“So, you’re good if I go?”
“Of course.” I shake off the immediate disappointment of realizing I won’t see her in two days. “Maybe I’ll just come your way on my days off. Visit with Nana Lila while you do your yoga thing.”
“I’m not sure it would be worth the trouble,” she shoots me down gently but undeniably. “You’re already traveling non-stop, and I’ll be busy with the retreat and prepping for classes. You’ll probably get more out of your days off just staying home, enjoying the peace and quiet.”
The empty and lonely is more like it. But I get it. She doesn’t want me crashing her party or distracting her. This isn’t about me. It’s about her. And I’m nothing if not all about Ness. “You’re probably right,” I say the only thing I can think of that doesn’t sound like I want to convince her otherwise. “I’ve got a few projects around the house I’ve been putting off for too long anyway. Maybe I’ll finally get those done.”
“Sounds good.”
Except somehow, nothing about what we’re saying sounds good. The words are right, but the energy behind them is all off. I just can’t put my finger on why.
“Great.”
“Great.”
I nod, still trying to convince myself. “I’m excited for you. A new adventure.”
“Yeah.” She doesn’t sound nearly as thrilled. “I gotta go sort out the rest of the details.”
“I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
Then she ends the call.
I guess I should text Gary and tell him he’s getting his way after all.
“You look confused.”
I look up from staring at my phone to find Knox staring at me. “Nessa just called to tell me she’s taking a job out of state for the summer. Teaching yoga at a retreat.”
“You don’t think it’s a good idea?”
I shake my head. “I think it’s a great idea.” I muster a smile. “But I’m going to miss the hell out of her while she’s gone.”
NESSA
I don’t know how long I just stand here in my kitchen, staring at the sink. It’s empty but for one dish. One cup. Mine, from this morning, when I had coffee. Alone.
I remember the moments when I relished being alone. Leaned into the few minutes I had to myself of uninterrupted thoughts, tending to my own needs. They were luxuries then.
Now, they’ve become a nuisance.
Endless streaks of time serving only to show me that I’ve become the backdrop to my own life. The stagnant space everyone comes back to, relies on even, to stay put, stay the same. Stay waiting.
“He didn’t call,” I mutter out loud as my brain struggles to sort out what it means, if it means anything at all. “He always calls before soundcheck. Always.” Back when the band firstwent on the road, it was a ritual of sorts, a last jolt of faith from me to him that the show would go well. Then, over the years, it became routine. Until now. When ritual and routine have turned obsolete, it seems. Like me.
I squeeze my eyes shut, forcing the lonely mug from my mind. When I open them again, I return my attention to my phone. I hit call.
“Nana? Tell Doris, I’ll do it. I’ll come to teach yoga.”
Two hours later, I’m packed and on the road. The irony of having a map and destination while feeling utterly lost at the same time is impossible to escape.
The first few days, Matti calls morning and night, sending thoughtful texts sporadically, but I find myself brushing him off and cutting him short at every turn. It’s childish and unreasonable. And yet, I can’t stop. I don’t even know what I’m hoping for. Matti to go against everything I’m asking him to do and bulldoze through all my efforts to push him away. Or prove that my irrational insecurity isn’t so irrational. That we’ve gotten so comfortable at being apart, he could carry on without me. He could let me go for good.
Three weeks pass before the opportunity to meet in person occurs too conveniently for me to find a reason not to go. I want to go. I miss him. But things are...different.
“So, you’ll be passing through town around two a.m.?” It’s not the grandest of dates we’ve ever had, but an hour over coffee at a twenty-four-hour diner in the middle of the night isn’t the worst date we’ve ever had either. Nor will it be a first for us.
