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I’d live through it.”
He thought of her, alone, two babies, newly pregnant, and widowed.
“Who could? How did you?”
“All I knew was I needed to come home. They needed to come home. It was the only clear answer for all of us, and it was the right one. I can think about Clint here, how much I loved him, and I’ve been able to accept that we had what we were meant to have. No more, no less. Now I have something else. I can think about him, talk about him. I have to, the boys deserve that. Just as they, and I, deserve the life we’ve made now.”
“I don’t know if it helps, but I know when we lost Dad, we were all just numb, I guess. Just taking a step at a time dealing with all the horrible, practical things you have to deal with. Eventually you find yourself in another place. Some of it’s familiar, some of it’s not. You make something else out of it, and you know you couldn’t have without the person you lost.”
“Yes.” Now she could be grateful he understood. “When you think of your dad, or talk about him, it reminds you of that. It’s the same for me. You knew Clint. We have a history that includes him, so since we’re seeing each other I don’t want you to feel awkward or uncomfortable.”
Beckett considered, went with impulse. “Do you remember Mr. Schroder?”
“I had him for U.S. history. I hated Mr. Schroder.”
“Everybody did. He was a dick. Clint and I, and some other guys TP’d his house.”
“That was you? Clint was in on that?” She sat back and laughed. “Oh my God, I remember that so well. You must’ve used a hundred rolls. It looked like a cargo ship of Charmin exploded.”
“No point in doing something if you do it half-assed.”
“You sure didn’t go half-assed on Mr. Schroder. And he was a dick.”
“Owen organized it, as you’d expect. Me, Owen, Ry. Two other guys whose names I must protect, as we swore an oath.”
“Clint never told me, and everybody talked about that hit for weeks.”
“An oath’s an oath. We had about fifty rolls, and it took forever to accumulate that much. If a bunch of guys walked into Sheetz or wherever and bought that much at a time, you’d be busted. So we bought a little at a time, in different places, snuck some out of the house, a roll or two each time. We had time lines and maps and lookouts, escape routes. It was a major campaign, and it was beautiful.”
“You were the unsung heroes of Boonsboro High. If we’d known we’d have thrown a party for you.”
“We had our own about a month later. Camped out in the woods near our place and got wasted on Budweiser and peach schnapps.”
“That’s disgusting.”
“Yeah, it was. Good times.”
“Charlie Reeder.” She pointed, got an aha glimmer in her eyes that sparkled green. “One of the others had to be Charlie. He and Clint were tight.”
“I’m unable to confirm or deny.”
“Charlie Reeder,” she repeated. “He was always up for trouble back then. Now he’s a town cop. You just never know. He likes men’s adventure novels and black coffee with a shot of espresso.”
“I guess you get to know people by what they look for in the bookstore.”
“I also have secrets. I know, for instance, that all the Montgomery boys like to read—and what they like to read. That you all drink too much coffee. I know that you and Owen go for sentimental cards for your mom for Mother’s Day and her birthday, and Ryder goes for funny.”
Lifting her wine, she shot him a knowing glance. “That’s just the tip of the iceberg.”
“A side benefit of the small-town merchant.”
“You bet. And I know of at least half a dozen customers who are planning to book a night at the inn for a special occasion, even though they live locally. You’re going to have a hit, Beckett.”
“It’ll be nice for Lizzy to have company.”
“Who? Oh, your ghost. She’s Lizzy now?”
“Well, we’ve gotten close. How do you think Hope’s going to deal with that?”
“Hope deals, that’s part of who she is.” Ghosts, Clare thought, were fanciful nonsense—and deliberately shifted the subject. “How’s the apartment coming?”
“Should be ready next week. Lizzy could take lessons from Avery, as she’s been haunting the place. She nagged—let’s say she persuaded Owen that the place needed a little more than paint, so it’s taken a little longer.”
They talked throughout the meal. A nice next step, Beckett thought, in the slow-and-steady plan. Maybe he’d suggest a movie next time, with a casual meal after. Keep it easy and traditional.
“This was wonderful.” She made a quiet sound of pleasure as they walked back to the car. “I can’t think of the last time I had an adult dinner out.”
