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He went along for photos after the ceremony, primarily as an escape route. He listened as Channing’s father rhapsodized about the T-Bird, and did his best to keep up his end.
Then he broke away to find a place in the side garden, to sit in the frosted night and breathe.
She found him there. She was out of breath, coatless, her usual composure shattered.
“Malcolm.”
“Look, they don’t need me for the dinner deal. I’m taking a goddamn break.”
“Malcolm.” She dropped down beside him, took his hand. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know the Franks were coming. I didn’t spot them until I did a walk-through at dinner. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“You could be sorry if you’d invited them. Since you didn’t, it’s not your thing.”
“I got you into this. I wish I’d—”
“It’s no big deal.”
“I’ll fix it. I’ll make an excuse to Channing and Leah so you can—”
“And let them have the satisfaction of running me off, again? I don’t fucking think so. I’m just taking a goddamn break, Parker. Give me some space.”
She released his hand, rose.
“Not everybody wants you to handle the details, to fix every damn thing.”
“You’re right.”
“And don’t be so damn agreeable. I know when I’m out of line, and I’m out of line.”
“You’re upset. I understand—”
“I don’t want you to understand. You don’t understand. How could you? This doesn’t have anything to do with you. Did anyone every knock you around when you weren’t able to fight back?”
“No.”
“Tell you, over and over until you started to believe it, that you’re useless, you’re stupid, worthless. That if you didn’t fall in line, you’d be out on the street?”
“No.” But that didn’t mean her heart couldn’t break, her blood couldn’t boil for the child who’d lived through it.
“So you don’t understand. Hell, I don’t understand why my way of coping with it was to do my level best to make it worse, to look for trouble, and to blame my mother, who didn’t know what was going on because I was too afraid or proud or both to tell her.”
She said nothing. She understood now, or hoped she did, that to push meant he’d simply close up. So she said nothing. She just listened.
“I made it as hard on her as I could for as long as I could. And if I wasn’t giving her grief, he was, or his bitch of a wife was. She took it because she was trying to keep a roof over my head, give me a family, because she was trying to get through the grief of losing my father. And I blamed her for that, too. Let’s just pile it on her.Why should she have a life? Artie’s working her like a dog because he could. Her own goddamn brother. And we were supposed to be grateful.
“More than two years of that, every day a misery. I’m just waiting, just waiting until I’m old enough, strong enough, to kick his ass and get the hell out.Then she does it for me. After all that, she does it for me. She comes home early from work one night. Sick. He’d had her pulling doubles and just wore her out. And he’s got me up against the wall, his hand around my throat, slapping me. He liked to slap because it’s more humiliating than a fist and doesn’t leave a mark.”
Someone had stepped out on one of the terraces, and a trill of female laughter floated out on the frosted air.
Malcolm stared toward the house, the lights, the laughter, but she doubted he saw the glow or heard the joy.
“I saw her come in. She was white as a sheet. Until she saw us, and then everything about her went on fire. I’d never seen her move that fast. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anybody move that fast. She yanked him off me. She was bone-thin. He had to have sixty pounds on her, but she yanked him right off his fucking feet, and he landed halfway across the room. She dared him to get up, dared him to try to lay hands on me again, and to see how fast she snapped them off and fed them to him.”
He stopped, shook his head. “There, that’s what I come from, and don’t tell me you understand.”
“I’m not going to argue with you now, but I will say if you think I’d blame a boy and his grieving mother in any way for the situation you were caught in, you must think very little of me.”
His tone went as frosty as the air. “I told you, Parker, it’s not about you.”
“Of course it’s about me, you idiot.You idiot, I love you.”
She caught a glimpse of the utter stupefaction on his face before she stormed away.
She caught another glimpse of him during the reception, talking to the newlyweds, and again a bit later, seated at the bar with the FOG in some intense conversation.
