring semester doesn’t start for more than two weeks. We’ve got time.’
Her smile disappears and she pulls back a little. ‘What’s going to happen when we’re both back in school?’
‘I don’t know. I can make it down to Brockton to see you at least a couple of times a week. And definitely every weekend, except some Sundays
when I’m performing.’
‘Where do you perform? Wally’s?’
‘I go to Wally’s a lot, but I don’t perform there all the time. I’ll probably take you there pretty often so you can get comfortable with those guys. Is that okay?’
‘Yes, but where do you perform?’
‘I’m in the Sunday Band. It’s one of two jazz bands at Harvard. We do local jazz festivals and university events. Sometimes we only perform once a month and sometimes it’s every weekend for a few weeks in a row. Just depends on what’s going on.’
‘Sunday? That means you have Saturdays free. So . . .’ Her eyes are focused on her lap as she takes a beat. ‘Will I be able to spend the night at your apartment on Fridays?’
‘You can spend the night at my apartment every night.’
She looks up at me, a tiny smile forming on her gorgeous lips, but she doesn’t say anything. She just needed to hear me say the words aloud, whether or not she’ll actually take me up on the offer. Sometimes, you just have to reassure the ones you love in precise language that you’ll always be there. Sometimes words are enough.
