But that was before.
Before I realized there were some feelings you couldn’t eradicate, no matter how hard you tried. Beforesheopened my eyes. Before I almost lost her forever. Baradaz had barreled into my life like the boldest of storms, demolishing all my certainties and turning my entire world upside down. For a long time, I had pretended she was just an amusing diversion, a means to an end. But I had grown tired of all the lies that had governed my existence for too long, even those I told myself.
I could only offer her the truth.
“I believe you are the strongest person I know.”
She had never permitted her spark to be extinguished—not bycataclysmic loss, not by this dreadful war, and not by me. Curse me for all I had done to her. The reckless, wild goddess who demanded I show her what darkness is was still there. And I remained as fiercely captivated by her as I was in that first moment. Drawn in by her luminous light, by the way she brightened the darkness like one of her stars—by the way she gave me hope.
If I could turn back time, would I offer her my hand?
Always.
My answer had affected her. Her bright eyes filled with tears again. I had to lighten the mood somehow. “Despite your abysmal taste in tea,” I said with a smirk.
She chuckled, a playful glint replacing the sorrow in her eyes. “And my abysmal taste in men?”
Thank the stars, she was back to teasing me. Raising my cup, I toasted to her. “In my opinion, your abysmal taste in one questionable man in particular has always been your most endearing quality,saeraery.”
Her laugh warmed me more than any tea ever could.
After a moment, Rada turned somber again. “I am sorry, you know,” she said. At my questioning look, she elaborated. “For leaving it to you to take care of Itzi. I was not able to… But still, I should not have assumed…”
That it would be no additional burden for someone who already carried the deaths of thousands on his shoulders? Maybe not. That she cared about my feelings at all was a vivid reminder of why she had my heart in her deceptively tender grip.
“Better me than you,” I ground out, my voice raspy. If I could spare her any additional pain, I would gladly condemn my battered soul a hundred times more. “It’s not the first time I’ve faced such a choice,” I added. “When the Allfather ordered me to destroy my dragons aftermy first attempt to create them…” I trailed off, unsure if I wanted her to know more.
“You never talked about that time,” Rada said, an audible edge in her voice. I could not blame her. My contempt for the Allfather had always stood between us, even more than my envy of Aramaz.
“It was a nightmare,” I confessed, staring into the fire, unable to meet her eyes. “They knew me only as their maker. Trusted me completely. I thought if I could keep them calm and use my magic to make it as painless as possible…” I paused, taking a deep breath and another sip of tea. “The sound of snapping necks is unforgettable. And that look—that haunting moment of profound disbelief when they realized it was me causing their pain.”
I glanced at Rada, but she remained silent, watching me with her warm silver eyes.
“Father always said we had to pay for our own mistakes. I guess he thought forcing me to do it myself would prevent me from ever trying again.” A cold, merciless decision. For the longest time, I hadn’t understood how much so. “It only made me hate him more and strengthened my resolve to never yield, even if it was solely out of spite.”
A mix of horror and compassion swept across Rada’s face. The horror I understood; the compassion I feared I did not deserve.
“There was nothing you could have done,” she said gently, instinctively understanding that my helplessness haunted me the most. “Not after the Allfather made up his mind.”
“But that’s not quite true, is it?” I leaned forward in agitation, the mug in my hands forgotten. “If I hadn’t rebelled, this situation wouldn’t have happened. And even then, instead of being obstinate, I should have pleaded for his forgiveness. Convinced him to show mercy.” I took her in, my fierce, courageous queen. “Youwould havedone so. You would have found a way to save them.” It wasn’t flattery; I truly believed it.
“I’m not half as good a person as you make me out to be,” Rada said, her voice trembling, all-too-familiar shadows darkening her gaze.
“You’re a much better person than I am,” I said. “Though that’s not hard to accomplish.”
A soft sigh escaped her. “Belekoroz…”
My heart missed a beat at the sound of my true name on her lips. It had been decades—endless, miserable, lonely decades—since I had last heard it spoken aloud by her. No one said it quite like her. Not that many people ever used it to begin with. She drew out the first syllable as if she wanted to hold on to it, as if it were something precious that was only hers.
“Your dragons… What the Allfather did was unjust.”
I observed her closely, noting the tension in her face. It was the first time I had heard her speak out against our creator.
She inhaled deeply, her voice barely a whisper. “It was cruel.”
The acknowledgment, even if one could have argued it came centuries too late, eased some of the old, festering pain inside me. The Allfather’s actionshadbeen cruel. I was not always to blame for everything.
Coincidentally, it was also the only time Aramaz had taken my side. His support had surprised me so much that I’d let him convince me to leave my self-imposed exile in the north and accompany him to Lyrheim, changing all our fates forever.
