Her gaze filled with such anguish that I wished I hadn’t spoken, hadn’t pressed her for the truth.
“You are right.” She abandoned her task and began pacing. “I am hiding here. And I know it’s pathetic. But this role I play, the simple farmer—it’s all I could manage for a very long time.”
With her back to me, Rada halted, trembling under the weight of her emotions.
“Not interfering when they dragged you out of the Temple of Order to throw you into the Abyss…” A slight turn of her head, the silvery glint of her tears catching the light. “It destroyed me. As surely as if I had been sentenced to death myself.” Her voice was so choked that I could barely discern her next words. “I should have done something… I should have—”
“No.” I was on my feet in an instant, but hesitated to approach her. Part of me feared that Kyree had been right, that my deeds were too terrible to ever be forgiven, even by her.
I swallowed hard. If she stayed with me, it had to be with clear eyes. She deserved to know the entire truth about the end of the war.
“It took me some time, but I realized that you and Masir were right,” I said, struggling to find the right words. “I had gone too far, lost every semblance of control I ever had over Chaos. I became the monster everyone accused me of being. The monster your friend sees in me.”
She turned to me then, her eyes wide and anguished, tears glistening on her cheeks. “Belekoroz…”
I didn’t deserve her compassion. Not for this.
“That last time we met… when you lied to me, promising to be my queen. When the Ten chained me once more…” Pain flashed across her face, raw and haunting. It almost made me stop, but I pressed on, my voice barely more than a rasp. “You have no idea how close I came to hurting you. To doing things you would never have forgiven me for, things I could never have forgiven myself.”
Chaos had ruled me that night. Chaos and hate. Ihadhated her then—for turning away from me, for always choosing my brother, for making me want her with a single-minded obsession that bordered on insanity. Aron-Lyr’s surrender had been within my grasp, my armies closing in on Lyrheim, all opposition crushed. Yet it had meant nothing without her.
Rada watched me, her gaze devoid of the disgust and accusation I had expected. “But you didn’t,” she said softly.
But I had been close, so close. Her feigned submission had not quelled my wrath; instead, it had ignited all my darkest impulses, a terrifying urge to cause her the same pain she had inflicted on me, to make her pay.
“It’s bad enough that I even contemplated it,” I forced out. Stars, I didn’t deserve her. I never had.
But Rada stepped closer, taking my hand. Never afraid of me, even though she should be. “I wondered about that night,” she said calmly. “You were always the most cunning of us. You had defeated us on the battlefield, your armies surrounded Lyrheim, victory was yours.” Her fingers intertwined with mine, a knowing spark in her gaze. “It was careless to fall for Masir’s and my ploy.”
She always saw too much. All the darkness, all the light. All the things I hid even from myself. My defenses were useless against her, but somehow, letting her in felt like liberation, not defeat.
“At that point, I didn’t know how to stop,” I said, gripping her hand tightly. She didn’t flinch.
“Mmm,” she murmured, a hint of a smile playing at the corners of her lips. “Would it help if I reminded you I’ve tried to kill you several times over the ages?”
I chuckled. “If you had ever truly wanted me dead, Baradaz, I would be. No question about it.”
Her smile widened, her eyes sparkling with amusement and something deeper. “Because I am more powerful than you?”
“No,” I replied honestly. “Because I would do nothing to stop you, my queen.”
Rada’s touch was as light as a feather against my face, yet it struck me with the force of lightning. Nothing, however, could compare to the impact of her next words.
“No judgment between us.”
Those words left me speechless. For I understood the weight they carried. An offer. To leave behind all the pain and betrayal of our past. To embrace the glimmer of hope shining in her eyes, daring me to believe we could be something more than enemies this time, something better.
I could give her only one answer.
“No judgment between us,” I echoed, capturing her hand and drawing her into my arms. Rada came willingly, resting her head against my chest as I breathed in the soothing scent of snowdrops.
We stayed entwined for a long time, savoring those stolen moments that healed some of the scars marring our hearts. With a deep sigh, Rada finally stirred in my embrace. “I want the truth, Belekoroz,” she demanded. “All of it. Why did you seek out the Chiasma?”
I twirled a fiery strand of her hair, fighting the instinct to deflect. “I had heard they were searching for the Crown,” I admitted. “My former acolytes are not incompetent. If there were rumors they had found a way to resurrect the power of the Adept of Chaos, to use the Crown to control it, I suspected there was probably some truth to them.”
“And you wanted those powers back.”
“Yes.”