“We can do it again.” He opened the car door for her. “As soon as you want.”
Tomorrow, she thought, then felt a little pang of guilt. She couldn’t spend two evenings in a row away from her kids. So she’d better make the most of the one she had. “I’ll check the schedule, see what I can work out.”
She turned, giving him the perfect opening to kiss her. When he didn’t, she slid into the car.
Maybe the dinner had decided for him that he wanted to stay friends. Take her out now and then, be a pal to the kids when he had the time and inclination.
She couldn’t fault him for that. Dating was meant to let people figure out if they wanted a relationship, and what they wanted from one. And a relationship with her had multiple complications, she thought as they started the drive home.
Which she’d certainly reminded him of by talking about the kids. She’d probably talked about the kids too much. What guy wanted to hear a bunch of kid stories out on a date?
And all she’d told him about Clint. She’d hoped to give him a clear picture of why she’d gone, why she’d come back. Who she’d been, who she’d become. And to be honest with him about how deeply she’d loved Clint Brewster.
And what man wanted to hear about a woman’s dead husband on a date?
Why couldn’t she have talked about books? Well, they had, she remembered. But just books or movies, or anything breezy and datelike?
Maybe, if they did go out again, she’d think of a list of appropriate topics beforehand. It surprised her just how much she wanted more, from Beckett, with Beckett. He’d made her feel like a woman again, with all those nerves, all those needs.
Safe topics, she decided. Start now.
“I meant to tell you, I read a review copy of Michael Connelly’s latest.”
“Harry Bosch?”
“That’s right. I think you’ll love it. And I’ve got a debut thriller author booked for an event next month. You might want to check it out. She’s good, and we have a local author signed up for the event, too.”
They talked books all the way home. Better, Clare told herself. She’d work on her dating chops. She knew how to have conversations that didn’t involve her children.
She just didn’t have many opportunities for them.
When he pulled up at her house, she thought of the quiet. She could work on the website for an hour undisturbed. She could have the unspeakable luxury of a long bath. She could do absolutely anything she wanted to do without any other responsibility or concern.
“Nights are getting cool,” she murmured as he walked her to the door. “Almost chilly. Summers never last long enough.”
“And winter’s too long.”
“But this one will be special. The inn,” she said when he gave her a puzzled look. “It’ll open this winter.”
“That’s right. The way it looks, we’ll be freezing our asses off when we load in.”
“It’ll be worth it. I’d love to help. In fact, I’m dying to.”
“The more hands and asses, the better.”
“Then I’ll plan on it. I had the best time.”
“So did I.” He leaned in, a light touch on her shoulders, a long, slow, dreamy kiss.
No, oh no,
she thought as her skin went to humming. A man didn’t kiss a woman like that when he just wanted to be good friends. She wasn’t that out of the loop.
“Better go in,” he said quietly, “before you get cold.”
She smiled at him, unlocked the door.
“I’ll call you.” She stared at him, flummoxed when he stepped back.
He wasn’t coming inside? Had all the signals changed while she’d been in dating retirement?
“Make sure you lock up,” he added.
“I will. ’Night.” She opened the door.
Wait a minute. Proactive, isn’t that what Avery said? Going in alone when she damn well didn’t want to be alone wasn’t being proactive.
“Um, Beckett, I’m sorry, and I know it’s silly, but would you mind coming in? Empty house.” She gave a helpless shrug that embarrassed her.
“Sure. I should’ve offered. Spooky bliss,” he added when he stepped inside. “I’ll check the back door.”
She’d manipulated him and she wasn’t sorry. She’d be sorry, she admitted, if she turned out to be wrong and he didn’t want to stay with her. To be with her.
She’d be humiliated.
But if she didn’t find out now, she’d go crazy wondering.
She hated wondering.
“All clear.” He walked back from the kitchen. “Not a bad guy in sight. But you should still get a dog. A house never feels empty with a dog. Are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah, thanks. Can I get you a drink?”
“Better not. I should get going.”
“I have to ask you something.”
“What?”
“When you kissed me at the door, was that a let’s-have-dinner-again-sometime kiss, or was it something else? Because it felt like something else to me.”