She kept her eye on the Franks, prepared to move in if they headed in Malcolm’s direction. Maybe he thought it was none of her business, maybe he thought she didn’t understand, maybe he was just stupid. But she wouldn’t allow anything or anyone to cause trouble at one of her weddings.
She was almost disappointed when it didn’t happen.
“Did you and Mal have a fight?” Mac eased up beside her when the crowd began to thin.
“Why?”
Mac tapped her camera. “I know faces. I know you.”
“I wouldn’t say we had a fight. I’d say we appear to define relationship differently, except he doesn’t acknowledge we’re in a relationship.We’re in a situation.”
“Men can be dumbasses.”
“They really can.”
“Women should all move to Amazonia, or at least vacation there four times a year.”
“Amazonia?”
“It’s the girl world in my head, where I go when I’m annoyed with Carter, or just men in general.There are five shoe stores per capita, nothing has any calories, and all the books and movies end happy ever after.”
“I like Amazonia.When do we leave?”
Mac draped an arm around Parker’s shoulders. “Amazonia, my friend, is always there, inside every woman’s head. Just close your eyes, think: Manolo Blahnik. And you’re there. I’ve got to go get some more shots, then I’ll be right behind you.”
Amused, Parker let herself imagine a calm, soothing, shoeladened female world, but had to admit, she wouldn’t want to live there. An occasional short vacation? It sounded very good.
She watched as the bride and groom took the floor again for the last dance of the evening.
So in love, she thought. So in tune. So ready to start their life together, as partners, as lovers, as companions and mates.
On their way to their happy ever after.
And that, she admitted, was what she’d always wanted.
To make her mark, yes, to do good work, to be a good friend, a good sister, to build something and share something. And with all that, to love and be loved, to promise and accept the promise. To find someone and take hands with him in their own happy ever after.
She couldn’t try for less.
She didn’t see Malcolm again until she’d stepped outside to wave the newlyweds off.
He’d changed into his own clothes, she noted, and looked considerably calmer and more himself.
“Got a minute?” he asked her.
“Yes, a couple of them now.”
“I took a bad reaction out on you, something that’s getting to be a habit. I don’t like the habit.”
“All right.”
“I thought I’d moved on from having that kind of a reaction to Artie. Apparently not.” He dipped his hands into his pockets. “I don’t like going back there, so I don’t. There’s no point. I understand you
were trying to help.”
“But you don’t want any help.”
“I don’t want to need any. I think that’s a little different.That’s no excuse for lashing out at you.”
“I’m not asking for excuses, Malcolm. I don’t need excuses when I know the reason.”
“I guess I’m still working on the reason. So . . . I’m going to take off. Give us both a little time to smooth out.”
“While you’re smoothing, ask yourself this. Ask yourself if you actually believe I think less of a boy, one grieving for his father, for striking back, for looking for an escape from an abusive bully who held every control. Or if I think less of the man he made himself into because of it.When you’re sure of the answer, let me know.”
She opened the door. “Good night, Malcolm.”
“Parker? Whatever the answer, I still want you.”
“You know where to find me,” she said, and closed the door behind her.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
HE LIKED TO THINK HE’D SMOOTHED IT OUT. HE COULDN’T REMEMBER ever making that kind of a misstep—much less two in a row—with a woman before.
Then again, Parker was a first on pretty much every level.
He understood a couple of major screw-ups required a reach into the wallet for a token, a symbol—generally for something smelly or shiny. Even the girl who had everything or could easily get it for herself liked a basic I Was an Idiot gift.
He considered flowers, but her house was already loaded with them. Flowers probably hit the low end of the idiot scale anyway.
He mulled the idea of jewelry, but it seemed over the top.
Then he thought of her weakness.
What the hell, since his mother would gnaw on his neck until he got a new suit, he had to go shopping anyway.
He hated shopping, so that part of it felt like a kind of penance. Worse, he had to shell out money for clothes that made him feel like he’d decked himself
